Fred'sNotDead

Fred and Fred in Liverpool on holiday

2007-09-27T14:07:00.000+01:00

We went to stay for a weekend in MALMAISON Hotel and here's our video!! (You need to turn your sound up otherwise you will be VERY bored...)

© 2007 Fredordead

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I'm back by thunder!!

2007-09-07T00:33:00.000+01:00

Apologies to those who wondered where I was - I needed time to relocate, and now you've found me!

It was my birthday last week so to celebrate I have produced this special video. Please leave your comments and you can be as frank as Anne was...

Chao Bellissimos!!

© 2007 Fredordead

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Cool link

2007-07-04T09:35:00.000+01:00

Morning everyone. Woke up this morning, had my cornflakes, brushed my teeth and then found this little article. Thought some of you might find it interesting.

© 2007 Fredordead

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Lynder's Birthday Tea

2007-07-02T22:06:00.000+01:00

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Me? The Eighth Earl of Doncaster? Are they mad?

2007-06-24T12:19:00.000+01:00

More from Majorca!!

2007-06-23T09:59:00.000+01:00

I think from the picture Seuuuusan and Richard are in the Restaurant Stay in Puerto Pollensa. This restaurant is one of the best EVER restaurants I have been to and although it costs an arm and a leg is well worth going to.

I love the fact that you can see some random bald man in the reflection taking this picture. Epic!!

Fresh from Majorca...

2007-06-22T00:39:00.000+01:00

This picture was sent to me just now.

I think you will agree that Richard looks as if he is enjoying himself.....

Whatever he is doing he still prefers to keep his glasses on.

© 2007 Fredordead

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Hot off the press...

2007-06-19T13:36:00.000+01:00

Richard and Seuuusan are in Puerta Pollensa at the moment and have just sent me this picture of their sea front as it is today.

When I picture Seeeuuusan in my minds eye, I usually sea front.

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I got a new phone!!

2007-06-17T18:28:00.000+01:00

Well possibly not quite as big as this one but it is big. I got myself a Nokia N95 and so far I love it - it has a GPS tracking system on it which some of you have had to tolerate me prattling on about. It also has a 5 mb camera so prepare to be dazzled with my enhanced photographic capabilities...

Richard Campbell COULD BE Joseph!!

2007-06-12T09:17:00.000+01:00

Richard:

I closed my eyes
(I closed my eyes)
I've had a skinful
(aa-aa-ah!)
She thinks it's sinful
(ah-ah)
But it gets me through!!
Far far away,
(Far far away)
Poor Susan's weeping
(aa-aa-ah!)
I'm too busy shleeeeeping
(ah-ah)
Any dream will do!

I swore I'd quit
(I swore I'd quit)
The golden liquid
(aa-aa-ah!)
I'm like a big kid
(ah-ah)
Chicken Cordon Bleau!
In Belfast East
(In Belfast East)
The basin's waiting
(aa-aa-ah!)
Susan needs sedating
(ah ah)
Any dream will do!

I crash around, I thrash all night
My glass of wine is out of sight!!
Then Susan faded into darkness
I was left alone
(ah ah ah ahhhhhhhh Ah!)

She won't return
(She won't return)
Back to the boudoir
(ah ah ah!)
Think I'm for the high wire
(ah -ah)
When I do come to!
The world and I,
(The world and I)
we take it on the chin
(ah ah)
Some one grab the basin
(Ah ah)
Think I'm gonna spew!

(key change)

Give me my glass of wine
My amazing glass of wine!!!
Give me my glass of wine
My amazing...
Glass of...
Wiiiiiiiiiiiiine!!!!
(Cymbals crash)
(Blackout)© 2007 Fredordead

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Lynder's new Mini!!

2007-06-09T10:25:00.001+01:00

A Night at the Opera

2007-06-09T10:25:00.000+01:00

Melisma hit the headlines...

2007-06-06T13:16:00.001+01:00

http://www.newsletter.co.uk/entertainment?articleid=2928097

© 2007 Fredordead

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Evidence,,,,

2007-05-24T10:46:00.000+01:00

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A new house for Fred and me?

2007-05-23T14:32:00.000+01:00

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Darth Vader being a smart ass

2007-05-23T07:42:00.001+01:00

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For the Beauty of the Earth, Sung by Ecclesium (one of our choirs!!) music by Philip Stopford

2007-05-21T19:24:00.000+01:00

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Some Photos of our wee group at the BBC

2007-05-20T07:11:00.000+01:00

Jack is safe for 48 more hours!!

2007-05-16T13:30:00.000+01:00

Jack will be back for at least two more days from hell after 24 was renewed through the 2008-09 season.

Producers have promised that the upcoming seventh season will mark a change in direction for the show, following a season widely criticised by its fanbase for being uninspired.

"We're re-creating the series," exec producer Howard Gordon told The Hollywood Reporter. "It is [still] going to be a real-time thriller. Beyond that, it's an open book."

Besides Kiefer Sutherland, who is contracted until the end of season 8 in May 2009, season 7 will see an entirely new cast. Some existing cast members may return, the publication says, "but in different roles". The show will also be based out of a new, non-LA location.

Season six wraps in the US with a two hour finale next Monday, May 21.

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A shocking revelation...

2007-05-11T22:32:00.001+01:00

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Smithy does Singstar

2007-05-09T20:42:00.000+01:00

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Sure on this Shining Night

2007-05-08T08:22:00.000+01:00

Melisma recorded a few tracks on Sunday, one of which is "Sure on this Shining Night" - This can be heard by clicking THIS LINK.

© 2007 Fredordead

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Lynder does Karaoke

2007-05-07T10:32:00.000+01:00

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A few photos I took yesterday of THE SPIKE OF DOOM!!!

2007-05-07T09:15:00.000+01:00

I'm not saying that I am climbing down from my position already stated about this spire at St Anne's Cathedral, Belfast. No matter what way you look at this spike it is simply NOT architecturally sympathetic to the beautiful building that was St Anne's and I hate it. The Dean and board should cast their ham-fisted minds back to when this building was built and ask - Is this spire the one the original architect had in mind? If not is this not vandalism?

But in the spirit of trying to get my head round the thing, Smithy and I took some nice photos of it yesterday. I want to demonstrate to myself that my negativity is not due to the fact that I grew up at St Anne's and therefore I am resistant to change or I am a traditionalist. I will remain as open to it as I can and try not to be too depressed. Also I will be interested to see what the lit up version looks like as people tell me that this is the whole point of it...

I don't know how to love him...

2007-05-01T14:01:00.000+01:00

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Exterminate.... Mate!!

2007-04-23T12:51:00.000+01:00

It's getting to the stage when Saturday night is becoming a social "can't do" evening in my little black book. Why?? It's just too full of fabulous television!

And this for me centers around two of the gayest things known to man - musicals and Doctor Who.

Every week another "Poor Poor Joseph" has to do the sing off before being hilariously blubbed at by the other wannabees and then returns to his dressing room to contemplate "If my life were important"

"Grease is the Word" on ITV is frankly just another talent show rip off - but still worth a look.

And then there are the Daleks....

For the Daleks it seems to be all about location these days as well as extermination. Your average tourist may seek destinations on foreign shores that ensure cheap booze and a tan, but the Daleks like nothing more than plotting world domination by setting up camp alongside familiar landmarks.

This week, the Dalek Cult of Skaro's customs-defying temporal shift to 1930's New York was the order of the day. The daleks (four remaining ones) are using the basement of the Empire State Building as their lair - where else? They are assisted by the "pig men" - a genetic warning or just a horrendous LSD flash back - you decide.

This wasn't the first time the tinny tourists have checked out New York though. For back in 1965 they scoured the top of the Empire State Building for William Hartnell's first Doctor in episode three of 'The Chase'.

In 2005's stunning episode 'Dalek', one lone (and increasingly insecure) metallic monster found itself in a museum deep below the Utah salt plains in 2012. Poor creature. The last of its kind (or so it thought) and constantly tortured - yet unable to venture outside and sample the super size American culture.

The Dalek did manage a brief glimpse at the American skyline, exposing its mutant flesh to sunlight by shooting a hole in the ceiling. Surely the Dalek should have applied at least a Factor 24 before risking the rays? Mind you, it topped itself shortly afterwards so why not head off into the afterlife with a bit of a tan...

Your average Dalek seems to a Londoner at heart though. It's a surprise they don't start adopting a mockney accent given their fondness for encountering England's capital city. "Exterminate - mayte"

They made their London debut in 1964's 'The Dalek Invasion of the Earth', which included iconic images of the aliens twiddling their plungers around landmarks like Nelson's Column and Trafalgar Square. One phenomenal cliffhanger also featured a Dalek emerging from the depths of the River Thames to confront the time travellers on the bank. That makes the whale that turned up a couple of years ago look like very small fry indeed.

Several other London-centric stories followed over the next four decades, with 1983's 'Resurrection of the Daleks' portraying a grim, grimy city - miles away from the red bus iconography depicted in the current series. Most recently, the Daleks opted to give the London Eye a miss and took to the skies above Canary Wharf themselves for the breathtaking view.

However, the most bizarre tourist hotspot for our mutants - by a nautical mile - has to be their trip to the infamous Mary Celeste ghost ship off the shore of Portugal in 'The Chase'. Using their time travel device to hunt The Doctor, the Daleks turned up when the Celeste still had a crew - but quickly ensured they did not last for long. This sequence should be noted for containing the most fabulous Dalek death ever. One of them takes a wrong turn for no explicable reason other than stupidity and glides off the plank into the sea, emitting a shriek in the process. This has to be seen to be believed.

They've hit the UK and the USA on numerous occasions so surely it's time for the Daleks to explore some new territory. We recommend the Cult of Skaro book a tour of duty to Barcelona. Or Dublin. Or what about Amsterdam?? Perhaps sampling a few of the city’s finest herbal concoctions will make our Dalek Sec chill out a bit over his fears of extinction...

Please do not watch the next video unless you are made of sturdy stuff. You have been warned. Watch as a boxer dog howls with terror out at the impending Dalek invasion...

© 2007 Fredordead

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Our trip to Dublin

2007-04-23T00:53:00.000+01:00

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An announcement!!

2007-04-16T17:36:00.000+01:00

Fred and I are delighted to announce that we are moving house!!

I know it's exciting.

We have bought another apartment so no big change there - here is the link to our new place!!!

© 2007 Fredordead

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The Apprentice

2007-04-16T08:48:00.001+01:00

Did you know that Tim Campbell and Michelle Dewberry - the two previous winners of the BBC2 hit reality TV show "The Apprentice" - have both told Sir Alan Sugar that they don't want to work for him anymore? This must be why he's looking for yet another protege! Here's an introduction to the 16 business whizzkids competing to win a place on the super businessman's payroll. This programme is one of my "must sees" at the moment, if only to take the piss out of the ridiculous "corp-speak" phrases they come out with.

"We've got to work till we bleed"

"Her role for this task was door opening and locations" (even Sir Alan Sugar was confused by that one)

"I'm a strong team player Sir Alan but ultimately I am totally focused on showcasing my own abilities and strengths"

Here's an introduction to the 16 coporate wannabees competing to win a place on the super businessman's payroll.

SIMON AMBROSE

A Cambridge graduate who was made redundant from his last job in investment banking.

He says: “Sleep when you’re dead. Live the dream.”

I say: He speaks six languages and isn't afraid to let us know it....

GHAZAL ASIF

A Business Development Manager who, at 23, is The Apprentice’s youngest ever contestant.

She says: “I rate myself as a talented individual.”

I say: She's as hard as a chopping board made from Vinnie Jones' kidney stones....

TRE AZAM

A 27-year-old Marketing and Design Consultant from Essex.

He says: “I can be very, very offensive when I need to be.”

I say: He’s right.

PAUL CALLAGHAN

A former Army Lieutenant whose hobbies include yachting and polo.

He says: “My lack of commercial experience might be a weakness”.

I say: Ra ra ra ra raaahh!!

KRISTINA GRIMES

A Pharmaceutical Sales Manager and single mother from Harrogate.

She says: “To me Sir Alan is an inspiration: what he has achieved and his directness.”

I say: Has nobody told her that Sir Alan hates lick-arses?

ADAM HOSKER

A Car Sales Manager from Blackburn.

He says: “On occasion my confidence can become arrogance”

I say: He sounds a bit like Jason Orange from Take That....

JADINE JOHNSON

A financial adviser from Middlesex.

She says: “You know what, Sir Alan, bring it on!”

I say: You know what Sir Alan - get her off!

LOHIT KALBURGI

A Telecoms Manager who hails from Sharhaj in the United Arab Emirates.

He says: “Ba ba ba ba ba ba.” Don’t ask.

I say: Warning! This man is not afraid of showing us his jazz hands.....

SOPHIE KAIN

A Quantum Physicist with a PhD and a jazz habit.

She says: “A lot of people would describe me as a girl geek. I’m really quite techie.”

I say: I've noticed that she drops the loveable geek act as soon as she enters the board room....

NAOMI LAY

An Advertising Sales Manager who’s completed marathons in both London and New York City.

She says: “People that know me would describe me as loud, motivated, fun, determined, compassionate and energetic.”

I say: An icy blonde we wouldn’t want to mess with. She's my prediction to win this year.

NATALIE WOOD

Who is she? A housewife with a business degree who is proud to have lost six stone with WeightWatchers.

She says: “Who needs the truth wrapped up with fairy lights? Say it how is is!”

I say: She manages to backstab without seeming vicious. Watch out for her too....

Oddyssey Arena (again)

2007-04-14T17:20:00.000+01:00

On Friday night I was supposed to be going on a pub crawl with my Lynder.

Then at about 10.30 that morning the haed of Voderfone marketing emailed me and asked me to come and see her. I went to her desk and she was asking me if I would host the Westlife box tonight as a "big favour" to her!! Such a drag my job. My only problem was what to do with Lynder so I asked if I could blag an extra ticket and then I would do it and they agreed! So I met Lynder to go on a pub crawl but then surprised her by announcing we were going to the Odyssey. Luckily she loves Westlife..

So here we are enjoying an impromptu concert and guzzling as much free wine into as as time would allow. I've seen these boys about three times now and I do think this was their best concert yet - but the 2 bottles of White NZ might be augmenting my views somewhat... Still you decide!!

© 2007 Fredordead

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Back to Work

2007-04-12T07:30:00.000+01:00

How are you getting on with "Back to Work?"

Shit isn't it. Maybe you could leave us your Easter stories as a comment to pass the time a bit?

I have to say that Easter for me was quite busy for a national holiday. Having no choir duties to perform over Easter was a revelation (GEDDIT? A REVEL ATION) and this was I think the first Easter that I can remember where I was not at church at all on Easter Sunday.

On Friday Fred and I went to see Mrs McN and co (my ex boss and her family)- it was all a bit spontaneous and I had a great night. Not sure if anyone else did - I'm afraid the whole not eating lunch thing that I am doing meant that I was talking shite after about two glasses of wine...

I know that not eating lunch is not a good idea by the way - all the top "diet doctors" tell you that you will lower your metabolism, etc - but I'm here to tell you that that's all metabollocks. Here's the thing: It works for me. I lost about 5 pounds last week on it. Side effects - you get drunk too quickly and lose speech capabilities in company resulting in everyone staring at you. And I'm used to that...

Anyhow that was Fri, thanks Mrs McN and Mr McN for having us. Freddy drove me home. Woke up feeling rough as expected, went to work and then went to the KREMLIN.

Had everyone round to ours before hand and that was fine. Arrived there and had nice chats and that was fine and then one by one they all started making their excuses and wandering off and then I remembered with a JUDDER : Everyone except me goes to the KREMLIN not to see each other and talk and compare the price of cardigans. No. They go to "PULL".

My chit chat was superfluous. In fact lets face it - Fred and I were superfluous. I bought a few drinks for people, got tanked and went home vowing not to go there again. Don't get me wrong - some parts were OK but the overall impact was too great both in preparation and in execution and it made me feel old - which is NOT happening again I can tell you.

So I have decided that from now on only people OVER a certain age (or mental age) will be allowed to be on my guest list. I'm not going to "host" evenings anymore for people who aren't interested in me and me alone! Call me selfish but it's my bloody house!

I'm going to have nights like I had on Sunday (pictured below) where my tried and tested friends come round to see me and enjoy my hospitality for what it is. Alan and Jonny - two people who I care about greatly and who both separately and independently texted me to thank me for having them and who I know are friends for life. Why did they do that? COS THEY HAVE FUCKING MANNERS THAT'S WHY!!

Susan and Richard stayed over (due to Richard's attachment to our small settee..) and we went for breakfast to Ruby Tuesday's. They are also I know friends for life.

And Tuesday we went up to see the Bangor wing of the household and Cazza was home for Easter. Louise (I know she reads this) sat with us and chatted away all night and it was lovely to see her - she sometimes hides away in the other room which is fair enough cos we is OLD!!!

So to sum up, and as I said to my "shrink"...I am now going to focus my life on nice people who are either generally the same age or much older than me (if there are any left) because they make me feel YOUNG and beautiful and intelligent not old and frumpy and fat and worst of all STUPID!

Happy Easter "30 somethings"... remember - we all have one thing that the "20 somethings" will never have. A mortgage.

© 2007 Fredordead

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John and April's Wedding

2007-04-10T13:30:00.000+01:00

Some of you may remember this from last year - I am putting it up again at the request of the Bride and Groom!

Happy Easter Everyone!!

2007-04-09T20:10:00.000+01:00

Courtesy of SMITHY....

A shared song...

2007-04-09T10:32:00.000+01:00

"My Way" by St Paul's Cathedral Choir. Listen out for Paul Phoenix's solo in the third verse - an amazingly expressive performance - sung from the heart. Very clever getting a child to sing a retrospective song sung by someone at the end of their life! I've never heard a treble sing like that.

15 My Way.mp3

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Jonny's Party

2007-04-09T10:20:00.000+01:00

Last night we went to Jonny Ireland's 21st birthday party in the Pot House. Noone actually smoked pot there which I found confusing.

Here are a few choice photos of the evening for your pleasure.

Jonny at the end of the night finishing up other people's drinks again....

Susan attempts the famous "mind meld" with Alan C that she saw on Star Trek...

Alan impressed us all with his authentic Latvian dance. Next time he says he's going to bring his costume.

Richard refereeing the Nintendo Wii matches. He proved to be a strict but fair referee and he never missed a single detail.

Happy Easter Everyone!!

2007-04-08T15:17:00.000+01:00

I thought this would be a fitting Easter post - it's my own dear Dolly Parton singing the passion story - kind of like Stainer's Crucifixion done in a country and western style - and all boiled down to about 3 mins.

Listen right to the end though as the final chorus is rather uplifting. In the live concert when she performed this she went up the stairs of the set for this chorus to the highest point of the stage and really gave it the belt - it was quite moving even for a heathen like me...

He's Alive.mp3

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Some Random Photo's

2007-04-08T09:58:00.000+01:00

Oh Susan!!

Robert and a very tiny dog owned by Julie and Ian

Freddy and Susan at the Kremlin

Allen and Fred at the Kremlin

Big Gay Al

2007-04-07T19:15:00.000+01:00

Fred and Fred have decided to have a big gay night out tonight at the Kremlin

More to follow tomorrow...

© 2007 Fredordead

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Dolly Parton - 9 to 5

2007-04-07T09:20:00.000+01:00

It's Saturday and it's Easter and the sun is shining here in Belfast!! YAY!!

Just to cheer you up and put you in the mood for a great weekend, Here's "ULSTER'S OWN" Dolly Parton performing her hit song 9 to 5. I think the producer of this one might have been taking a few RECREATIONAL SUBSTANCES when he came up for the concept of this performance. Still our Dolly soldiers through...

Melisma perform on u-tube

2007-04-03T23:33:00.000+01:00

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Early Happy Easter

2007-04-02T17:24:00.001+01:00

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A lesson on the importance of clear diction when singing...

2007-04-01T23:30:00.000+01:00

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Well Hello Dolly!!

2007-03-31T11:56:00.000+01:00

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Team night out!!

2007-03-31T11:49:00.000+01:00

Me and all my work colleagues went out to celebrate the impending wedding of one colleague.

I skipped off and went to Dolly Parton but took this photo before I left...

Yes it was outside on the street in Chichester Street and yes it was cold - not freezing but certainly quite cold.

The Drunken Text Appreciation Society

2007-03-28T22:29:00.000+01:00

I found this on the internet and thought that it should maybe be shared with you all - It's on a subject very dear to my heart - Drunken Texts. If you know me at ALL you'll have received at least one in your life, especially if you are important to me. However the amount of times I have woken up and gone through my phone book out box in horror... Anyway here they are, the 11 types of drunken text that you should all familiarise yourselves with:

1) The "fishing" text.

This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", or simply "Ocean?"
Despite appearing innocent at first, this type of text is far from it. Sent at 3am, this generally should be translated as:"Im drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? I wanna come round and jump your bones right now!"

Typical response rate is around 10%. The determinates of a successful "fishing" text are alcohol levels in the person receiving the text, how filthy they are, and your marginal propensity to sleep.

A "fishing" text is at its worst wen sent to an ex. Just dont do it! Remove her number from your phone, or, do what i did, simply put "No" after/b4 her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.

(Apparently the aussie's have got this sorted. You can ring up a company b4 you got out and have a specific number barred from your phone for the night! Awesome!)

2) The "T9" classic

For those geeks up on your phone lingo "T9" refers to the predictive text facility found on most mobile phones. Such a programme, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.

My personal favourites:

"In supermarket. Fucking steve." Thanks Camilla Begg (London)

"wish i was inside your gorgeous aunt right now" (thanks Colette- Nottingham)

The local boozer in town is called the crown, so wen my 'mate dave' asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:

''fancy gettin food in the crown?''

it inevitably got written as:

''fancy gettin done in the brown?''

(Special thanks to James Osborne - Sheffield Hallam for that one!)

"Fancy a dual?"

This last one is also classed as a "fishing" text since, as u may have realised, "dual" should say "fuck".
Fortunately, the girl i sent this baby to saw the funny side and hadn't been drinking. She sent the following reply:

"Andy, unfortunately i hav no desire to don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a "dual". Oh, and i certainly dont want sex with u!"

3) The "friend locator" text

The only type of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:

You've just met some chick and your mates have fucked off to leave u to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. U are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your frends several times b4 realising they will not be able to hear them ring. Your solution is to send the following message:

"Wher u? Ho on dancefloor" Or some other incomprehensible crap.

This situation is exhasbirated in the following Nottingham nightclubs:
ISIS, Oceana cheese room and The Lizard Lounge, since you have fuck all signal and must except the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fair home, or play that game outside the club where u go up to people u loosely recognise and start asking "lenton anyone?".

Response rate: 0.01%

4) "Declarations of undying love"

No doubt the most embarassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?

"You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" - Ergh!

"I love u!"

"Love you millions"

"Why cant all guys be as fit like you!"

"Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!" (My personal worst - I'm always sending it)

"Im so into you right now."

It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure. x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Response rate: 0% and by sheer coincidence thats exactly how much sex you'll be getting from her after sending it. And also the amount of respect her housemates will have for u after she shows it to them.

5) "Family texts"

Doesnt happen to many, but to those few who accidentily text the parents, it can be disastrous.

Normally, the parents will have had a phone conversation with you prior to going out so they are on your mind slightly.

Parents most likely to recieve messages are those who are dangerously close to fitties in the phone book. For example: "Dad" will be located near "Dave" alphebeitcally.

My favourites:

"Im c*nted where are you?" (sent by a friend to their mother. They didnt speak for a week or so)

"U wanna stay at mine tonite?" (ooh dear)

and last but not least...Phone sex.

"Ill start at ur nipples and lick my way south untill im licking and sucking ur wet pussy... (you go)"

The above isn't actually an urban myth and genuinely did happen to my cousin. The recieving dad would not let it go lightly and it became his standard party trick to tell in front of other relatives at christmases and birthdays!

6) "Sex text"

It not big, its not clever. For some reason (normally alcohol) we can send the most disgusting of messages to our loved ones. I wont be dsiplaying any!

7) "The Send to the Wrong Person Text"

Unfortunately this typically occurs when you are bitching about someone or saying you fancy someone. Their name sticks in your head when you're about to send to it... and BANG! Wrong person gets the very message they are the subject of.

Although this does have it advantages, because you can do the double bluff. Want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous? Easy send a message to her that was meant for your fictional new hot lover. (No.7 Courtesy of Ed Hope)

8) Singing Texts

Ever caught yourself texting song lyrics? Shocking really isn't it!

9. "The One Eyed Text"

By 1am focusing has become difficult, darn right impossible infact, but far from detered, your alcohol fuel brain discovers u can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye. Thanks: Clare Solomon (SOAS)

10) The "Shotgun" text.

During pre-lash one member of the group receives a message their phone, but forgets to call shotgun for it. Another member of the group who calls it quickly then gets to reply to the message, whoever it may be!

11) Pre-lash booty check texts

A sister to the "fishing text", the pre lash booty text is
sent in between the hours of 9pm and midnight generally whilst pre-lashing. The innocent "You out tonight?" sent to the opposite sex is again far from it.

It should be translated as, "Just checking your out in case i need to find u for some sex later."
In more serious cases it can be indicitive of stalking and obsession. I advise girls not to send this type of text since this completely hands the power over to the guy and its up to him if you're getting any!

12)The "reminder" text

Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that. You have realised just how pissed you are and that in the morning you will remember nothing. You therefore send yourself reminders for the morning.

Examples:

"Say sorry to Kelly"

"U lent boycey £40"

"Adam pulled chalmers, check your camera"

"Key is under bin"

13) The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition".

Strictly speaking, this is not a text message. However, I still felt it needed to be added. The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition" occurs at a highly intoxicated moment in the evening when u cant remember the name of the person you've just spent the last few hours talking with / just woken up next to! To spare yourself the embarassment of asking "Whats your name again?", you decide to hand them your phone instead and get them to type it in!!! Works a charm, but they normally figure out why you're doing it!!!

And thats it. If you have any embarrassing stories do feel free to share them... I also suggest starting a petition to bring that aussie text blocking system in!

© 2007 Fredordead

Email Fred

An Historic Day.

2007-03-27T07:50:00.000+01:00

Hello punters!!

I nearly forgot you all in the excitement of discovering facebook!! But leave you forever? NO No NOOOO!!

Northern Ireland is in the "HISTORIC" category of the news today - how many times have we been in that category? But yet yesterday the news wasn't really about Nortern Ireland it was about two men. They could have both been from Great Yarmouth - the story would have still been amazing.

This story is about two sworn political enemies losing enormous face and doing something unthinkable in years gone by, simply to do the right thing by a country. In Ian Paisley's speech yesterday he said "I want to make it clear that I am committed to delivering not only for those who voted for the DUP but for all the people of Northern Ireland."

Make no mistake, for Ian Paisley even to sit beside Adams for the 15 mins or so yesterday must have taken SERIOUS effort on behalf of all involved, not just the two men themselves but from countless civil servants, politicians and even family members. I don't imagine for a second it just happened spontaneously...

Whether or not they manage to stay with their feet under the table is of course another issue but let's be content (and possibly naive) enough to think that this can only be a good thing for us all.

© 2007 Fredordead

A beer before it starts

2007-03-23T09:36:00.001Z

Email Fred

Oh Dear. It's cracked.

2007-03-19T09:23:00.000Z

The death of Fredordead?

2007-03-18T00:37:00.000Z

As some of you will already know this blog is in jeopardy...

You may lose me forever.

Why you ask? Because I (along with millions of others) have become swept up in this "social network" think that they call "Facebook"

It is more addictive than you can imagine. I really really can't tell you how addictive it is. Please click the link if you are a friend of mine on the right and even if you are dubious, start up a profile for yourself. You will be amazed at what happens - it's literally going to take ovewr your life - at least for a while...

© 2007 Fredordead

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A good time was had by all!!

2007-03-16T08:38:00.000Z

As I mentioned earlier, Smithy and I performed Carmina Burana last night with Methody at their annual concert at the Waterfront Hall - and here is the night captured for all time.

Special mention to our LYNDER who surpassed even her self with a spine tinglingly fabulous performance as soprano soloist. She reached notes that only dogs can hear...

Smithy in James Bond Mode

Mr Jordan and Lynder demonstrate their new ventriloquist dummy routine, "Gottles of Geer" soon to hit the West End

Don't be shilly, I'm perfectly shober!!

We're so EXCITED!!!

2007-03-13T20:48:00.000Z

Dolly Do Dah!!

2007-03-12T13:48:00.000Z

I'm incredibly excited.

My work has GIVEN ME (yes, given me) tickets to see DOLLY PARTON on the 30th March in the Vodafone Corporate Box!!

I know!!

So Me and Freddy will keep you updated with video's and pictures from this fabulous event in the Odyssey Arena. She has boobies that would make a nun blush!

Islands in the Stream!!

Email Fred

All change

2007-03-11T22:01:00.000Z

Well I've gone and got the decorators in.

What do you think? I thought I would give this blog a bit of Northern Ireland flavour and hopefully remind everyone what a lovely place we represent. What do you all think? Do you like it?

For those who don't perhaps know, this is a picture of the lovely WATERFRONT HALL here in Belfast which sits in the river Lagan. I took this picture myself using my camera phone last year. Let me know what you think of the new layout and if there are any problems my darlings!!

© 2007 Fredordead

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WATER CHARGES!!!

2007-03-05T13:59:00.000Z

Now I know that we have to pay for things and it is right that we should be taxed, but all these HIDDEN taxes that seem to be being brought into play are in my view very sneaky. We PAY TAX and we pay it every month - most of us pay it through PAYE which means that the government are the very first to get our freshly painted money, before it even hits the next tranch of grabbers - the bank.

To me it is very simple. The government takes a percentage of money which is supposed to cover our country's cost. If I earn a whole shitload of money (which I don't) then I pay a whole shitload of tax proportional to what I earn. Fair?? I think so. That way everyone pays the SAME amount of proportional percentaged tax. With me so far?

Good

Then why in the Holy-to-Christ blazes do they have to have us pay all these EXTRA taxes for water? Is it not covered in Rates? It is a COMPULSARY tax as well isn't it? Do I have a choice in the matter? Could I (in theory) buy BOTTLED water and not pay this tax? The answer is no. Like all of our "added extras" not included in like for like comparisons with other countries taxation levels, there is no choice.

But why not have ONE tax bill at one rate for everyone that includes all of the government's budget requirements I hear you cry! Imagine that! One bill that covers the hospitals, your pension, the road tax, the cost of a passport issue, Driving License Issue, TV license, Water bill, Road Tax, National Insurance, Inheritance Tax, Carparking charges on the roads and finally my own favourite, Rates.

So with all this in mind, GO HERE and object in the completely modern way. Let off steam. Be angry - get it out of your system in perhaps the most blatantly futile scheme our NEW LABOUR GOVERNMENT has ever dreamed up. It keeps the placards off the streets for gawds sake - go on you'll feel 50 times better....

© 2006 Fredordead

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A Report from Mr Hutton

2007-03-04T09:22:00.000Z

A holiday report by Mr Hutton:

I was in Manchester for a few days and when I had some free time I took myself to Chester Cathedral as I have never been there. This venue has Melisma written all over it!

The second photo is taken in the Trafford Centre outside manchester - oh my god! it is an incredible shopping place with all the big names like John Lewis, Selfridges Hugo Boss etc etc I spent three hours on the first floor and never got near the ground floor - if you love shopping then this place is a must!

Stop it!!

2007-03-03T19:00:00.000Z

Email Fred

You couldn't make this up... Turn up your sound...

2007-02-28T18:30:00.000Z

This is our very own Philip having his music played by a girl on You Tube. Philip claims he did not pay her to play his music !!

Do we believe him?

Email Fred

My new favourite snack...

2007-02-25T18:02:00.000Z

Camper than a row of semidetatched tents.

2007-02-25T16:46:00.000Z

If you did not see the gayest thing on TV this year so far (and that includes the moment "H" from Steps tried to teach "The Face" from the A-Team to perform a dance routine to "I Don't Feel Like Dancing" by the Scissor Sisters) then Fredordead is here to help.

Turn your sound up, press play and behold what is surely the epitomy of GAY.

Take That - the opening to a live broadcast called Dancing on Ice on Saturday night on BBC1 complete with Torville and Dean skating round them and endless skating be-hooped dancers dressed up in giant condoms.

I love the moment Gary Barlow abandons his piano (presumably it plays itself from that point) to do a bit of dancing - surely a simple enough routine - he still manages to look like your dad at a wedding after a few glasses of asti spumanti.

It's brilliance for me was the fact that we had all these icons of yesterday like Take That, Philip Schofield and Toville and Deane being wheeled back onto prime time TV all at the same time making the point to everyone that talent doesn't age and that our generation has still plenty to offer.

STEPS REUNION NEXT PLEASE!!!

Comebacktastic!!

© 2006 Fredordead
This post is dedicated to my good friend Mr Hutton who loves Dancing on Ice

Email Fred

Torn

2007-02-23T08:14:00.000Z

Email Fred

2007-02-19T08:38:00.001Z

2007-02-19T08:38:00.000Z

2007-02-19T08:37:00.000Z

Some pictures of me at the ball on Friday night

2007-02-19T08:31:00.000Z

2007-02-19T07:42:00.000Z

I also found this picture which I don't remember seeing before - it's lovely! Seuuusan looks like a film star!!!

And as for Richard, well he doesn't!!

A rummage through history

2007-02-19T07:33:00.000Z

The picture of me Jenny and Lynder at Castleward is used quite a lot on FredorDead - however I unearthed THIS rarer picture of Fred with the two beautiers and I thought I would share!!

!

What are you lookin at?

2007-02-18T20:14:00.000Z

Some Changes

2007-02-18T19:42:00.000Z

There have been some changes to the music list for the coming months and these are now below.

Please amend your records!!

That Jeremy Beadle!! He's such a prankster...

2007-02-17T20:50:00.000Z

Email Fred

Grace

2007-02-15T07:19:00.000Z

Fred has a wee god-daughter called Grace and he bought this outfit for her. Nice isn't it? He bought it from NEXT my previous employers.

Doesn't quite fit you Freddy!!

Gastro Pub

2007-02-15T07:16:00.000Z

Freddy cooked me a lovely meal last night and here it is. I had it all cut up before I remembered to take a photo so sorry bout that.

It was Duck in a cranberry and Port Jus with Boulangere Potatoes.

We bought it at Mark's and Spencers and fred got a free apron which I think you can just about make out in the background.

Yesterday..

2007-02-15T07:02:00.000Z

Yesterday was a really lovely day.

It was Valentines day - the sky was really blue, the City Hall looked stunning from my work (above) and all was good in the world. I had a really good sales day yesterday - in fact there was NOTHING bad about yesterday. I caught myself thinking that my life is far from perfect but it's as near as I can get it.

I'm not rich, but I'm not poor. I have a house and a mortgage - something that is becoming quite an achievement these days since people can't actually afford starter homes, I'm not alone in the world, I have my Freddy who I love, and I work in a place where I like everyone and everyone likes me. I don't have bird flu. I don't live in Iraq. I'm NOT being poisoned by Russians. I've beaten my anorexia by taking down the mirrors in my house. All is good. (only joking by the way before I get a comment asking me to talk about annorexia)

So I just thought I'd say that. Yesterday was a lovely day because actually I have nothing real to complain about.

Peter, the eternal pessimist who lives in my brain is still jumping around deep down shouting "Prepare to be doomed! Prepare to be doomed!" but he can fuck right off!!

Rswipe

2007-02-14T19:04:00.000Z

Check out RSWIPE's new site

He has had the misfortune of suffering from "perforated blog" which has left him scarred but he is on the mend.

Not only that but there is some promise of him revealing who he really is.

My money is on Keanu Reeves. I used to think he was Anna Nicole Smith but I've had a rethink.

© 2006 Fredordead

Email Fred

Happy Valentines day to you all

2007-02-14T07:53:00.000Z

I got this lovely Valentine's card this morning from my Fred. I DO hope you can read the lovely verse he put on the envelope, it really touched my heart.

I won't even begin to show you what was written inside the card...

I would refer you to the poem I wrote for you all LAST YEAR and admit I haven't yet written a valentine poem this year - perhaps I will be able to write one today if I get time to break wind...

In the mean time read the above poem from last year - perhaps you could write FREDORDEAD a valentine poem and add it below?

Go on then!!!

Here is Cazza's poem from last year to inspire you...

Looks like a poof's drink to me...

2007-02-14T07:52:00.000Z

Holiday 2007

2007-02-11T11:44:00.000Z

Susan and Richard are just back from their Holidays in Gran Canaria. Perhaps one of you would write a short article for Fred's about this?

Above is a picture sent by Susan of their resort

Richard Hunter Campbell

2007-02-11T11:20:00.000Z

It's Richard Hunter-Campbell's birthday today.

Happy Birthday Richard Hunter-Campbell

Will everyone join me in saying Happy Birthday to Richard Hunter-Campbell?

How many of these do you recognise?

2007-02-08T09:09:00.000Z

SYMPTOMS OF BEING OVER 25

1. You leave clubs before the end to
"beat the rush".

2. You get more excited about having
a roast on a Sunday than going
clubbing the night before.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a
professional footballer and start
dreaming of having a son who might
instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper
away, you look through the
property section.

5. All of a sudden, middle aged
people are not 46, they are only 46.

6. Before going out anywhere, you
ask whether there is anywhere to
park.

7. Rather than throw a knackered
pair of trainers out, you keep them
because they'll be alright for the
DIY or in the garden.

8. You buy T-shirts without anything
written on them.

9. Instead of laughing at the
innovations catalogue that falls out
of the newspaper, you suddenly see
both the benefit and money saving
Properties of most of the things
that are in it.

10. You start to worry about your
parents' health.

11. You have more disposable income,
but
everything you want or need
to buy costs between 200 and 500
quid.

12. You don't get funny looks when
you buy a Disney video or a
Wallace And Gromit bubble bath, as
the sales assistant assumes they
are for your children.

13. Pop music all starts to sound
the same.

14. You opt for Pizza Express over
Pizza Hut because they do a
really nice half-bottle of house
red.

15. You always have enough milk in.

16. To compensate for the fact that
you have little desire to go
clubbing, you instead frequent
trendy bars and restaurants in the
mistaken belief that you have not
turned into your parents.

17. While flicking through the TV
channels, you happen upon C4's
Time Team with Tony Robinson. You
get drawn in.

18. The benefits of
a pension scheme become clear.

19. You go out of your way to pick
up a colour chart from B&Q.

20. You wish you had a shed.

21. You have a shed.

22. You actually find yourself
saying "They don't make 'em like that
anymore" and "I remember when there
were only 4 TV channels" and
"Not in my day...."

23. Radio 2 play more songs you know
than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine
has some really interesting guests
on.

24. Instead of tutting at old people
who take ages to get off the
bus, You tut at rowdy school
children.

25. When sitting outside a pub you
admire their hanging baskets.

26. You find yourself saying "is it
cold in here or is it just me© 2006 Fredordead

Email Fred

Pointless Museum Lets You Look At Kylie's Smelly Clothes

2007-02-07T13:57:00.000Z

Here we are again with Kylie.

I've ranted about her before on here. I find her bland and ordinaire. It's well known.

But I will admit that Kylie has provided men in general with some worthwhile entertainment. And now you can be entertained and fascinated all at the same time by looking at her pants quite close up.

Yes, that’s right, you can now unleash the stalker that’s always been lurking inside you and go down to the Victoria & Albert Museum in London to look at various stage outfits that Kylie has donned, from the dungarees that she sported in the early days of Neighbours in 1987 to those infamous hotpants that helped save her dodgy music career.

Over 200 pieces of Kylie gear has been donated for you to perv over look at, and to Fredordead's amazement, tickets are said to be selling well ahead of Thursday's opening.

In, a statement that literally took seconds to prepare, Kylie described how she felt about the exhibition to BBC News:

“Honoured.”

So is this the new celebrity trend? I presume so. As whenever a winning money-spinning formula is created, other celebrities will soon follow. Expect to see the clothes that Richard Hammond crashed in, the lack of clothing that Jordan models in and the various syringes that Pete Doherty squirts blood at cameras with. If any PR companies out there would like to see what trendy gear Fredordead wears on a day-to-day to basis, send a bag of cash and a sturdy table and I'll proudly show off my sweaty, burger-stained gear to the whole damn world.

Coming to a cinema near you....

2007-02-06T12:31:00.000Z

Email Fred

Pixie & Dixie

2007-02-05T21:01:00.000Z

As we congratulate Ed on getting into York Minster, it is my duty to embarrass him at the same time. Well it's my way isn't it. They build you up and then they knock you down again don't they....

Poor Ed.

Regarde....

© 2006 Fredordead

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Newsflash

2007-02-05T13:56:00.000Z

Smithy and I are delighted to announce that we will be taking part in Methody's concert of Carmina Burana at the Waterfront on 15 March.

If you have hitherto missed the sight of Smithy and I in school uniform on stage at the Waterfront trying and failing to blend in with schoolchildren in a vaguely disturbing fashion, then I'm afraid you are to be disappointed. This year as last year we will be wearing DJ's - much more seemly for gentlemen of our age. However such a blending attempt was done in the past, much to the amusement of some of the parents who were able to pick us out because of our podgy middle aged bellies....

© 2006 Fredordead

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Lynder and Jenny

2007-02-05T00:13:00.000Z

I've been playing around a bit with a new picture editing thing I've downloaded and I produced this slightly enhanced picture of Lynder and Jenny at Ripon Cathedral England.

Nice isn't it?

Cartoon of the day

2007-02-04T23:48:00.000Z

Smithy's New Stylee Homepage

2007-02-04T20:58:00.000Z

SMITHY has got a new blog style and layout and I'm jealous!! you can find it by clicking HERE but don't abandon me in the process forever!!

Is it me?

2007-02-04T20:37:00.000Z

I came across this old picture of ME.

I thought some newer viewers might be interested and puzzled all at the same time

Blimey!

New Year Collage, as submitted by Freddy

2007-02-03T18:33:00.000Z

New Years Photo's approved by Freddy.

2007-02-03T18:31:00.000Z

Richard has a wee sleep

2007-02-03T16:37:00.000Z

A few weeks ago Richard and SEUUUUSAN had a party at which Richard got so blocked that he sang like a girl and then went to bed before anyone else had left. You may remember THIS POST which was taken at the same party.

The above is THE video that I have threatened him with for a few weeks now. They are both away in Gran Canaria for a week so he will never know I put it up...

It's actually not that bad but before he comes home from Gran Canaria I will take it down again and at this point you can all say to him "Oh my God - that video that Freddy put up of you - extreme stuff...." (or perhaps a sentance you are more comfortable with that means the same thing..)

© 2006 Fredordead

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Fredordead Video Diary

2007-02-03T15:23:00.000Z

Email Fred

Schleepies???

2007-02-03T14:03:00.000Z

Proof that On New Years Eve, contrary to what she would have us believe, it was Pam who could barely keep her eyes open and not Freddy or myself.... Take the shame Pam!!

Smithy

2007-02-03T13:59:00.000Z

Forgot to put this up at the time viewers.

This is Smithy making his first step towards conversion in preparation for the only option now left for choral church music in Belfast.

Catholicism!!

2007-02-02T14:55:00.000Z

I have today launched a new email address.

From now on you can e-mail the BLOG on this address.

The address will be on all posts and is fredordead.blog@googlemail.com

© 2006 Fredordead

Email Fred

Mika - Grace Kelly

2007-01-31T20:34:00.000Z

Some of you have been asking what is the music I had Freddy sailing to Portaferry on.. Here it is it's Grace Kelly by Mika and it's (adopts Kid Jensen Voice) "one of the freshest sounds around in a long time"

As always turn your sound up - otherwise "It's pointless and demeaning"

Vote for Freddy every visit!! Click Here!!

Email Fred

I'm going dark now...

2007-01-31T16:04:00.000Z

British TV is entering that phase where it sheds off old shows and wraps itself up in an extra thick layer TV Duvet heaven. Big Brother ends, Top Gear starts. Channel 4 pulls out a sure winner in the shape of Skins, and the BBC ploughs on with Casualty and the like.

As I have said before here, apart from a slight tear shed at Dirk ‘Starbuck’ Benedict missing out on his rightful second coming in the hearts of the UK public, British TV is offering nothing as sexy and as bloody brilliant as the US is.

Once again it’s down to 24 – the show that continues to rewrite rule books – to show us how exciting and thrilling a simple 45 minutes can be.

Season six of 24 kicked off in the States a few weeks ago, followed with impressive speed by Sky One here in the UK. I don’t want to spoil it for you if you haven’t already watched it… OK, then, I will.

Jack’s been in a Chinese prison for almost two years. In laymen’s terms that's from the moment he finished Season five to the very start of Season six. The man hasn’t had a good night’s kip a decent bonk or cup of tea in all that time. From the outset it’s obvious it can go one of two ways. Either Jack’s fine and the show throws away things like ‘realism’, ‘understanding’ and any thread of believability it still has. Or, he’s not fine and he’s a mess.

I'm pleased to say, it’s the latter. I love him. Really.

More than that, though, I love good TV. And 24 has been good from the outset. It’s good - no, it’s excellent - because it continues to push its boundaries. Where as most TV shows strive to keep a status quo, a constant with characters and relationships to maintain a familiarity with the audience so they always come back, 24 sacrifices all of that for roller-coaster drama. You just don’t know who’s going to die next, or, more crucially, how. 24 is only four episodes in and season six has done just that.

24 rewards viewers who stay the course and, as far as I'm concerned, it’s not a chore. I'm rewarded with heart-pounding tension, psychological intrigue, moments that force me to lift my jaw off the floor, question how true to life it might be and how the hell these actors do their jobs with such conviction, most of all Kiefer Sutherland.

Sutherland’s performance in season six of 24 has so far been exemplary. It has to be as it's his Jack that drives the show every year. Behind him, the rest of the cast get on with the inter-personal relationships, back stabbing, cock ups and the doughy-eyed gawping. A welcome addition this year is Alexander Siddig who plays the leader of an Islamic Arab terrorist cell apparently now dedicated to peace, the presence of whom has already caused our Jack to break down and cry, though we won’t tell you why exactly.

The first four episodes of season six were broadcast in one fell swoop in the States, (though were more staggered here in Britain) for explosive effect. Now we, along with the billion other 24 fans, wait with baited breath to see how this latest series of TV’s most honed show continues. Now join us. Go on.

What do you mean you don’t watch 24? Get over it. Steal a box set, any of the five that are already out, and bloody well join in.

What a Furore!! Grace Dent sums it up for us. Thank god for her...

2007-01-31T10:17:00.000Z

So another Celebrity Big Brother is over. Shilpa Shetty is crowned queen. Jermaine Jackson and Dirk Benedict are second and third.

What a relief it's finally over. I was compelled by Big Brother as I've always been, but feel-good telly this was definitely not.

Big Brother feels like escapism less and less these days. It's not like the daily double edition of Friends on E4, which, after a hard day at work, is the televisual equivalent of a warm bath, half a valium and snuggling up on the fluffy tummy of Sesame Street's Mr Snuffleupagus.

No, Big Brother isn't happy telly. It's not satisfying. It doesn't send us off feeling like we've achieved anything. It chucks up hundreds of questions but no answers, makes us revisit childhood traumas and relationship woes and makes us confront our own prejudices and hypocrises.

It has us drumming our fists with fury, calling Ofcom, despairing the fabric of British society and arguing with our friends. It leaves us swivel-eyed and knackered in a lump on our sofas shouting, "I hate you! You're rubbish these days! Mmm…errr, when does BB8 begin? I need to set my Sky+…" Let's face it, we're all hooked.

That aside, the fact that Shilpa, Jermaine and Dirk, the non-British contingent took the top places pleases me greatly. OK, pleases and amuses. Here we are, good old Blighty, the land where every woman is free to pole-dance, binge-drink and reverberate our own bare bum cheeks merrily on CCTV in Basildon Cocoloco Niteclub (just as Emiline Pankhurst dreamed). Hurray - girl power! Then along comes Shilpa Shetty: a teetotal Hindu girl who lives with her mum, likes cooking, early nights and praying and we give her first prize for possessing the characteristics we Brits admire.

Next along, Britain's second most-adored housemate is Jermaine Jackson, an African-American Muslim bloke admired for keeping the house unified with his softly spoken lessons in peace and tolerance.

"Kindness is a strength," Jermaine would whisper, "Use this to build a strong foundation." Having used up his 14-word quota for the day, Jermaine would tootle off back to the bedroom, unfurl his blue matt and begin praying.

"Hee! Hee! You should put all your little mantras into a book!" squeaks Davina. Erm, Davina, Jermaine doesn't need to. It's called the Koran, it's available in bookshops already.

In fact, stop press: the attributes of Jermaine, who Britain has warmed to so greatly, could be summed up neatly as "peacefully following Islam". Crikey, could someone tip off Sky News? I think this might warrant one of their big crash, bang, wallop red alerts and Kay Burley pulling a face like Chicken Licken waiting for the sky to fall in.

To add to the melee, third place in popularity goes to Dirk Benedict, an American bear-hunting conservative who thinks women should stay at home and look after their own babies, do the cooking and cover up their middle-aged cleavages.

How Dirk's views fit in with ten years of New Labour rule I can't quite figure, but I do know that Britain seems to have found a place in its heart for someone who likes blasting critters then turning them into fancy hats.

Damn you, Big Brother, for making me think about all of this socio-political nonsense. Thank heavens I can go back to watching Friends again. The one where Phoebe changes her name to Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock makes me feel nothing but fluffy numbness.

The evictions of Jo, Cleo, Danielle, Ian and Jack all flew by for me in a blur. Jo clearly wasn't that bothered by the accusations against her. In her heart, Jo doesn't believe she is a racist and she truly didn't seem to think that she'd been nasty to Shilpa. She simply refused to feel the requisite amount of pain we all wanted her to, no matter how much Davina did her Mrs Doubtfire face and flapped her cards.

To be quite honest, the more Davina showed the contestants the footage of what had been going on in the outside world and pulled a face like she was on a War Crimes tribunal, the more it all looked like a huge, stupid storm in a teacup and the more vindicated Jo and Danielle became.

Especially when one housemate after another queued up to say, "Yes, there was an incident last week, but no, it wasn't racist and everyone had moved on from there and they'd been getting on fine this week and erm, that's it."

"But why didn't you step in?!" Davina quacked at Cleo, Dirk and Ian. No, Davina, more importantly why didn't you step in? The housemates are sensory-deprived, brain-addled people in a vacuum, making mountains out of molehills down to sheer boredom. The TV crew in charge were the people with the power to step in and stop anything.

But with Jade and Jo now long gone into hiding, Danielle took the full flack of Davina's annoyance. Spat out of the house through jeers and howls, down a catwalk, into a chair, called a racist, showed footage of the world calling her a racist, grumped at by Davina, hissed at by the audience. If this was justice, then why didn't it feel more satisfying?

"It's only a game show!" Davina quipped at the start of the finale, which felt like a two-finger salute to everyone who complained.

Because that's all it is after all, isn't it? It's only a game show: only a few careers and livelihoods ruined. Only a few relationships shattered, a few contestants' families heartbroken, only a few safehouses booked and kids living without mum while she's in hiding, and only a few psychologists on standby and contestants said to be near-suicidal.

This is totally normal on game shows, isn't it? You should see the drama on Countdown when they run low on pens. Carnage, emotional fall-out, safehouses being booked everywhere.

Thank you so much for all of your emails during the Celebrity Big Brother blog. I read every single one and they're continually hilarious, thoughtful and outraged (usually all at once). Thanks so much for writing. It's good to know it's not just me going quietly berserk.

I hope you all come back on Friday for my regular TV OD column, where I'll be discussing Skins, Dancing on Ice and all sorts of other stuff.

I asked you last week what they should do to make BB8 better. You mailed me lots of good suggestions, but one was very popular:

"Bring back the chickens. And make them all do the gardening. Give them something to love and look after."

For some reason I like the idea of the BB8 going back to basics. Feeding chickens. Mowing lawns. Clipping topiary. Maybe the odd minor argument in a house meeting due to one housemate sneaking in a contraband pencil.

It wouldn't be that exciting but I'd still be there on my sofa. Day in, day out, sighing, saying this is crap, not as good as it was, moaning about the state of Britain today and saying I'm going to stop watching soon. But I'd still keep on watching. I always will.

Grace dent can be found regularly HERE

More gripping action from the sofa....

2007-01-29T21:36:00.000Z

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Ed's Place

2007-01-29T21:29:00.000Z

I would like this website to perhaps be the first place to inform you that our ED has got a place in York Minster as a choral scholar next year!!

Congratulations Ed!!

HOOT!

© 2006 Fredordead

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Smithy's Speech...

2007-01-29T16:17:00.000Z

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Ali G gives a potted history of Northern Ireland

2007-01-28T13:25:00.000Z

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