Back to Work
How are you getting on with "Back to Work?"
Shit isn't it. Maybe you could leave us your Easter stories as a comment to pass the time a bit?
I have to say that Easter for me was quite busy for a national holiday. Having no choir duties to perform over Easter was a revelation (GEDDIT? A REVEL ATION) and this was I think the first Easter that I can remember where I was not at church at all on Easter Sunday.
On Friday Fred and I went to see Mrs McN and co (my ex boss and her family)- it was all a bit spontaneous and I had a great night. Not sure if anyone else did - I'm afraid the whole not eating lunch thing that I am doing meant that I was talking shite after about two glasses of wine...
I know that not eating lunch is not a good idea by the way - all the top "diet doctors" tell you that you will lower your metabolism, etc - but I'm here to tell you that that's all metabollocks. Here's the thing: It works for me. I lost about 5 pounds last week on it. Side effects - you get drunk too quickly and lose speech capabilities in company resulting in everyone staring at you. And I'm used to that...
Anyhow that was Fri, thanks Mrs McN and Mr McN for having us. Freddy drove me home. Woke up feeling rough as expected, went to work and then went to the KREMLIN.
Had everyone round to ours before hand and that was fine. Arrived there and had nice chats and that was fine and then one by one they all started making their excuses and wandering off and then I remembered with a JUDDER : Everyone except me goes to the KREMLIN not to see each other and talk and compare the price of cardigans. No.
They go to "PULL".My chit chat was superfluous. In fact lets face it - Fred and I were superfluous. I bought a few drinks for people, got tanked and went home vowing not to go there again. Don't get me wrong - some parts were OK but the overall impact was too great both in preparation and in execution and it made me feel old - which is NOT happening again I can tell you.
So I have decided that from now on only people OVER a certain age (or mental age) will be allowed to be on my guest list. I'm not going to "host" evenings anymore for people who aren't interested in me and me alone! Call me selfish but it's my bloody house!
I'm going to have nights like I had on Sunday (pictured below) where my tried and tested friends come round to see me and enjoy my hospitality for what it is. Alan and Jonny - two people who I care about greatly and who both separately and independently texted me to thank me for having them and who I know are friends for life. Why did they do that? COS THEY HAVE FUCKING MANNERS THAT'S WHY!!
Susan and Richard stayed over (due to Richard's attachment to our small settee..) and we went for breakfast to Ruby Tuesday's. They are also I know friends for life.
And Tuesday we went up to see the Bangor wing of the household and Cazza was home for Easter. Louise (I know she reads this) sat with us and chatted away all night and it was lovely to see her - she sometimes hides away in the other room which is fair enough cos we is OLD!!!
So to sum up, and as I said to my "shrink"...I am now going to focus my life on nice people who are either generally the same age or much older than me (if there are any left) because they make me feel YOUNG and beautiful and intelligent not old and frumpy and fat and worst of all STUPID!
Happy Easter "30 somethings"... remember - we all have one thing that the "20 somethings" will never have. A mortgage.
© 2007 Fredordead
Email FredLabels: rant
The Drunken Text Appreciation Society
I found this on the internet and thought that it should maybe be shared with you all - It's on a subject very dear to my heart - Drunken Texts. If you know me at ALL you'll have received at least one in your life, especially if you are important to me. However the amount of times I have woken up and gone through my phone book out box in horror... Anyway here they are, the 11 types of drunken text that you should all familiarise yourselves with:
1) The "fishing" text.This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", or simply "Ocean?"
Despite appearing innocent at first, this type of text is far from it. Sent at 3am, this generally should be translated as:"Im drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? I wanna come round and jump your bones right now!"
Typical response rate is around 10%. The determinates of a successful "fishing" text are alcohol levels in the person receiving the text, how filthy they are, and your marginal propensity to sleep.
A "fishing" text is at its worst wen sent to an ex. Just dont do it! Remove her number from your phone, or, do what i did, simply put "No" after/b4 her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself.
(Apparently the aussie's have got this sorted. You can ring up a company b4 you got out and have a specific number barred from your phone for the night! Awesome!)
2) The "T9" classic
For those geeks up on your phone lingo "T9" refers to the predictive text facility found on most mobile phones. Such a programme, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol.
My personal favourites:
"In supermarket. Fucking steve." Thanks Camilla Begg (London)
"wish i was inside your gorgeous aunt right now" (thanks Colette- Nottingham)
The local boozer in town is called the crown, so wen my 'mate dave' asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up:
''fancy gettin food in the crown?''
it inevitably got written as:
''fancy gettin done in the brown?''
(Special thanks to James Osborne - Sheffield Hallam for that one!)
"Fancy a dual?"
This last one is also classed as a "fishing" text since, as u may have realised, "dual" should say "fuck".
Fortunately, the girl i sent this baby to saw the funny side and hadn't been drinking. She sent the following reply:
"Andy, unfortunately i hav no desire to don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a "dual". Oh, and i certainly dont want sex with u!"
3) The "friend locator" text
The only type of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation:
You've just met some chick and your mates have fucked off to leave u to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. U are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your frends several times b4 realising they will not be able to hear them ring. Your solution is to send the following message:
"Wher u? Ho on dancefloor" Or some other incomprehensible crap.
This situation is exhasbirated in the following Nottingham nightclubs:
ISIS, Oceana cheese room and The Lizard Lounge, since you have fuck all signal and must except the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fair home, or play that game outside the club where u go up to people u loosely recognise and start asking "lenton anyone?".
Response rate: 0.01%
4) "Declarations of undying love"No doubt the most embarassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following?
"You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" - Ergh!
"I love u!"
"Love you millions"
"Why cant all guys be as fit like you!"
"Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!" (My personal worst - I'm always sending it)
"Im so into you right now."
It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure. x x x x x x x x x x x x x
Response rate: 0% and by sheer coincidence thats exactly how much sex you'll be getting from her after sending it. And also the amount of respect her housemates will have for u after she shows it to them.
5) "Family texts"Doesnt happen to many, but to those few who accidentily text the parents, it can be disastrous.
Normally, the parents will have had a phone conversation with you prior to going out so they are on your mind slightly.
Parents most likely to recieve messages are those who are dangerously close to fitties in the phone book. For example: "Dad" will be located near "Dave" alphebeitcally.
My favourites:
"Im c*nted where are you?" (sent by a friend to their mother. They didnt speak for a week or so)
"U wanna stay at mine tonite?" (ooh dear)
and last but not least...Phone sex.
"Ill start at ur nipples and lick my way south untill im licking and sucking ur wet pussy... (you go)"
The above isn't actually an urban myth and genuinely did happen to my cousin. The recieving dad would not let it go lightly and it became his standard party trick to tell in front of other relatives at christmases and birthdays!
6) "Sex text"
It not big, its not clever. For some reason (normally alcohol) we can send the most disgusting of messages to our loved ones. I wont be dsiplaying any!
7) "The Send to the Wrong Person Text"
Unfortunately this typically occurs when you are bitching about someone or saying you fancy someone. Their name sticks in your head when you're about to send to it... and BANG! Wrong person gets the very message they are the subject of.
Although this does have it advantages, because you can do the double bluff. Want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous? Easy send a message to her that was meant for your fictional new hot lover. (No.7 Courtesy of Ed Hope)
8) Singing Texts
Ever caught yourself texting song lyrics? Shocking really isn't it!
9. "The One Eyed Text"
By 1am focusing has become difficult, darn right impossible infact, but far from detered, your alcohol fuel brain discovers u can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye. Thanks: Clare Solomon (SOAS)
10) The "Shotgun" text.
During pre-lash one member of the group receives a message their phone, but forgets to call shotgun for it. Another member of the group who calls it quickly then gets to reply to the message, whoever it may be!
11) Pre-lash booty check texts
A sister to the "fishing text", the pre lash booty text is
sent in between the hours of 9pm and midnight generally whilst pre-lashing. The innocent "You out tonight?" sent to the opposite sex is again far from it.
It should be translated as, "Just checking your out in case i need to find u for some sex later."
In more serious cases it can be indicitive of stalking and obsession. I advise girls not to send this type of text since this completely hands the power over to the guy and its up to him if you're getting any!
12)The "reminder" text
Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that. You have realised just how pissed you are and that in the morning you will remember nothing. You therefore send yourself reminders for the morning.
Examples:
"Say sorry to Kelly"
"U lent boycey £40"
"Adam pulled chalmers, check your camera"
"Key is under bin"
13) The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition".
Strictly speaking, this is not a text message. However, I still felt it needed to be added. The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition" occurs at a highly intoxicated moment in the evening when u cant remember the name of the person you've just spent the last few hours talking with / just woken up next to! To spare yourself the embarassment of asking "Whats your name again?", you decide to hand them your phone instead and get them to type it in!!! Works a charm, but they normally figure out why you're doing it!!!
And thats it. If you have any embarrassing stories do feel free to share them... I also suggest starting a petition to bring that aussie text blocking system in!
© 2007 Fredordead
Email FredLabels: rant, texts
WATER CHARGES!!!
Now I know that we have to pay for things and it is right that we should be taxed, but all these HIDDEN taxes that seem to be being brought into play are in my view very sneaky. We PAY TAX and we pay it every month - most of us pay it through PAYE which means that the government are the very first to get our freshly painted money, before it even hits the next tranch of grabbers - the bank.
To me it is very simple. The government takes a percentage of money which is supposed to cover our country's cost. If I earn a whole shitload of money (which I don't) then I pay a whole shitload of tax proportional to what I earn. Fair?? I think so. That way everyone pays the SAME amount of proportional percentaged tax. With me so far?
Good
Then why in the Holy-to-Christ blazes do they have to have us pay all these EXTRA taxes for water? Is it not covered in Rates? It is a COMPULSARY tax as well isn't it? Do I have a choice in the matter? Could I (in theory) buy BOTTLED water and not pay this tax? The answer is no. Like all of our "added extras" not included in like for like comparisons with other countries taxation levels, there is no choice.
But why not have ONE tax bill at one rate for everyone that includes all of the government's budget requirements I hear you cry! Imagine that! One bill that covers the hospitals, your pension, the road tax, the cost of a passport issue, Driving License Issue, TV license, Water bill, Road Tax, National Insurance, Inheritance Tax, Carparking charges on the roads and finally my own favourite, Rates.
So with all this in mind,
GO HERE and object in the completely modern way. Let off steam. Be angry - get it out of your system in perhaps the most blatantly futile scheme our NEW LABOUR GOVERNMENT has ever dreamed up. It keeps the placards off the streets for gawds sake - go on you'll feel 50 times better....
© 2006 Fredordead
Email FredLabels: rant
Yesterday..
Yesterday was a really lovely day.
It was Valentines day - the sky was really blue, the City Hall looked stunning from my work (above) and all was good in the world. I had a really good sales day yesterday - in fact there was NOTHING bad about yesterday. I caught myself thinking that my life is far from perfect but it's as near as I can get it.
I'm not rich, but I'm not poor. I have a house and a mortgage - something that is becoming quite an achievement these days since people can't actually afford starter homes, I'm not alone in the world, I have my Freddy who I love, and I work in a place where I like everyone and everyone likes me. I don't have bird flu. I don't live in Iraq. I'm NOT being poisoned by Russians. I've beaten my anorexia by taking down the mirrors in my house. All is good. (only joking by the way before I get a comment asking me to talk about annorexia)
So I just thought I'd say that. Yesterday was a lovely day because actually I have nothing real to complain about.
Peter, the eternal pessimist who lives in my brain is still jumping around deep down shouting "Prepare to be doomed! Prepare to be doomed!" but he can fuck right off!!
Labels: Northern Ireland, rant
Pointless Museum Lets You Look At Kylie's Smelly Clothes
Here we are again with Kylie.
I've ranted about her before on here. I find her bland and ordinaire. It's well known.
But I will admit that Kylie has provided men in general with some worthwhile entertainment. And now you can be entertained and fascinated all at the same time by looking at her pants quite close up.
Yes, that’s right, you can now unleash the stalker that’s always been lurking inside you and go down to the Victoria & Albert Museum in London to look at various stage outfits that Kylie has donned, from the dungarees that she sported in the early days of Neighbours in 1987 to those infamous hotpants that helped save her dodgy music career.
Over 200 pieces of Kylie gear has been donated for you to perv over look at, and to Fredordead's amazement, tickets are said to be selling well ahead of Thursday's opening.
In, a statement that literally took seconds to prepare, Kylie described how she felt about the exhibition to BBC News:
“Honoured.”
So is this the new celebrity trend? I presume so. As whenever a winning money-spinning formula is created, other celebrities will soon follow. Expect to see the clothes that Richard Hammond crashed in, the lack of clothing that Jordan models in and the various syringes that Pete Doherty squirts blood at cameras with. If any PR companies out there would like to see what trendy gear Fredordead wears on a day-to-day to basis, send a bag of cash and a sturdy table and I'll proudly show off my sweaty, burger-stained gear to the whole damn world.
Labels: rant
Goodbye England's Rose
It'll be ten years next year since Princess Diana died in a car in a tunnel in Paris. There will be many ways for the public to express its lasting grief towards Princess Diana, but none more fitting than by having a bit of a jig to Crocodile Rock.
The Princess Diana Memorial Concert is set to take place next July in the new Wembley Stadium, but you my loyal FREDORDEAD readers will, chances are, not be going to it.
Not because the idea of a memorial concert for a woman with an eating disorder makes you want to run into the sea and not stop until you reach the safety of another country. No you won't be going because 60,000 red-eyed housewives and homosexual men with embroideries of Princess Diana as an angel on their walls have already beaten you to it.
The Princess Diana Memorial Concert sold out less than half an hour after the tickets went on sale.
It's been almost a decade since Princess Diana died, and the events of that time still burn brightly. Many people have memories of that day etched into their minds and the eulogies are still prevalent in the press. Everyone has their own misty eyed version of the loss of this young beautiful princess snatched from us like a young petal in full bloom etc etc.
For instance, David Hasselhoff remembers Princess Diana because she almost had sex with him and George Michael remembers Princess Diana because she almost had sex with him - but what about the rest of us? The ones that Princess Diana didn't want to have sex with?
Luckily Prince William and his brother Prince Harry have organised a special concert for those who she didn't want to have sex with. The Princess Diana Didn't Want To Have Sex With You But Here's Andrew Lloyd Webber Anyway Memorial Concert - or Princess Diana Memorial Concert for short.
Only you can't go to it because the Princess Diana Memorial Concert sold out in less than 30 minutes, as CNN reports:
Tickets for a pop concert to mark the 10th anniversary of Princess Diana's death sold out 30 minutes after going on sale, organisers have said… The concert, organised by Diana's sons, Princes William and Harry, will take place at the renovated Wembley stadium in London next July and feature acts including Elton John, Duran Duran and Pharrell Williams. The £45 ($88) tickets for the tribute were up for grabs from 9 a.m. but they were already attracting bids of up to £200 each on the online auction eBay. The online message read: "For now, tickets have sold out. We hope very much that more tickets will be released in the New Year. Please keep checking back here for further information."
So far the line-up for the Princess Diana Memorial Concert also includes Bryan Ferry, Joss Stone and the English National Ballet. The concert organisers have promised that more acts that reflect Princess Diana's musical tastes will be announced soon, which means that Chris De Burgh will inevitably sing Lady In Red. Also, it's being strongly rumoured that The Spice Girls will reform for the concert, as Princess Diana was thought to have been a fan of the four singles The Spice Girls released just before she died.
Please remember though, that Princess Diana was not the only person to die in that horrible crash, and a special Dodi Al Fayed memorial concert is also scheduled to take place next year, featuring a confused-looking Michael Jackson half-heartedly yelping "We Are The World" while Uri Geller bends spoons with his mind and Mohamed Al Fayed plays the bongos in Harrods car park at 2am on a Wednesday night.
Goodbye Englands Rose.....
© 2006 Fredordead
Vote for Freddy every visit!! Click Here!!Email FredLabels: Diana, rant
"History. It's just one bloody thing after another."
Regular readers of this blog will know that last year I was involved in selecting music for a play that took place here in Belfast that was performed in Stranmillis by a local drama group called "
The Lady in the Van" by Alan Bennett. It was a premiere for the amateur circuit and the group had special permission to perform it by Alan Bennett himself. Most of the music was already stated in the script so it was just a matter for me of sourcing recordings of them - mainly Schubert and Mozart. The rest of the music I selected from old collections I have already and I used a few choral pieces which had been written by Philip, a friend of mine. The music went down very well and the cast in particular loved it.
I love Alan Bennett and last night I went with Smithy to see "
The History Boys" in the Grand Opera House (written by Alan Bennett) - this play has been recently made into a film also which
is on general release at the cinema currently.
Our Grand Opera House has been recently refurbished. I'm not sure what I want to say about this. The refurbed interval bars are built on 3 levels with open courtyard area in the middle. The new wing is certainly very spacious and the place seems so much roomier - but I'm afraid it seems slightly lacking in atmosphere... it feels like you are going out to a shopping mall food court during the interval. I would have thought it would have been more sympathetic to the old dame of a theatre to make the extension dark and theatrical as well as spacious? Worryingly, there lots of open raised levels with shelves to put your drink on overlooking the floor quite a distance below where more people mill about - it will only a matter of time before someone gets bottled from above by someone accidentally dropping their bacardi breezer over the edge..
The actual play was good first half, and stunning second, as is quite often the way. The first half set up the characters - I'll not reconstruct the story here but you can read the plot
HERE if you are interested.
Suffice it to say I enjoyed the play very much - a lot more than Smithy did who doesn't feel comfortable with touchy feely dramatic sessions, but both of us came away feeling that Bennett whilst a brilliant playwright certainly, succeeds mainly in making us all feel very very stupid. Call me a victim of
Dumbed-Down-Britain if you feel like it, but I think Bennett's albeit vastly intelligent writing excludes some of his audience. I missed a lot of the concepts especially the references to turning points in history referred to because they were just too clever too quickly. Reading the play is a must and I will do that as I think it is truly worth doing just that. That way I will have time to absorb the ideas - but just to warn you - it's a wordy one this. Don't go expecting Thora Hird and her cream cracker under the settee ...
The slick stage work of the production team (seemed like the stage was always being set by the actors themselves) was a treat to watch. Each set change was precisioned to the second with vintage 70's and 80's songs played over rolling black and white VT as flats rolled across stages and furniture was glided into place by the actors themselves. What looked like chaos during the blackouts would suddenly be floodlight with a bang and everyone was in place and the action rolled on. Lighting cues and sound cues were just the best I have seen and for me this was extremely exciting to watch. Of course the actors were also very slick indeed - our performance was subtitled for the deaf so the actors were under pressure to deliver the script in it's exact form - no paraphrasing - which they did exactly.
My biggest complaint however is about our audience. During some of the more delicate subject matter in the play, our Belfast audience clearly could not cope. During a scene where a teacher is being fired for some rather
"hands on" teaching with one of the boys, our audience laughed nervously throughout.
My theory on this odd behaviour is that Belfast only goes to the theatre once in a blue moon and when it does it goes there for a "good laugh" and to be "entertained" and most of all to be seen by other people who want to be seen - so any serious subject matter will confuse it and make it feel uncomfortable resulting in laughing away the awkwardness.
I'm sure it was most bizarre for these touring actors to hear hysterical laughter at lines alluding to a teacher being sacked for repeatedly groping an underage boy... but that's Northern Ireland for you...
Labels: Northern Ireland, rant, smithy, Theatre
X Factor's Watery Grave
So what did you think - Did you agree?? The poll suggested you did - You all accurately evicted Nicholas on the vote page (which has now been reset.)
Results were as follows:
Nicholas (4)
36%
Chico (3)
27%
The Conway Sisters (3)
27%
Journey South (1)
9%
Andy (0)
0%
Brenda (0)
0%
Shayne (0)
0%
Louis' introduction - "He's a young guy, he's called Nicholas" - was a piece of genius in his ever improving library of slick aerudite TV linkage. Afterwards Louis, damning with faint praise stated, "Well a lot of it was in tune."
Nicholas just nodded and kissed Kate a lot smiling and not realising that his adjudication had been quite the worst seen on X factor. If Simon AND Sharon are both in agreement about the "tooning" (even if they both thought Nicholas was FLAT when in fact any truly musical person will confirm to you that he was horrendously SHARP throughout his performance) then you should simply not be there. I'm amazed the guy lasted that long in the competition undetected.
But what about the water incident?? Sharon, my "good fairy" in the pantomime crushed the wicked witch of the west, namely Evil Louis by throwing water all over him and his fake empty laptop (note that there were no health and safety production team members rushing to the stage to get Louis away from impending electrocution. Audience goes mad. They would do that anyway as the audience is so coked up that they would give a standing ovation to one of the Conway Sisters hacking up a fur ball....
Meanwhile I couldn't help wondering how much damage this shenanagans was doing to the show's credibility. Firstly it all seemed staged?? Am I right?? Secondly I am getting really fed up with the judges bickering. The end of X factor last year had a result which it was widely felt depended a lot on the final night showdown between Sharon and Simon. It was felt Steve Brookstein got a sympathy vote for being attacked so vociferiously by Sharon, and that was validated when G4 turned out the selling platinum album, while Steve Brooksteain turned up doing PA's in pubs in tiny villages. I reckon the judges are what will end the success of the show if they are not careful. It's already difficult for me to envisage a third series of this show now as the pantomime is getting just too obvious to be taken seriously.
Boo Hiss!! Kill that evil Louis.
"That was fantastic!", said Simon, though it was unclear if he was referring to the water throwing or the Journey South performance. If it was the latter, he was lying.
By some kind of miracle, underneath a glitter ball - well, standing in front of a projection of one anyway - was Brenda, who went all disco-tastic on us with Donna Summer's Last Dance. It was a little bit throaty in places, but overall she shone, and her ever decreasing boobs shaking at the end helped her to win our hearts. Diet and exercise video next Christmas if nothing else.
As for Shayne - well!! All I can say is that here at Fred and Freds we did notice that there were a couple of shots of Shayne with his shirt off during the into VT....
Take That's A Million Love Songs was his song of choice, and that was perfect as Shayne has to be the gayest speaker in the world. If he isn't gay then I'm an National Irish Team Rugby player and Freddy is Tina Turner.
But then it was CHICO TIME!!!
"You can get delirious, you take life too serious"
"Go Chico, go Chico, go" (literally)
I am leaving it up to you to tell me what you think as I don't want to divide the nation with my views. However, Simon distilled it when he said "Horribly Fantastic"
Yes I do know that it will probably go to number one in the not too distant future (and according to one friend of mine who will remain nameless, so will Peter Andre and Jordan with "A Whole New World from Children in Need which says it all...
Chico's Chicettes got an adjudication seemingly and then to add insult to injury, Chico repeated ad nauseum the lyrics and "message" of his song after his adjudication, so that slow audience members would truly understand what Chico was standing up for tonight.
Not since the invention of "Girl Power" have we had a "concept" so radical. Truly inspirational stuff for me and really gave me a lot to think about. You know I HAVE been feeling slightly delirious recently and now thanks to Chico I think I know why. Certainly food for thought.
Needless to say that Nicholas went and deservedly so. Even the Moggies did a better job than he did. Frankly Sharon's "difficult" decision would have been no less difficult if I had walked on to the stage with two coconut halves strapped around my nipples complete with grass skirt on and sang "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" with the cast from Emmerdale singing backing vocals. I would still have been a classier and more credible act. Nicholas's crass made up hooting second time round was in even more out of "toon" - and with that he was shown his "best bits" and a nation wept as we bade him farewell.
ANYWAY WHO WILL GO NEXT WEEK? VOTE NOW ON THE LEFT - let's get it right this week again!!!
Labels: New Year, rant, X Factor
Gay Pride Events - what do you think?
This article wouldn't be nearly as eye-catching if accompanied by a picture of a gay middle aged man in a jumper at the cinema
I have always been slightly embarrassed by gay pride events. Once upon a time gay people marched, in fear, to be treated equally. They were attacked along the way, but they were making a stand in a time when some people genuinely hated gay people.
In Northern Ireland this hatred and failure to understand could mean something as raw as being beaten up outside the the one or two clubs in Belfast prepared to take the risk of presenting itself as a "gay" venue. Alternatively on an even more sinister side this lack of understanding could mean the loss of a job or contract if anyone found out about your "dirty secret"
Thankfully though these are altogether different times and even in the last 5 years or so things have moved on immeasurably here. You can feel it. People want to understand - they have been educated despite these stereotypes. Our younger counter-parts never fail to amaze me particularly - most of them that I talk to couldn't really give a damn now and not only are they tolerant but they are intrigued by gay people. They seem to want to understand.
The "Only Gay in the Village" sketches on "Little Britain" are about just that - how old school homosexuals are actually dying to appear different and exotic when in fact they are now on the whole, accepted and treated no different from everybody else.
And now, "Gay Pride" seems to be about people dressing up in the most ridiculous way, that they would never do in their everyday lives. People will be flashing as many body parts as possible, mincing, squealing, and living up to every bad gay stereotype imaginable.
I have never felt the need to be part of this. I have never really been part of the "gay community" in general. I've always wondered whether that makes me a tiny minority in a minority, or whether there are many more like me, people you would just never know about because they don't act that way and they're not part of that lifestyle. I always hoped it was the latter.
It could still be that many straight people will see the people at Gay Pride and assume that's what we are all like. If this were the case, it would only create further discrimination and demonstrate that being gay is some kind of alien lifestyle. I would like to think that most people block out this behaviour and see it for what it is - all a show and not indicitave of the greater majority of gay people.
The "protesters" now go against everything the original protesters fought for: To be treated equally as normal human beings. Being gay is an attraction to people of the same sex. It has nothing to do with feather boas, bad wigs and hideous makeup. It is a sexual attraction, not a lifestyle, and I don't understand why people have decided to portray it as such.
Of course Im not saying I don't realise that they do it for the publicity. 100 gay civil servants quietly parading through london in suits albeit by Calvin Clein wouldn't exactly hit the headlines. I just wonder exactly what the message is in these times.
As Lisa Simpson said in an episode of the Simpsons which touched upon this very subject, "We know you're here, and we know you're queer, you were here last year - we are used to it!!!"
Labels: Northern Ireland, rant
Diets - Are they worth it?
I've started another diet today. Yes another. And now I've been dieting for nearly two years and have managed to gain an impressive stone since I started my diet.
If you know me you've had to listen to me banging on about my diets. Literally boring everyone to tears.
Forcing people to buy "Diet Lemonade" in bars for me when ordering rounds, switching around from not wishing to be invited to restaurants to wanting to eat everything on the menu. Telling patient waiters that I don't want the rice or potatoes one week and then give me nothing but rice and potatoes the next.
Well right here is where I face the facts.Diets are for people who wish to gain attention from all around them
Diets only serve to force you to think about food ALL THE TIME
Diets are ....
Well I'm not going to lose weight on a diet let's face it. I'm only going to lose weight by forgetting about food altogether - in fact by forgetting all about WEIGHT altogether - and the only way to do that in this lean-obsessive media environment is to decide I'm actually OK and am the right weight.
And actually I am.
It's the rest of the world that has shrunk.
So I'm off to Sainsbury's to buy houmus and greek salad and more packets of buggery All Bran and jump on this pre-Christmas post holiday merry-go-round and tell myself that this time I'm disciplined enough to do it and that if I can do it for a week then I'm out of the woods...
From now on it's Avocado Salad and Carrot juice (I kid you not - I've got the carrots and I intend to use them- And Marks and Spencers do a great Avocado and Bacon Salad pre packed )
I'm 13 stone 2 and3/4 today (Monday). By next week I'm hoping to at least be under the 13 mark by shitting out the contents of my body.. I'll let you know my progress .
Labels: rant
