I've quit my job!!!
I decided on Saturday afternoon at about 6.00 that enough is enough. So I have SENSATIONALLY QUIT!!! I can't take it any more. I'm not putting up with it - it's over.On Sunday evening at about 9.00 at night however I'm going to SENSATIONALLY REJOIN the payroll of my employer and they can buy me flowers and lick my face and tell me how delighted they are that I'm back!!!
Oh how we missed Louis Walsh when he QUIT. It was an abomination, a travesty, an outrage. Small children were crying in the street. Not since the breakup of the Spice Girls did we as a nation join so unanimously in grief for what could have been.
So it was no surprise then on Saturday night to see Kate Thornton open the show milking this for all it was worth. Dressed in an open blouse, black trousers and a belt borrowed from a World Wrestling Federation champion, she cooked up a real drama over whether the twat would actually turn up. Simon came on first, followed by Sharon, but would Louis join them? You could cut the atmosphere with a very blunt rolling pin. Oh my GOD!! Surprise surprise, Louis turned up, saying that the pressure just got too much for him and he had to step out of it for a while. "It was not a publicity stunt" (he's right it wasn't just a pram toy situation)
First up, presumably to get the full horror out of the way as soon as possible, was Chico. For him, last week was "the first time I felt I had every right to be on that stage", showing that while he may lack any discernable talent, his skills in self delusion are more than impressive. Chico decided that the best way to show off his limited vocal range was to struggle his way through Michael Jackson's Billie Jean. "I reckon I was 20% as good as Michael", he rather generously, and unjustifiably proudly, reviewed himself. Once again for this he was joined by a dancing child - are we to think that this tacky stunt is going to be repeated every week from now until he eventually gets booted out of the show, unless someone goes out there and breaks the legs of every child in the country?
Next up were the fabulous Colon Sisters. "I wasn't even sure if they'd turn up or not", mused Simon apathetically on the VT. The girls did Starship's Nothing's Gonna Stop us Now, changing the lyrics from "If this world runs out of lovers" to "If this world runs out of loving", presumably to avoid the incestuous lesbiotic connotations that it might otherwise imply. God the Colons in bed with each other. There's a thought....
"I don't want my dad to be a binman", stated one of Andy's kids during his intro section, despite the fact that being a binman is a far less embarassing occupation than being the X Factor winner. Andy gave us "I Have Nothing by Whitney Houston" and, complete with dramatic false start. "I don't think it was your best performance", said Simon. "Fuck off" said Andy. OK so he didn't but wouldn't it be great if he had??
Then we learn that the reason Louis returned was not contractual or concerned with money. Oh no. In fact, it was because of Shayne, his one remaining act. Shayne is apparantly such a great talent that Louis Walsh didn't want to let him down. As Shayne recounted his reaction to Louis' decision to 'quit' he took the opportunity to indulge in the sort of acting skills which may well be mediocre enough to get him a job on Hollyoaks, should this whole music thing fall through. Also, his mum is called Philomena, which is quite, quite fantastic. Philomena wailed and bubbled perfectly on the VT and didn't make me want to wretch once.
Presumably to show off his falsetto, Shayne this week then gave us a run through of The Darkness' I Believe in a Thing Called Love. It wasn't a good idea. Simon thought it was. "You pulled it off, it should have been a disaster" It was a disaster and the funniest bit was when Shayne went into the audience to do a touchy feely with the girls in the front row, clearly disturbed and unable to look comfortable. Wonder why?
Next up was Brenda, and a copy of Whitney Houston's Greatest Hits has clearly been doing the rounds in the X Factor offices as she gave us I Will Always Love You, though she had slightly more claim to this as apparently it is her and her husband's 'song'. Despite the fact this should clearly have been a vomit inducing spectacle, it was something really rather special. "You've got some balls", (presumably Shayne's) declared Sharon, showing a failure to grasp the fundamentals of human anatomy.
Last, but not least were Journey South, men who would probably wear jeans to a funeral. They continued to work their way through their pub band repertoire with U2's I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. Robson is clearly just miming his guitar now, at one point impressively still strumming away despite the guitar part having dropped out. "You get on with the job", said Simon. And he is right - they looked like two electricians on a stage thumping out a U2 song.
Predictably Chico and The Colon Sisters found themselves in the last two. Chico was up at first and reprised the whole sorry performance, including the dancing boy and the inexplicable "Oh not you again" from Chico.
During the Colon's second shot, the judges could be seen arguing away, rather than actually listening to the song. Sharon sent the Colons home, while Simon, both surprisingly and unsurprisingly, did exactly the same thing. There were tears from one of the Colons, before she somewhat irrelevantly, ranted "I love Ireland, it's the number one country in the world", before going on to thank Louis for being their true mentor throughout the contest. They'll never know - as Louis never got asked for his vote which is just as well (and rather amusing as he sat there having been deprived of his big "dramatic decision" - which was exactly why Simon did what he did)
The surprise act to be given the boot tonight however was the biggest problem of the show to date: "The Judges"
We were told at the end of the show that from next week on it's a true public vote every week. This makes a lot of sense for two reasons. Firstly it means that the judges are now completely castrated - which is the way it should have been all along. You can't be a panel of three judges if you always have two acts aligned to a judge each - it never ever made sense. Maria left the contest prematurely due to this flawed system.
So goodbye Sharon, Louis and Simon - from now on the process is totally democratic. However the real reason that this is happening (I reckon) is that it means Cowell collects the proceeds of two telephone votes because we'll all be making two calls!! I reckon next weeks format will be all acts do a number and the lowest two are announced and then we all vote again as a play off but I could be wrong... We'll just have to wait till next week to find out.
In the meantime I've reset the votes on the right - vote for your elimination now with the sorry candidates who are left...
Labels: X Factor
posted by Freddy @ Sunday, November 27, 2005
Comments: 0
