Fred'sNotDead

Well Hello Dolly!!

© 2007 Fredordead

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Labels: Concert, Dolly Parton, fredordead video diary, Odyssey

posted by Freddy @ Saturday, March 31, 2007 Comments: 0

Team night out!!

Me and all my work colleagues went out to celebrate the impending wedding of one colleague.

I skipped off and went to Dolly Parton but took this photo before I left...

Yes it was outside on the street in Chichester Street and yes it was cold - not freezing but certainly quite cold.

Labels: Vodafone

posted by Freddy @ Saturday, March 31, 2007 Comments: 0

The Drunken Text Appreciation Society

I found this on the internet and thought that it should maybe be shared with you all - It's on a subject very dear to my heart - Drunken Texts. If you know me at ALL you'll have received at least one in your life, especially if you are important to me. However the amount of times I have woken up and gone through my phone book out box in horror... Anyway here they are, the 11 types of drunken text that you should all familiarise yourselves with:

1) The "fishing" text.

This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", or simply "Ocean?"
Despite appearing innocent at first, this type of text is far from it. Sent at 3am, this generally should be translated as:"Im drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? I wanna come round and jump your bones right now!"

Typical response rate is around 10%. The determinates of a successful "fishing" text are alcohol levels in the person receiving the text, how filthy they are, and your marginal propensity to sleep.

A "fishing" text is at its worst wen sent to an ex. Just dont do it! Remove her number from your phone, or, do what i did, simply put "No" after/b4 her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.

(Apparently the aussie's have got this sorted. You can ring up a company b4 you got out and have a specific number barred from your phone for the night! Awesome!)


2) The "T9" classic

For those geeks up on your phone lingo "T9" refers to the predictive text facility found on most mobile phones. Such a programme, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.

My personal favourites:

"In supermarket. Fucking steve." Thanks Camilla Begg (London)

"wish i was inside your gorgeous aunt right now" (thanks Colette- Nottingham)

The local boozer in town is called the crown, so wen my 'mate dave' asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:

''fancy gettin food in the crown?''

it inevitably got written as:

''fancy gettin done in the brown?''

(Special thanks to James Osborne - Sheffield Hallam for that one!)

"Fancy a dual?"

This last one is also classed as a "fishing" text since, as u may have realised, "dual" should say "fuck".
Fortunately, the girl i sent this baby to saw the funny side and hadn't been drinking. She sent the following reply:

"Andy, unfortunately i hav no desire to don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a "dual". Oh, and i certainly dont want sex with u!"

3) The "friend locator" text

The only type of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:

You've just met some chick and your mates have fucked off to leave u to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. U are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your frends several times b4 realising they will not be able to hear them ring. Your solution is to send the following message:

"Wher u? Ho on dancefloor" Or some other incomprehensible crap.

This situation is exhasbirated in the following Nottingham nightclubs:
ISIS, Oceana cheese room and The Lizard Lounge, since you have fuck all signal and must except the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fair home, or play that game outside the club where u go up to people u loosely recognise and start asking "lenton anyone?".

Response rate: 0.01%

4) "Declarations of undying love"

No doubt the most embarassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?

"You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" - Ergh!

"I love u!"

"Love you millions"

"Why cant all guys be as fit like you!"

"Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!" (My personal worst - I'm always sending it)

"Im so into you right now."

It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure. x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Response rate: 0% and by sheer coincidence thats exactly how much sex you'll be getting from her after sending it. And also the amount of respect her housemates will have for u after she shows it to them.

5) "Family texts"

Doesnt happen to many, but to those few who accidentily text the parents, it can be disastrous.

Normally, the parents will have had a phone conversation with you prior to going out so they are on your mind slightly.

Parents most likely to recieve messages are those who are dangerously close to fitties in the phone book. For example: "Dad" will be located near "Dave" alphebeitcally.

My favourites:

"Im c*nted where are you?" (sent by a friend to their mother. They didnt speak for a week or so)

"U wanna stay at mine tonite?" (ooh dear)

and last but not least...Phone sex.

"Ill start at ur nipples and lick my way south untill im licking and sucking ur wet pussy... (you go)"

The above isn't actually an urban myth and genuinely did happen to my cousin. The recieving dad would not let it go lightly and it became his standard party trick to tell in front of other relatives at christmases and birthdays!


6) "Sex text"

It not big, its not clever. For some reason (normally alcohol) we can send the most disgusting of messages to our loved ones. I wont be dsiplaying any!

7) "The Send to the Wrong Person Text"

Unfortunately this typically occurs when you are bitching about someone or saying you fancy someone. Their name sticks in your head when you're about to send to it... and BANG! Wrong person gets the very message they are the subject of.

Although this does have it advantages, because you can do the double bluff. Want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous? Easy send a message to her that was meant for your fictional new hot lover. (No.7 Courtesy of Ed Hope)

8) Singing Texts

Ever caught yourself texting song lyrics? Shocking really isn't it!

9. "The One Eyed Text"

By 1am focusing has become difficult, darn right impossible infact, but far from detered, your alcohol fuel brain discovers u can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye. Thanks: Clare Solomon (SOAS)

10) The "Shotgun" text.

During pre-lash one member of the group receives a message their phone, but forgets to call shotgun for it. Another member of the group who calls it quickly then gets to reply to the message, whoever it may be!

11) Pre-lash booty check texts

A sister to the "fishing text", the pre lash booty text is
sent in between the hours of 9pm and midnight generally whilst pre-lashing. The innocent "You out tonight?" sent to the opposite sex is again far from it.

It should be translated as, "Just checking your out in case i need to find u for some sex later."
In more serious cases it can be indicitive of stalking and obsession. I advise girls not to send this type of text since this completely hands the power over to the guy and its up to him if you're getting any!

12)The "reminder" text

Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that. You have realised just how pissed you are and that in the morning you will remember nothing. You therefore send yourself reminders for the morning.

Examples:

"Say sorry to Kelly"

"U lent boycey £40"

"Adam pulled chalmers, check your camera"

"Key is under bin"

13) The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition".

Strictly speaking, this is not a text message. However, I still felt it needed to be added. The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition" occurs at a highly intoxicated moment in the evening when u cant remember the name of the person you've just spent the last few hours talking with / just woken up next to! To spare yourself the embarassment of asking "Whats your name again?", you decide to hand them your phone instead and get them to type it in!!! Works a charm, but they normally figure out why you're doing it!!!

And thats it. If you have any embarrassing stories do feel free to share them... I also suggest starting a petition to bring that aussie text blocking system in!

© 2007 Fredordead

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Labels: rant, texts

posted by Freddy @ Wednesday, March 28, 2007 Comments: 0

An Historic Day.

Hello punters!!

I nearly forgot you all in the excitement of discovering facebook!! But leave you forever? NO No NOOOO!!

Northern Ireland is in the "HISTORIC" category of the news today - how many times have we been in that category? But yet yesterday the news wasn't really about Nortern Ireland it was about two men. They could have both been from Great Yarmouth - the story would have still been amazing.



This story is about two sworn political enemies losing enormous face and doing something unthinkable in years gone by, simply to do the right thing by a country. In Ian Paisley's speech yesterday he said "I want to make it clear that I am committed to delivering not only for those who voted for the DUP but for all the people of Northern Ireland."



Make no mistake, for Ian Paisley even to sit beside Adams for the 15 mins or so yesterday must have taken SERIOUS effort on behalf of all involved, not just the two men themselves but from countless civil servants, politicians and even family members. I don't imagine for a second it just happened spontaneously...

Whether or not they manage to stay with their feet under the table is of course another issue but let's be content (and possibly naive) enough to think that this can only be a good thing for us all.

© 2007 Fredordead

posted by Freddy @ Tuesday, March 27, 2007 Comments: 0

A beer before it starts

posted by Freddy @ Friday, March 23, 2007 Comments: 0

Oh Dear. It's cracked.

posted by Freddy @ Monday, March 19, 2007 Comments: 1

The death of Fredordead?

As some of you will already know this blog is in jeopardy...

You may lose me forever.

Why you ask? Because I (along with millions of others) have become swept up in this "social network" think that they call "Facebook"

It is more addictive than you can imagine. I really really can't tell you how addictive it is. Please click the link if you are a friend of mine on the right and even if you are dubious, start up a profile for yourself. You will be amazed at what happens - it's literally going to take ovewr your life - at least for a while...

© 2007 Fredordead

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Labels: announcements, facebook

posted by Freddy @ Sunday, March 18, 2007 Comments: 1

A good time was had by all!!

As I mentioned earlier, Smithy and I performed Carmina Burana last night with Methody at their annual concert at the Waterfront Hall - and here is the night captured for all time.

Special mention to our LYNDER who surpassed even her self with a spine tinglingly fabulous performance as soprano soloist. She reached notes that only dogs can hear...

Labels: lynder, Methody, music, photos, smithy, Waterfront

posted by Freddy @ Friday, March 16, 2007 Comments: 1

We're so EXCITED!!!

Labels: Dolly Parton

posted by Freddy @ Tuesday, March 13, 2007 Comments: 0

Dolly Do Dah!!

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Labels: Concert, Dolly Parton, Odyssey

posted by Freddy @ Monday, March 12, 2007 Comments: 0

All change

Well I've gone and got the decorators in.

What do you think? I thought I would give this blog a bit of Northern Ireland flavour and hopefully remind everyone what a lovely place we represent. What do you all think? Do you like it?

For those who don't perhaps know, this is a picture of the lovely WATERFRONT HALL here in Belfast which sits in the river Lagan. I took this picture myself using my camera phone last year. Let me know what you think of the new layout and if there are any problems my darlings!!

© 2007 Fredordead

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Labels: Northern Ireland, template, Waterfront

posted by Freddy @ Sunday, March 11, 2007 Comments: 9

WATER CHARGES!!!

Now I know that we have to pay for things and it is right that we should be taxed, but all these HIDDEN taxes that seem to be being brought into play are in my view very sneaky. We PAY TAX and we pay it every month - most of us pay it through PAYE which means that the government are the very first to get our freshly painted money, before it even hits the next tranch of grabbers - the bank.

To me it is very simple. The government takes a percentage of money which is supposed to cover our country's cost. If I earn a whole shitload of money (which I don't) then I pay a whole shitload of tax proportional to what I earn. Fair?? I think so. That way everyone pays the SAME amount of proportional percentaged tax. With me so far?

Good

Then why in the Holy-to-Christ blazes do they have to have us pay all these EXTRA taxes for water? Is it not covered in Rates? It is a COMPULSARY tax as well isn't it? Do I have a choice in the matter? Could I (in theory) buy BOTTLED water and not pay this tax? The answer is no. Like all of our "added extras" not included in like for like comparisons with other countries taxation levels, there is no choice.

But why not have ONE tax bill at one rate for everyone that includes all of the government's budget requirements I hear you cry! Imagine that! One bill that covers the hospitals, your pension, the road tax, the cost of a passport issue, Driving License Issue, TV license, Water bill, Road Tax, National Insurance, Inheritance Tax, Carparking charges on the roads and finally my own favourite, Rates.

So with all this in mind, GO HERE and object in the completely modern way. Let off steam. Be angry - get it out of your system in perhaps the most blatantly futile scheme our NEW LABOUR GOVERNMENT has ever dreamed up. It keeps the placards off the streets for gawds sake - go on you'll feel 50 times better....

© 2006 Fredordead

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Labels: rant

posted by Freddy @ Monday, March 05, 2007 Comments: 1

A Report from Mr Hutton

A holiday report by Mr Hutton:

I was in Manchester for a few days and when I had some free time I took myself to Chester Cathedral as I have never been there. This venue has Melisma written all over it!

The second photo is taken in the Trafford Centre outside manchester - oh my god! it is an incredible shopping place with all the big names like John Lewis, Selfridges Hugo Boss etc etc I spent three hours on the first floor and never got near the ground floor - if you love shopping then this place is a must!

Labels: Holiday, Mr Hutton, photos, shoppping

posted by Freddy @ Sunday, March 04, 2007 Comments: 1

Stop it!!

© 2006 Fredordead

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Labels: funny, video

posted by Freddy @ Saturday, March 03, 2007 Comments: 0