It's getting to the stage when Saturday night is becoming a social "can't do" evening in my little black book. Why?? It's just too full of fabulous television!
And this for me centers around two of the gayest things known to man - musicals and Doctor Who.
Every week another "Poor Poor Joseph" has to do the sing off before being hilariously blubbed at by the other wannabees and then returns to his dressing room to contemplate "If my life were important"
"Grease is the Word" on ITV is frankly just another talent show rip off - but still worth a look.
And then there are the Daleks.... For the Daleks it seems to be all about location these days as well as extermination. Your average tourist may seek destinations on foreign shores that ensure cheap booze and a tan, but the Daleks like nothing more than plotting world domination by setting up camp alongside familiar landmarks.
This week, the Dalek Cult of Skaro's customs-defying temporal shift to 1930's New York was the order of the day. The daleks (four remaining ones) are using the basement of the Empire State Building as their lair - where else? They are assisted by the "pig men" - a genetic warning or just a horrendous LSD flash back - you decide.
This wasn't the first time the tinny tourists have checked out New York though. For back in 1965 they scoured the top of the Empire State Building for William Hartnell's first Doctor in episode three of 'The Chase'.
In 2005's stunning episode 'Dalek', one lone (and increasingly insecure) metallic monster found itself in a museum deep below the Utah salt plains in 2012. Poor creature. The last of its kind (or so it thought) and constantly tortured - yet unable to venture outside and sample the super size American culture.
The Dalek did manage a brief glimpse at the American skyline, exposing its mutant flesh to sunlight by shooting a hole in the ceiling. Surely the Dalek should have applied at least a Factor 24 before risking the rays? Mind you, it topped itself shortly afterwards so why not head off into the afterlife with a bit of a tan...
Your average Dalek seems to a Londoner at heart though. It's a surprise they don't start adopting a mockney accent given their fondness for encountering England's capital city. "Exterminate - mayte"
They made their London debut in 1964's 'The Dalek Invasion of the Earth', which included iconic images of the aliens twiddling their plungers around landmarks like Nelson's Column and Trafalgar Square. One phenomenal cliffhanger also featured a Dalek emerging from the depths of the River Thames to confront the time travellers on the bank. That makes the whale that turned up a couple of years ago look like very small fry indeed.
Several other London-centric stories followed over the next four decades, with 1983's 'Resurrection of the Daleks' portraying a grim, grimy city - miles away from the red bus iconography depicted in the current series. Most recently, the Daleks opted to give the London Eye a miss and took to the skies above Canary Wharf themselves for the breathtaking view.
However, the most bizarre tourist hotspot for our mutants - by a nautical mile - has to be their trip to the infamous Mary Celeste ghost ship off the shore of Portugal in 'The Chase'. Using their time travel device to hunt The Doctor, the Daleks turned up when the Celeste still had a crew - but quickly ensured they did not last for long. This sequence should be noted for containing the most fabulous Dalek death ever. One of them takes a wrong turn for no explicable reason other than stupidity and glides off the plank into the sea, emitting a shriek in the process. This has to be seen to be believed.
They've hit the UK and the USA on numerous occasions so surely it's time for the Daleks to explore some new territory. We recommend the Cult of Skaro book a tour of duty to Barcelona. Or Dublin. Or what about Amsterdam?? Perhaps sampling a few of the city’s finest herbal concoctions will make our Dalek Sec chill out a bit over his fears of extinction...
Please do not watch the next video unless you are made of sturdy stuff. You have been warned. Watch as a boxer dog howls with terror out at the impending Dalek invasion...
Did you know that Tim Campbell and Michelle Dewberry - the two previous winners of the BBC2 hit reality TV show "The Apprentice" - have both told Sir Alan Sugar that they don't want to work for him anymore? This must be why he's looking for yet another protege! Here's an introduction to the 16 business whizzkids competing to win a place on the super businessman's payroll. This programme is one of my "must sees" at the moment, if only to take the piss out of the ridiculous "corp-speak" phrases they come out with.
"We've got to work till we bleed"
"Her role for this task was door opening and locations" (even Sir Alan Sugar was confused by that one)
"I'm a strong team player Sir Alan but ultimately I am totally focused on showcasing my own abilities and strengths"
Here's an introduction to the 16 coporate wannabees competing to win a place on the super businessman's payroll.
SIMON AMBROSE
A Cambridge graduate who was made redundant from his last job in investment banking.
He says: “Sleep when you’re dead. Live the dream.”
I say: He speaks six languages and isn't afraid to let us know it....
GHAZAL ASIF
A Business Development Manager who, at 23, is The Apprentice’s youngest ever contestant.
She says: “I rate myself as a talented individual.”
I say: She's as hard as a chopping board made from Vinnie Jones' kidney stones....
TRE AZAM
A 27-year-old Marketing and Design Consultant from Essex.
He says: “I can be very, very offensive when I need to be.”
I say: He’s right.
PAUL CALLAGHAN
A former Army Lieutenant whose hobbies include yachting and polo.
He says: “My lack of commercial experience might be a weakness”.
I say: Ra ra ra ra raaahh!!
KRISTINA GRIMES
A Pharmaceutical Sales Manager and single mother from Harrogate.
She says: “To me Sir Alan is an inspiration: what he has achieved and his directness.”
I say: Has nobody told her that Sir Alan hates lick-arses?
ADAM HOSKER
A Car Sales Manager from Blackburn.
He says: “On occasion my confidence can become arrogance”
I say: He sounds a bit like Jason Orange from Take That....
JADINE JOHNSON
A financial adviser from Middlesex.
She says: “You know what, Sir Alan, bring it on!”
I say: You know what Sir Alan - get her off!
LOHIT KALBURGI
A Telecoms Manager who hails from Sharhaj in the United Arab Emirates.
He says: “Ba ba ba ba ba ba.” Don’t ask.
I say: Warning! This man is not afraid of showing us his jazz hands.....
SOPHIE KAIN
A Quantum Physicist with a PhD and a jazz habit.
She says: “A lot of people would describe me as a girl geek. I’m really quite techie.”
I say: I've noticed that she drops the loveable geek act as soon as she enters the board room....
NAOMI LAY
An Advertising Sales Manager who’s completed marathons in both London and New York City.
She says: “People that know me would describe me as loud, motivated, fun, determined, compassionate and energetic.”
I say: An icy blonde we wouldn’t want to mess with. She's my prediction to win this year.
NATALIE WOOD
Who is she? A housewife with a business degree who is proud to have lost six stone with WeightWatchers.
She says: “Who needs the truth wrapped up with fairy lights? Say it how is is!”
I say: She manages to backstab without seeming vicious. Watch out for her too....
On Friday night I was supposed to be going on a pub crawl with my Lynder.
Then at about 10.30 that morning the haed of Voderfone marketing emailed me and asked me to come and see her. I went to her desk and she was asking me if I would host the Westlife box tonight as a "big favour" to her!! Such a drag my job. My only problem was what to do with Lynder so I asked if I could blag an extra ticket and then I would do it and they agreed! So I met Lynder to go on a pub crawl but then surprised her by announcing we were going to the Odyssey. Luckily she loves Westlife..
So here we are enjoying an impromptu concert and guzzling as much free wine into as as time would allow. I've seen these boys about three times now and I do think this was their best concert yet - but the 2 bottles of White NZ might be augmenting my views somewhat... Still you decide!!
Shit isn't it. Maybe you could leave us your Easter stories as a comment to pass the time a bit?
I have to say that Easter for me was quite busy for a national holiday. Having no choir duties to perform over Easter was a revelation (GEDDIT? A REVEL ATION) and this was I think the first Easter that I can remember where I was not at church at all on Easter Sunday.
On Friday Fred and I went to see Mrs McN and co (my ex boss and her family)- it was all a bit spontaneous and I had a great night. Not sure if anyone else did - I'm afraid the whole not eating lunch thing that I am doing meant that I was talking shite after about two glasses of wine...
I know that not eating lunch is not a good idea by the way - all the top "diet doctors" tell you that you will lower your metabolism, etc - but I'm here to tell you that that's all metabollocks. Here's the thing: It works for me. I lost about 5 pounds last week on it. Side effects - you get drunk too quickly and lose speech capabilities in company resulting in everyone staring at you. And I'm used to that...
Anyhow that was Fri, thanks Mrs McN and Mr McN for having us. Freddy drove me home. Woke up feeling rough as expected, went to work and then went to the KREMLIN.
Had everyone round to ours before hand and that was fine. Arrived there and had nice chats and that was fine and then one by one they all started making their excuses and wandering off and then I remembered with a JUDDER : Everyone except me goes to the KREMLIN not to see each other and talk and compare the price of cardigans. No. They go to "PULL".
My chit chat was superfluous. In fact lets face it - Fred and I were superfluous. I bought a few drinks for people, got tanked and went home vowing not to go there again. Don't get me wrong - some parts were OK but the overall impact was too great both in preparation and in execution and it made me feel old - which is NOT happening again I can tell you.
So I have decided that from now on only people OVER a certain age (or mental age) will be allowed to be on my guest list. I'm not going to "host" evenings anymore for people who aren't interested in me and me alone! Call me selfish but it's my bloody house!
I'm going to have nights like I had on Sunday (pictured below) where my tried and tested friends come round to see me and enjoy my hospitality for what it is. Alan and Jonny - two people who I care about greatly and who both separately and independently texted me to thank me for having them and who I know are friends for life. Why did they do that? COS THEY HAVE FUCKING MANNERS THAT'S WHY!!
Susan and Richard stayed over (due to Richard's attachment to our small settee..) and we went for breakfast to Ruby Tuesday's. They are also I know friends for life.
And Tuesday we went up to see the Bangor wing of the household and Cazza was home for Easter. Louise (I know she reads this) sat with us and chatted away all night and it was lovely to see her - she sometimes hides away in the other room which is fair enough cos we is OLD!!!
So to sum up, and as I said to my "shrink"...I am now going to focus my life on nice people who are either generally the same age or much older than me (if there are any left) because they make me feel YOUNG and beautiful and intelligent not old and frumpy and fat and worst of all STUPID!
Happy Easter "30 somethings"... remember - we all have one thing that the "20 somethings" will never have. A mortgage.
"My Way" by St Paul's Cathedral Choir. Listen out for Paul Phoenix's solo in the third verse - an amazingly expressive performance - sung from the heart. Very clever getting a child to sing a retrospective song sung by someone at the end of their life! I've never heard a treble sing like that.
I thought this would be a fitting Easter post - it's my own dear Dolly Parton singing the passion story - kind of like Stainer's Crucifixion done in a country and western style - and all boiled down to about 3 mins.
Listen right to the end though as the final chorus is rather uplifting. In the live concert when she performed this she went up the stairs of the set for this chorus to the highest point of the stage and really gave it the belt - it was quite moving even for a heathen like me...
It's Saturday and it's Easter and the sun is shining here in Belfast!! YAY!!
Just to cheer you up and put you in the mood for a great weekend, Here's "ULSTER'S OWN" Dolly Parton performing her hit song 9 to 5. I think the producer of this one might have been taking a few RECREATIONAL SUBSTANCES when he came up for the concept of this performance. Still our Dolly soldiers through...
