I'm so selfless!!
Honestly my pattern throughout my life has always been to make other people COMFORTABLE.
If I thought I ever would make anyone feel awkward or unhappy I would just die.
It is with these strong moral and social values in mind that I have drawn up for you the
FOLLOWING.Just click on
THIS LINK so that you are left in
NO DOUBT about what the right path is.
Please don't feel embarrassed about my
CHRISTMAS GIFT because I have drawn up this list
FOR YOU.THANKYOU.FREDDY
It's just a perfect day...
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by
thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from
secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets
to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude
who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
(bending over, naturally)
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
Labels: Dancing on Ice
X Factor Poll
Don't forget about our little X Factor Poll on the right hand side - apparantly according to the votes Andy is your next contestant to be binned??
Andy?? Surely not??
Get Voting.
(Shane has won already if you ask me....)
Labels: X Factor
Stop what you are doing.
Mouse Test
Here’s a simple way to test your mouse…
…just place the cursor on the letter ‘S’ below and hold down the left mouse button while dragging the letter ‘S’ over to the letter ‘K’ at the right side of the page
If the test fails you need a new mouse
If the test passes you can return to work
Stop f*ck*ng around and get back to work
Album Cover of the Day
Picture of the day - dedicated to Susan. Run!!!!!
Labels: Susan
Album Cover of the Day
I'd like to welcome the BBC to my humble little website.
They were so impressed by it's content and following that they have agreed to enter into a contract with me to allow me to put up their little news box which you should now be able to see and use. It should always give you current news articles about Northern Ireland, the UK and my favourite subject - showbiz.
Enjoy!!
FRED
Labels: Northern Ireland
Album Cover of the Day
Your Comments on University. Did you agree with Stephen Fry?
Is University (In particular Oxford or Cambridge) full of people who believe they are better than people in lesser life? Should young people be encouraged to believe university is a ticket to something better? Were your university days your glory days? If you didn't go to university are you a failure? If you did are you glad you did and has it changed your life? Here's what a few of you have said already. Thankyou for your views....Richard Whig said... Spot on!!! I couldn't agree more with Stephen Fry. I had a choice to go to university to do music and turned it down. I regard myself as being more succesfull than most of the Oxbridge people I know. The head boy in my year at school read medicine at Cambridge and I passed him the other day. He was driving a 10 year old fiesta and looked as geeky as ever! People who have degrees from these places think that is enough and don't need to work hard while the rest of us have spent that time discovering that the only way to be successful is through hard work so we are a step ahead.
Freddy said...I never attended university. Neither did my parents. Neither did any of my immediate family before me. It wasn't an experience any of us had had. We were a family of business - of earning money as soon as you could in order to sustain yourself. At the age where I should have been thinking about university, my father was just about getting himself into some sort of financial equilibrium. He was not focused on our education, and nor was my mother. They had no personal experience (at that stage) of University and therefore it was not high up on their agenda for me or Katrina.
Most importantly it was not on mine.
I was sick to the back teeth of education and all I wanted to do was get away from everything I knew. My school was a rotten experience, the main "form teacher" of my school frightened the bejesus out of me, I avoided him and anyone in authority like the plague and as a consequence couldn't wait to get away. I dropped out of study and my A-levels were a mediocre nothing. Frankly I could not be bothered because all I could see at that time was getting away. I was lazy and self indulgent and maybe I regret it sometimes but not enough to even contemplate taking up a course in something for old times sake.
That's why my sister will never know how proud I was that she did go to university and not only that but has done extra courses and postgrads galore. She would I am sure forgive me for saying that throughout her life she faced people forever rattling on about how "talented" I was, both in terms of music but also probably in terms of ability. And yet she was the one who showed everyone and I'm so glad she did, genuinely, because it was not only good to see her succeed but also good to see her be able to stick her fingers up at anyone who said that I was the brainbox.
Empty vessels make the most sound, and while I was singing my way round Northern Ireland and claiming all the adulation, Katrina was quietly succeeding and gaining tangible results. Applause dies away.
Anyway my point is that I regret not going to university.
HOWEVER!!!!
I will not tolerate anyone who PLUMPS themselves up on their UNI days and yaks on about punting up the cam or getting "uproariously drunk with Tootles" as if it's the only lifestyle there is when you are in your early twenties.
Newsflash - you can as much fun and meet as many long term friends by NOT going to university - I know I did!!
When I was 18 I started working and had enough money for a place to live AND a pint or two at night. I had to go to work every day sure, but that taught me more than any course - I'M SURE OF IT!!! Now I am used to responsibility and duty and getting up in the morning early every day without having to make a whole scene about it. I don't have to "mentally prepare" myself for a day's work like so many of my peers did when they finished university and then started their 9 to 5's.
All I'm saying is that going to university should not simply be seen as a mark of quality and elitism and superiority as the article adequately states. It is a mark of further study and nothing more. I didn't do it - and I would have probably enjoyed it - but it makes no difference to my quality of life and I'm sick of being told it would have.
Freddy said...Richard I couldn't agree more. You are actually living proof that by choosing a "weird alternative" to going to university you have succeeded OK. You have enough money to live on and a nice life.
I know I'm going to get a load of stick for my comments but maybe it will jolt people into thinking about how we "non university" people feel....
Smithy said...I went to University. They weren't, however, the best days of my life. Neither were my school days. The best days of my life are right now; I'm living them.
I wanted and needed to go to University; I deliberately avoided Oxbridge - I was probably daunted at the prospect of meeting so many people with superiority complexes. But I met loads of them at UCL, ignored them (as they did me), and gravitated towards a small group of 'normal', like-minded souls. We had such a laugh and they helped make me into the person I am today, far more than any degree. One of the main functions of my university career was its civilizing factor; it kept me off the streets and out of mainstream society until I was ready to join it. BUT University was no more a seminal period of my life than any other time. People influence and shape me all the time.
I now neither seek nor avoid university graduates; if a conversation were leading in that direction I might ask someone if they went to university in the same way that I might ask them if they went to Fuengirola on holiday last year. But it's really not that important anymore.
However I still see the value of elitism in tertiary education. Recent governments seem to have been doing their best to erradicate that and have been encouraging more and more people into more and more universities to do degrees in monkey tennis and Boyzoneology, getting themselves into huge amounts of debt in the process.
Laura Spence was, I imagine, one of hundreds of students with predicted straight As interviewed at Oxford that year for a limited number of places. I imagine she 'shone' marginally less than girl or boy B who was interviewed just before or after her. That's tough. Life's like that. For more on Laura, see
HEREJonny @ Diagio said...I spent 4 years at University and loved every minute. I worked hard to get there and worked harder when I was there. I met a range of wonderful people and wankers- very representative of life, really. The fact that I went makes me neither better nor worse than anybody else.
Labels: Northern Ireland, smithy
I've quit my job!!!
I decided on Saturday afternoon at about 6.00 that enough is enough. So I have SENSATIONALLY QUIT!!! I can't take it any more. I'm not putting up with it - it's over.
On Sunday evening at about 9.00 at night however I'm going to SENSATIONALLY REJOIN the payroll of my employer and they can buy me flowers and lick my face and tell me how delighted they are that I'm back!!!
Oh how we missed Louis Walsh when he QUIT. It was an abomination, a travesty, an outrage. Small children were crying in the street. Not since the breakup of the Spice Girls did we as a nation join so unanimously in grief for what could have been.
So it was no surprise then on Saturday night to see Kate Thornton open the show milking this for all it was worth. Dressed in an open blouse, black trousers and a belt borrowed from a World Wrestling Federation champion, she cooked up a real drama over whether the twat would actually turn up. Simon came on first, followed by Sharon, but would Louis join them? You could cut the atmosphere with a very blunt rolling pin. Oh my GOD!! Surprise surprise, Louis turned up, saying that the pressure just got too much for him and he had to step out of it for a while. "It was not a publicity stunt" (he's right it wasn't just a pram toy situation)
First up, presumably to get the full horror out of the way as soon as possible, was Chico. For him, last week was "the first time I felt I had every right to be on that stage", showing that while he may lack any discernable talent, his skills in self delusion are more than impressive. Chico decided that the best way to show off his limited vocal range was to struggle his way through Michael Jackson's Billie Jean. "I reckon I was 20% as good as Michael", he rather generously, and unjustifiably proudly, reviewed himself. Once again for this he was joined by a dancing child - are we to think that this tacky stunt is going to be repeated every week from now until he eventually gets booted out of the show, unless someone goes out there and breaks the legs of every child in the country?
Next up were the fabulous Colon Sisters. "I wasn't even sure if they'd turn up or not", mused Simon apathetically on the VT. The girls did Starship's Nothing's Gonna Stop us Now, changing the lyrics from "If this world runs out of lovers" to "If this world runs out of loving", presumably to avoid the incestuous lesbiotic connotations that it might otherwise imply. God the Colons in bed with each other. There's a thought....
"I don't want my dad to be a binman", stated one of Andy's kids during his intro section, despite the fact that being a binman is a far less embarassing occupation than being the X Factor winner. Andy gave us "I Have Nothing by Whitney Houston" and, complete with dramatic false start. "I don't think it was your best performance", said Simon. "Fuck off" said Andy. OK so he didn't but wouldn't it be great if he had??
Then we learn that the reason Louis returned was not contractual or concerned with money. Oh no. In fact, it was because of Shayne, his one remaining act. Shayne is apparantly such a great talent that Louis Walsh didn't want to let him down. As Shayne recounted his reaction to Louis' decision to 'quit' he took the opportunity to indulge in the sort of acting skills which may well be mediocre enough to get him a job on Hollyoaks, should this whole music thing fall through. Also, his mum is called Philomena, which is quite, quite fantastic. Philomena wailed and bubbled perfectly on the VT and didn't make me want to wretch once.
Presumably to show off his falsetto, Shayne this week then gave us a run through of The Darkness' I Believe in a Thing Called Love. It wasn't a good idea. Simon thought it was. "You pulled it off, it should have been a disaster" It was a disaster and the funniest bit was when Shayne went into the audience to do a touchy feely with the girls in the front row, clearly disturbed and unable to look comfortable. Wonder why?
Next up was Brenda, and a copy of Whitney Houston's Greatest Hits has clearly been doing the rounds in the X Factor offices as she gave us I Will Always Love You, though she had slightly more claim to this as apparently it is her and her husband's 'song'. Despite the fact this should clearly have been a vomit inducing spectacle, it was something really rather special. "You've got some balls", (presumably Shayne's) declared Sharon, showing a failure to grasp the fundamentals of human anatomy.
Last, but not least were Journey South, men who would probably wear jeans to a funeral. They continued to work their way through their pub band repertoire with U2's I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. Robson is clearly just miming his guitar now, at one point impressively still strumming away despite the guitar part having dropped out. "You get on with the job", said Simon. And he is right - they looked like two electricians on a stage thumping out a U2 song.
Predictably Chico and The Colon Sisters found themselves in the last two. Chico was up at first and reprised the whole sorry performance, including the dancing boy and the inexplicable "Oh not you again" from Chico.
During the Colon's second shot, the judges could be seen arguing away, rather than actually listening to the song. Sharon sent the Colons home, while Simon, both surprisingly and unsurprisingly, did exactly the same thing. There were tears from one of the Colons, before she somewhat irrelevantly, ranted "I love Ireland, it's the number one country in the world", before going on to thank Louis for being their true mentor throughout the contest. They'll never know - as Louis never got asked for his vote which is just as well (and rather amusing as he sat there having been deprived of his big "dramatic decision" - which was exactly why Simon did what he did)
The surprise act to be given the boot tonight however was the biggest problem of the show to date: "The Judges"
We were told at the end of the show that from next week on it's a true public vote every week. This makes a lot of sense for two reasons. Firstly it means that the judges are now completely castrated - which is the way it should have been all along. You can't be a panel of three judges if you always have two acts aligned to a judge each - it never ever made sense. Maria left the contest prematurely due to this flawed system.
So goodbye Sharon, Louis and Simon - from now on the process is totally democratic. However the real reason that this is happening (I reckon) is that it means Cowell collects the proceeds of two telephone votes because we'll all be making two calls!! I reckon next weeks format will be all acts do a number and the lowest two are announced and then we all vote again as a play off but I could be wrong... We'll just have to wait till next week to find out.
In the meantime I've reset the votes on the right - vote for your elimination now with the sorry candidates who are left...
Labels: X Factor
Have a great weekend!!!! AND BE CAREFUL
Some slush for you. Have a great weekend...
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the
Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions.
Just
read
it straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no
second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause
dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates
are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier?
The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones
with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the
ones that care.
Brideshead Revisited?
Fry was at Queen's College, Cambridge
|
Entertainer Stephen Fry has criticised the "ridiculous sense of elitism" at his alma mater, Cambridge University. Is he right?With alumni including William Wordsworth, Charles Darwin, Sylvia Plath, and Stephen Hawking, Cambridge has earned its reputation as one of the best universities in the world.
But author and Cambridge graduate, Stephen Fry, has attacked its "ridiculous sense of elitism" and says it is full of "idiots who think they are in Brideshead Revisited".
"The best thing about having gone to Cambridge University was never having to deal with not going there," he said after receiving a honorary degree at the city's other higher education institution, Anglia Ruskin University, formerly Anglia Polytechnic.
'Stupid'
"That's the only advantage. Some of the most ineffably stupid people
I've ever met went to Cambridge University, it's no guarantee of anything, it's pretty much a lottery."
Does Fry have a point? For centuries, the university's quadrangles and spires have not only been symbols of academic excellence, but social snobbery.
Julia Simms, a recent graduate, says Cambridge will always attract people with an elitist attitude, but they are in the minority.
"I came from a state school and was concerned about what Cambridge would be like," she says.
Partying Cambridge University style
|
"But there is a real mix of people. You do get students who have had all the advantages in life and been to the best private schools, but you also get people like me.
"Some do treat it like a private members' club, but they would have that attitude wherever they went. They think they are part of an elite long before they come to Cambridge."
But the old perceptions have proved hard to shake off. The "social mix" of people at Oxbridge is still cited as a major concern among state school pupils thinking of applying, according to a recent study commissioned by both Cambridge and Oxford University.
Director of Admissions at Cambridge, Geoff Parks, says there is still a perception that the university is socially elitist, but figures indicate otherwise.
Not your average university campus
|
"Anyone with the ability and motivation can thrive here," he says.
According to admission's figures, 57% of students at Cambridge University are from state schools and 43% from independent schools, excluding overseas students.
"We run many different outreach projects to demystify the workings of Cambridge. Some have been working for years and are not just post Laura Spence."
Miss Spence hit the headlines in 2000 after Chancellor Gordon Brown described her rejection from Oxford University to study medicine as "an absolute scandal".
'Attitude'
A state school student with top exam marks, her rejection prompted a national debate about the admissions procedures at all the country's top universities.
But should getting into Cambridge really matter so much? As Fry says: "Anyone who spends three years and gets a degree is worthy of the same sense of self respect and I'm sure their parents are just as proud."
Do you suffer from University Envy syndrome? Is Stephen Fry Right? Is our society top heavy? More importantly, do you know anyone who went to Oxbridge and now think they are a character from Brideshead Revisited? Please leave your comments - this article is from the BBC website - it's over to you to tell me what you think. I'm going to start off right now.
Album Cover of the Day (Genuine!!!)
Record Sleeve of the Day
For Jonny and Cazza. Koo Stark.
Just because.
Record sleeve of the day
Guest writer Andrew Smith's mid week rant....
Andy has got to go. Why do we have to take any more mediocrity sexed up with a hard luck story?
Brenda is the only decent singer left. The tabloid press are already whipping up a thinly veiled racist, mysogenist attack. "Bad Mum" they have labled her.
So if not Brenda, who's left?
Journey South: Don't laugh but they could win. They would give some credibility to a show that's, let's face it, a total replica of "New Faces" from the early 70s. "Ooh look, one of those boys plays a guitar, just like in a band! Ooh how real! how unreconstructed!"
The Conway Sisters: We had them 20 years ago. They were called the Nolan Sisters. They featured every week on the Two Ronnies. They could sing in tune. Oh yeah and actually we have them now too, they're called the Corrs. True the Conways proved they had a bit of spunk when they decided to ignore the advice of their 'mentor' Simon Cowell, but really girls, do you think the world of pop is crying out for you?
The Colon Sisters - A mixture between the Corrs and the Nolans only Andrew feels they have some "spunk"
Andy : If the point of the show is to pluck a decent karaoke singer from obscurity and give him five minutes of fame before sending him back to PAs in pubs along the south coast, then Andy's your man. Remember Steve from last year?
Chico: End of the pier or Butlins.
Shayne: For a start that's not really a proper name, and that's certainly not the way you spell it. He is pretty, and I'm sure he'd do whatever you wanted in a casting couch type of way to secure that first record deal. But really he's just Gareth Gates mk II without the disabled mouth. In fact he has no sympathy-inducing handicap, unless you count the two pierced ears he sported early on in the competition with those ridiculously large Beckham-esque diamondique studs.
Labels: New Year
Record sleeve of the day
As I am the King of X Factor (and all matters camp) - I have resisted all temptation to make an attempt at indepth analysis of "That Jungle Programme" - I do camp not camp-fires.
However my good friend MARDI BUM is keen to give her opinions on a regular basis for fans of little Ant and Dec and their outback backchat.
Visit her
HERE and be amused on a daily basis!! Bookmark her for God's sake - she's hilarious!!!
Labels: X Factor
For Cazza... I thought you would like this. Click on it for larger image
Record sleeve of the day
X Factor's Watery Grave
So what did you think - Did you agree?? The poll suggested you did - You all accurately evicted Nicholas on the vote page (which has now been reset.)
Results were as follows:
Nicholas (4)
36%
Chico (3)
27%
The Conway Sisters (3)
27%
Journey South (1)
9%
Andy (0)
0%
Brenda (0)
0%
Shayne (0)
0%
Louis' introduction - "He's a young guy, he's called Nicholas" - was a piece of genius in his ever improving library of slick aerudite TV linkage. Afterwards Louis, damning with faint praise stated, "Well a lot of it was in tune."
Nicholas just nodded and kissed Kate a lot smiling and not realising that his adjudication had been quite the worst seen on X factor. If Simon AND Sharon are both in agreement about the "tooning" (even if they both thought Nicholas was FLAT when in fact any truly musical person will confirm to you that he was horrendously SHARP throughout his performance) then you should simply not be there. I'm amazed the guy lasted that long in the competition undetected.
But what about the water incident?? Sharon, my "good fairy" in the pantomime crushed the wicked witch of the west, namely Evil Louis by throwing water all over him and his fake empty laptop (note that there were no health and safety production team members rushing to the stage to get Louis away from impending electrocution. Audience goes mad. They would do that anyway as the audience is so coked up that they would give a standing ovation to one of the Conway Sisters hacking up a fur ball....
Meanwhile I couldn't help wondering how much damage this shenanagans was doing to the show's credibility. Firstly it all seemed staged?? Am I right?? Secondly I am getting really fed up with the judges bickering. The end of X factor last year had a result which it was widely felt depended a lot on the final night showdown between Sharon and Simon. It was felt Steve Brookstein got a sympathy vote for being attacked so vociferiously by Sharon, and that was validated when G4 turned out the selling platinum album, while Steve Brooksteain turned up doing PA's in pubs in tiny villages. I reckon the judges are what will end the success of the show if they are not careful. It's already difficult for me to envisage a third series of this show now as the pantomime is getting just too obvious to be taken seriously.
Boo Hiss!! Kill that evil Louis.
"That was fantastic!", said Simon, though it was unclear if he was referring to the water throwing or the Journey South performance. If it was the latter, he was lying.
By some kind of miracle, underneath a glitter ball - well, standing in front of a projection of one anyway - was Brenda, who went all disco-tastic on us with Donna Summer's Last Dance. It was a little bit throaty in places, but overall she shone, and her ever decreasing boobs shaking at the end helped her to win our hearts. Diet and exercise video next Christmas if nothing else.
As for Shayne - well!! All I can say is that here at Fred and Freds we did notice that there were a couple of shots of Shayne with his shirt off during the into VT....
Take That's A Million Love Songs was his song of choice, and that was perfect as Shayne has to be the gayest speaker in the world. If he isn't gay then I'm an National Irish Team Rugby player and Freddy is Tina Turner.
But then it was CHICO TIME!!!
"You can get delirious, you take life too serious"
"Go Chico, go Chico, go" (literally)
I am leaving it up to you to tell me what you think as I don't want to divide the nation with my views. However, Simon distilled it when he said "Horribly Fantastic"
Yes I do know that it will probably go to number one in the not too distant future (and according to one friend of mine who will remain nameless, so will Peter Andre and Jordan with "A Whole New World from Children in Need which says it all...
Chico's Chicettes got an adjudication seemingly and then to add insult to injury, Chico repeated ad nauseum the lyrics and "message" of his song after his adjudication, so that slow audience members would truly understand what Chico was standing up for tonight.
Not since the invention of "Girl Power" have we had a "concept" so radical. Truly inspirational stuff for me and really gave me a lot to think about. You know I HAVE been feeling slightly delirious recently and now thanks to Chico I think I know why. Certainly food for thought.
Needless to say that Nicholas went and deservedly so. Even the Moggies did a better job than he did. Frankly Sharon's "difficult" decision would have been no less difficult if I had walked on to the stage with two coconut halves strapped around my nipples complete with grass skirt on and sang "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" with the cast from Emmerdale singing backing vocals. I would still have been a classier and more credible act. Nicholas's crass made up hooting second time round was in even more out of "toon" - and with that he was shown his "best bits" and a nation wept as we bade him farewell.
ANYWAY WHO WILL GO NEXT WEEK? VOTE NOW ON THE LEFT - let's get it right this week again!!!
Labels: New Year, rant, X Factor
Tonight from 9.00pm till 2 0'clock in the morning I shall be taking credit card payments from people for
Children in Need in a call centre so get paying up!! You never know you might get to speak to me!!
Susan and her employers are organising the donations so I have volunteered to help out.
Dig Deep!! It's going to be quite a night
Labels: Susan
Record sleeve of the day
Let's talk about Byte
Longer suffering readers of this charming website will be very aware of a certain "lurker" who goes by the name of Byte.
He has had a fairly extensive input into this site it must be said right from the start. His input has at various times ranged from encouraging and incisive right down to rude and hateful - but I like him. I have said on this site before that I like him because he/she says what he thinks and that's the whole point of this. He is able to do this because he hides behind an assumed identity and none of us know who he is. The rest of you have to be nice and polite because you know that I have you all sussed. So far Byte has eluded my detective skills.
UP UNTIL NOW ....
Yesterday Byte accidentally gave away his secret identity.
What do you all think I should do. I'm in a quandary. Do I continue to keep his identity quiet and thereby rob him of his unique ability to speak frankly and honestly with no reservation(which I like) Or do I unmask him and thereby turn him into a simpering sycophant like the rest of my friends??? (I've never forgiven or forgotten that one)
The choice is yours my lovelies. Let me know what I should do in the comments
Byte - be afraid - be very afraid.....
Record sleeve of the day
Andrew Smith's opinion on X Factor
Nicholas has to go. There was one person who didn't hit a single right note last Saturday and that was Nicholas. It was like nails down a blackboard.
Having said that there is no exceptional act this time round in my opinion, unlike last time. Since the demise of Maria last week we are left with one decent singer and that's Brenda, but I don't think she has anything new to offer - there are lots of big black lady singers out there who can belt em out.
The judges are all tone-deaf anyway and are primarilly looking after their own best interests. Last year's competition was rigged so that Simon Cowell's act won, relegating the only unique act to second place. I wouldn't be surprised if one of Simon's woeful acts won this year too.
Labels: New Year, X Factor
Richard has bought a BMW 5 series. Richard we're all mad to hear more about it. Please enlighten us...
Record sleeve of the day
A comment from Andrew Smith
Some of us remember saving up our pocket money and going to buy a cassette tape of "The Kick Inside" from Littlewoods in Cheltenham High Street in 1978! This is how it happened:
1978 was the year I discovered Kate Bush. I remember hearing this weird voice and watching this even weirder dancing one morning on Noel Edmund's "Multi-Coloured Swap Shop". I was quite surprised that my dad, normally a Maria Callas fan, liked her voice and I soon got into it too and bought her first album, "The Kick Inside". At the time, I just had a top-loading mono cassette player and my dad wouldn't let me or my brother anywhere near his hi-fi, and of course tapes didn't come with the words. I loved Kate Bush's voice, but couldn't understand a word of what she was going on about, so I wrote to EMI and asked them to send me the lyrics, but they wouldn't. Bastards.
Andrew Smith
I'd like to encourage you all to post comments.
You see this is a lonely business putting things up on a website. You can get really paranoid that no-one is reading it - yet when I check the logs I see you do all visit and read the site regularly. I'd like you to GET INVOLVED a bit!! Your comments cheer me up and make doing this all seem worthwhile. There are people out there who regularly read yet NEVER comment. (Lynda, Jenny, Philip, Jonny I, Shazza, Cazza, Sandybabes, Gillian P and many many more)Remember, It'sYOUR BBC.... Labels: jenny
I'm an ex Eastender with no tangible career prospects!! Get me into there!!! (fee negotiable)
The 10 names heading into the jungle for the fifth instalment of I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! have been announced.
Two former EastEnders actors Elaine Lordan, 39, and Sid Owen, 33, will join Kimberley Davies, 32, who played Annalise Hartman in Neighbours, and ex-Emmerdale star Sheree Murphy, 30 in the Australian jungle.
Ex-Atomic Kitten singer Jenny Frost, 27, and the wine expert Jilly Goolden, 48, are also taking the trip Down Under.
Journalist Carol Thatcher, 52, has confessed that she has not even told her mother, former Prime Minister Lady Thatcher, that she's about to star in the ITV reality show.
Ex-Blue singer Antony Costa, 24, entertainer Jimmy Osmond, 42, antiques expert David Dickinson, 64, have also signed up for the ratings-winner.
The celebrities are already said to be at each other's throats over pay deals for appearing on the two-week show, with Frost reported to be receiving £100,000 - four times the payments to some of the other contestants.
Labels: jenny
Wednesday's Quiz
If it were two hours later, it would be half as long until midnight as it would be if it were an hour later. What time is it?
Madonna's new album. That's the end of the album reviews apart from Will Young next week. You should all buy the Madge album - it's fabulous...
This review is courtesy of BBCMadonna has headed back to the disco for her new album, Confessions on a Dancefloor, which was released in the UK on Monday. It has earned her some of the best reviews of her 22-year career.
In stark contrast to 2003's introspective American Life album, she has dusted off her glitterball, strapped on her pink stilettos and sampled Abba on latest hit single Hung Up.
Madonna embraced New York club culture in the early 1980sHas Madonna reinvigorated her music career, or is she merely throwing one final dance party for her long-term fans before settling down to record more sedate material?
"Dance music fans may be unconvinced by Madonna's new image as it no longer reflects her real life," says DJ magazine's features editor Carl Loben.
"Madonna embraced the early stages of New York club culture in the 1980s but I doubt she has been into a club for years."
However, Mr Loben says Madonna was very astute to work on her new album with Stuart Price, the respected producer and remixer behind dance acts Les Rythmes Digitales and Zoot Woman.
The fact that Madonna is releasing a second continuous DJ mix version of Confessions on a Dancefloor will also appeal to dance music fans, Mr Loben says.
"Clubbers are generally open to any music as long as it sounds good on the dancefloor."
Ian Eddy, Smash HitsWhile clubbers are relatively unconcerned by the age of an artist, Madonna has been permanently ousted from the cover of Smash Hits magazine by acts such as teen stars McFly and Son of Dork.
Staff writer Ian Eddy says teenage music fans judge Madonna on a song-by-song basis.
"Pop fans are a bit fickle," he says. "If her next single is a bit of a dud they won't bother with it."
Smash Hits readers were divided in their opinion of Madonna's promo video for her single Hung Up, in which the 47-year-old contorts herself in a pink leotard and flirts with young dancers.
"A lot of our readers are saying Madonna has still got it, that she is still youthful," says Mr Eddy, "but some say she should grow old a bit more gracefully."
Young pop stars may cite Madonna as a music or fashion influence, but teenage music fans "just don't have the same affection for her as people in their 30s do".
Madonna's most loyal fan group has been gay men, which gay magazine Axm attributes to her eye for fashion and music trends, and her ever-changing image.
"Many gay people want to break away from their past, and every six months Madonna goes into a cocoon then emerges as a new butterfly," says Axm editor Matt Miles.
She strengthened her gay and lesbian fanbase by challenging sexual and religious convention in promo videos such as Like A Prayer and Justify My Love, suggestive live performances and 1992's explicit Sex photo book.
"Madonna's gay audience has always been very forgiving, perhaps too forgiving," says Mr Miles. "It would take an awful lot to put gay men off her."
Mr Miles says it is understandable why Madonna would want to "throw herself back into the gay bosom" with a new hi-energy album, after the relative failure of American Life.
"Why not? It doesn't seem too cynical, and it worked for Kylie Minogue. It is as if Madonna is sampling the 1980s but making it better."
Gay fans believe Madonna's career will match the longevity of that other iconic US singer, Cher. If her songs match her ambition, she may also retain her revived mainstream audience.
Mr Eddy says: "Madonna really thinks of herself as young. I can't see her sticking to dance music but she could easily come back in a few years with something fresh."
"Madonna may return to the slower beats of her Ray of Light album or move into torch songs," adds Mr Miles. "She would probably like to turn herself into a cartoon, and is kicking herself that Gorillaz got there first."
He concludes: "She is pushing 50 and still looks great. I wouldn't put it past her to be swinging off a trapeze at the age of 60."
Labels: New Year, photos, video
Kate Bush
Has it really been 12 years since the last Kate Bush album? Apparently. Going further back, it's hard to believe that Hounds of Love appeared in 1985. I remember listening to this track on a Now that's what I call Music album and thinking it was fantastic. The reminder of older age notwitstanding (recently hearing a cover version of this song by a grungy british band called The Futureheads) I love this song.
With it, and with hits from it such as Running Up That Hill the queen of bohemia stamped her name on the sound of a decade. And now we're in 2005 and Kate Bush has released Aerial, a double CD. The first disc, A Sea Of Honey, is a personal and public collection of songs. The second disc, A Sky of Honey, is an attempt to capture the beauty of a summer day in music. The sun rises, a painter appears, Kate Bush sings in tune with the birds. Pitch perfect.
The opening song, King of the Mountain, is a loving tribute to Elvis:
Another Hollywood waitress
Is telling us she's having your baby
And there's a rumour that you're on ice
And you will rise again someday
And that there's a photograph
Where you're dancing on your grave
Best of all is Joanni, a very un-PC tribute to a fighting saint
Joanni, Joanni wears a golden cross
And she looks so beautiful in her armour
Joanni, Joanni blows a kiss to God
And she never wears a ring on her finger
All the cannon are firing
And the swords are clashing
And the horses are charging
And the flags are flying
And the battle is raging
And the bells, the bells are ringing
Kate Bush. People either love her or they don't. There's no middle ground. Pretentious in places, sagely wise in others, she's older, wiser and better than ever. Buy this album and listen to it.. For years and years. You'll never get tired of it and you will still listen to it in 20 years - guaranteed.
Labels: Dancing on Ice
Record sleeve of the day
Oh my God people!! The more intelligent amongst us realise that the X Factor is just pantomime but let's run with the notion that this thing IS an actual talent show.
It's still the same glitzy campery that it's always been, but there is something about the immense cruelty, the "Car-Crash Factor" of the X-Factor that means we have to watch it. Fred and I are hooked, and I know so many more of our friends who are also hooked - intelligent people who abandon their various sophistications in life for an hour and a half of pure pulp on a Saturday night.
It's true that the early stages are much more entertaining than the live shows. It's also true that every week in the early stages of the live shows has been fairly predictable... Until, it must be said, that the lovely Maria came up against the Conway Sisters.
And so a "poor choice of song" (Brown Sugar by the Rolling Stones) meant that lovely sexy beautiful classy and most importantly, note perfect Maria came up against (by comparison) four screetching moggies from Ireland. Now I am sure that the Conway Sisters "Have so much more to offer" and "You haven't seen the best of us yet", as they ventured almost apologetically after the show to Ben (yum) Sheppard after the shock result, but these women have, lets face it, no commercial worth at all. They are useless to any record company because no-one - even the great Simon Cowell - has the faintest clue what to do with them.
Maria was by far the better artist and by far the best looking commercial prospect which leaves me thinking that she has probably in her "we was robbed" elimination circumstance, secured a fantastic future in the industry. The public will always see her as the talented one who got her crown stood on.
As for Louis Walsh, well he needs his "head felt" as we would say here in Belfast. My own theory is that he saw an opportunity to eliminate a heavyweight "Sharon" contestant which lets face it may be his only chance of gaining a finalist. That's the only plausible reason I can think of for kicking out Maria in favour of the Nolans. If he really was playing the "Irish Card" then he's a bigger babbling giggling tit than I thought and quite how he is so successful with his "Boyzone Westlife Girls Aloud" brand is beyond me.
He certainly looked under pressure as he squirmed and wriggled in his little seat as the studio audience booed and hissed at his decision. He reminded me of how Kermit the frog looked when he had upset Miss Piggy in The Muppets. Gulp!!!
Whatever way you look at it, the two ugly judges have knocked Maria out for no reason other than politics. However the ratings will now soar. It just got unpredictable and I'm cancelling all my Saturday engagements right up until Christmas...
Let the Pantomime continue...."Boo! It's behind you."
(You can eliminate your least favourite contestant by joining in our web poll on the right, The votes have been reset today so get voting for this week's elimination. Results published at the end of the week. Also please leave a comment on the results page as to why you have chosen to eliminate this person)Labels: X Factor
If you are NOT easily offended, click HERE
Today's Puzzler
Alexander was 20 years old in 1980, but only 15 years old in 1985. How is this possible?Post your answer in comments!!
Lionel Richtea
Hello?? Is it tea you're looking for???
Record sleeve of the day
Oooooooh my God it's nearly X factor time again!!!
Tomorrow night, another X Factor contestant will be eliminated from the show, straight back in to the loving arms of sweet anonymity. But who will it be?
This week, the X Factor elimination is pretty much a two-horse race, or a five-horse race if you count each member of The Conway Sisters as an individual horse. Although tomorrow's X Factor elimination is almost certainly going to be between the Sisters and Chico, it might just be worth bracing yourself for a surprise...
Journey South - Personally I hope they go down the busking route a little more tomorrow and come onstage stinking of Special Brew, trying to play the theme tune to The Simpsons on a battered old out-of-tune guitar with only one string and then passing out, mumbling indiscriminate insults. Then I'd vote for them.
Andy Abraham - Perhaps it was a mistake to get him to sing such a huge song in the first week - everything that followed has seemed like a disappointment. Andy needs to come out with a monster of a showstopper to cement his X Factor status this week. And also it would be nice if he stopped thanking all his "fans." That's just a bit creepy.
Shayne Ward - Invincible Shayne has fallen down the popularity rankings for the first time in weeks. Who knows why? Maybe it was because he sang such a dreadfully boring song last week, or maybe everyone is getting fed up of being told what a singing genius he is. But this week he's bound to correct his flaws by belting out an all-singing, all-dancing modern pop number like, um, Smooth Criminal or something.
Brenda Edwards - I think the British population are starting to accept that image is not the defining factor they should look for in a pop star, and that Brenda's voice is the important thing. Or maybe it's just because Brenda isn't such a fat bitch anymore. Who knows?
Maria Lawson - Maria, on the other hand, is closer to elimination that she has ever been. I blame James Blunt, naturally - although she sang You're Beautiful very well last week, it's still one of most pants songs ever written. Actually, if she's sung another song I have still blamed James Blunt. We just like blaming him for stuff. James Blunt. Blunt..... Blunt.....
Nicholas Dorsett - Now we're into the X Factor contestants that may feasibly get the chop tomorrow. Although Nicholas performed abominably last week, he probably didn't deserve to be put up for elimination. But since he was, the nation will be looking at him with critical eyes tomorrow. Unless he does something very very special. Which he probably won't.
Chico Slimari - Chico is now the perennial favourite for eviction. Even if he delivered a spot on version of Nessun Dorma that left everyone watching in tears, he'd probably still be put up for elimination. He won't sing Nessun Dorma, though. He'll shriek some crappy old godforsaken song and shout "It's Chico time!" a billion times instead. Don't write Chico off, though. He's survived this far.
The Conway Sisters - I'm now convinced that the only thing keeping the Conway Sisters in X Factor is the weight of the Irish vote. The only people that could possibly still be voting for such a useless set of gormless singers are people who feel a tiny amount of national pride for them. The Conway Sisters are so bad that they make me want to cry. But, with an entire country voting for them, I can't help feeling that they won't go tomorrow, no matter how bad they are.
As for you guys, here is the result of your poll.
Chico (6)
43%
Nicholas (5)
36%
Andy (1)
7%
The Conway Sisters (1)
7%
Journey South (1)
7%
Shayne (0)
0%
Maria (0)
0%
Brenda (0)
0%
YOU seem to want Chico out. Let's see if you are right....ON SATURDAY NIGHT!!! I'm bringing in a couple of tins of Diamond White and 20 Mayfair Blue for me and Freddy to guzzle on the settee with our dear friends Richard and Judy.
In the meantime have a great weekend....
Labels: X Factor
Record sleeve of the day
Bonus Question
How much soil is there in a circular hole 2 metres deep and 1 metre across?
Friday's puzzler
What are the next three letters in this sequence:
HDD
TMRU
TCTCSO
TMRD
Record sleeve of the day
Picture of the Day
If you are in any doubt about your friends, here is a handy image that you can print, cut out and send to them. It's a nice friendly way of finding out if they are a taig or not.
Thursday's question
After teaching his class all about roman numerals (X = 10, IX=9 and so on), the teacher asked his class to draw a single, continuous line and turn IX into 6. The only stipulation the teacher made was that the pen could not be lifted from the paper until the line was complete. How did they do it?Answer in comments (Here)!! You can now put your answer in live - no need to e-mail me it. It will not appear until 5 o'clock though....FRED
For The Ladies
FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
Click HERE for the Male Prayer
WEDNESDAY'S QUESTION
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Picture of the day
Picture of the day.
I'm so selfless!!
