Fred'sNotDead: May 2006

Barcelona 2006 Part One

Would you like to see Part Two??

Gentlemen? Are you actually gay?

IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION.
HERE ARE (8) NEED TO KNOW FACTS:

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming momo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, Snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim "and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous momosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out, too.

Amir's Laptop

Anyone who needs a bit of a laugh this Friday afternoon should look no further than HERE. It's self explanatory. You should also read the comments on this site as that's where the real story is...

I feel incredibly sorry for Shabaz - discuss.

Big Brother Link

In case you were not already aware of this site, this place is great for Big Brother gossip....

Labels: Big Brother

Heather had always been good at "Twister"

Mills / McCartney split

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills- McCartney.

Mrs Mills- McCartney is said to be distraught over the split "He has
been my crutch for so long!!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have
no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped"

She's reported to be making frantic efforts to keep the split as civil
as possible

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she
will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out
on a relationship like this"

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing
a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and
subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been signed it
is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have
been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get
her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said "he would get
home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new prosthetic leg
for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift was a
plane but then he gave her a Ladyshave for the other leg.

Big Bother!!

No doubt you feel, as I do that the company we'll be keeping this summer is dubious indeed.

Last night 14 "average" brits walked into a large television studio in xxxxxxx which they will not leave for xxxx weeks.

While they are there they will be subjected to trickery, pschychological mind games and physical tests that would have most "average" brits reduced to a crumpled mess on the floor and screaming for their mummies.

But not this lot.... This lot seem well up for it and I cannot see most of them being ruffled by anything.

Firstly we have the lovely Shahbaz. Clearly he has tried to form himself into an ethnic version of a character called "Sebastian Flight" from "The High Life" played by Alan Cummings. This morning Shahbaz was humming away to himself (in a Scottish accent of course) as he cleared up the kitchen (at 7.30 in the morning)
"These dishes won't clear themselves away" he camped as he ran around the kitchen on his tiptoes trying to look all lightfooted and waif-like. Shazbah could very well be one of the first to go - he's easily the most irritating.

Then we have George. George is clearly the eye candy for the teenage girl demographic, a heated up version of Prince William who claims to be living off his aristocratic father and has regular sorties with Princess Eugenia. Handsome but probably dull as lavender water. He also seems to have a wee selfish intolerant streak and my prediction is that he will be exposed for that.

Bursting onto our screns we then have Lea who is a model. She used to be 22 stone and then lost all her weight. It seems she forgot to lose weight from her enormous TA TA's which are aparently the largest in the universe. Gary from our work mentioned that he thought they were a 30m size... She's doing it for her kids who presumably need the prize money to pay for surgery to de-stretch their mouths after horrendous breast feeding related injuries.

Mikey seems to generate swoons from the female demographic. Everyone in work here seems to fancy him so he'll probably win or at least be a runner up. He looks exactly like Vernon Kay only with brown eyes I think.

Bonnie (or Bona) is the same character as Leslie (or Lesla) from last year. First in. Probably first out. Muttered something about telling Davina McCall to flick her bean which Davina duly did on screen, putting an end to Davina's agent's negotiations with Nescafe.

Dawn is an extra from "Lion King" on broadway. She plays Mumba Fassa in act one and is a dancing herd of gazelles in act two.

Glyn is a young naked welsh lifeguard - you know the type.

Pete is my favourite. He reminded me of Keyop from Battle of the Planets. Having Tourettes apparantly means that you run around like a cokehead making bleeping noises and saying "wanker" under your breath whenever you think no-one will notice. A sure favourite to win. If you look closesly he's actually very good looking - he just never really stays still enough for anyone to realise. Also Pete was responsible for the first great quote. On Lea's entrance she complained about being booed, "They all think I'm just blonde and have big tits or something." she mused.
"But you ARE blonde and you HAVE got big tits" replied a confused Pete.

And what about Imogen then. The gentlemen will be watching her with great interest no doubt. The only one in the house that I would deem anything close to anyone I've actually met in real life (and in real time)

Nikki - She thinks she's "special......special." She isn't. Her waterproof mascara seems to be her "thing2 - she can think of little else. Lovely arse - shame she talks out of it all the time.

Lisa - In Lisa's photo she looks like she is having an enormous poo. That's all I know about her. She is chinese and everytime I see her I expect her to talk in a chinese restaurant accent - a la "sparkaming minimum wata for you saa!" type way. Instead of which she talks in a broad mancunian accent that makes the Gallagher brothers sound plummy - everything is "proper mint" and "Y'araaaaaight???"

Richard - Right Said Fred lookalike. Says he's a man hunter. He scares the pants off me - He's an UBER gay. Not as gay as Shazbah though

Sezer - looks a bit like a horse - has a very interesting torso though...

Grace - Dolly bird, nothing much interesting about her - clone of Nikki. Maybe I'll warm to her.

What do YOU think of them all?? Who do you like? who do you hate? Let's spark of a lively debate!!!

Labels: photos, richard

The finest double entendres on British TV & Radio...

Sent in by Fredsgonered's innuendo correspondent...

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's just
come in his shorts.

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by
himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World superbike racing:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Rubens Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:
"There's something big growing between my legs."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator:
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator:
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

I'm so excited!!!!!

Susan's Jim

This from Seuuuusan:

So what is a Jim?

A Jim is a magnificent thing that gives me great pleasure.

Richard has a really good one. As a result, he plays with it a lot - he says that he gets the job done better himself - I don't know what he means by this!?!?!

Anyone want to guess who Jim is??

Labels: richard

A Swan!!

Click HERE to see a lovely sketch about swans.

Mr and Mrs

A big hello to Richard and Susan today who are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary on Saturday night. Perhaps Richard or Susan could tell us how they are planning to celebrate their big night??

Susan is very grateful to her husband who has been "her rock" during her golden years. He cuts up all her food for her and gets the house cleaned up ready for the "home help" Martinez who comes on a Tuesday.

"Richard always has a twinkle in his eye when he brings me my digestive biscuit and a cup of tea while I'm sitting on the sofa watching that nice Jeremy Kyle. I'm not as young as I used to be, so I'm really lucky to have Richard to wipe up my saliva!!"

Richard says he dotes on his wife Susan.

"Without her to guide me I would be lost. Literally. You see since my eyesight went a few years ago I can't find my way from pillar to post and so my dear wife Susan keeps me from bumping into things."

It's a lovely story ladies and gentlemen I think you will agree, let's have a big round of applause for Richard and Susan!!

God bless you both!!

Labels: richard, Susan

Pathetic....

Is that it on the limerick front? One Limerick from me and one from Smithy?

I see one of you tried the limerick generator but frankly failed miserably. You and I both know who you are Mr Kebab....

Come on then let's have a decent limerick. If you can't write it yourselves then get someone cleverer than you to write it instead!!

Labels: limericks, smithy

Message from Leanne in Dunmurry!!

Beka (left) and Leanne (right)

I'll let LEANNE explain::

Heeeeeeellllllllllooooooo everyone :-) We are Leanne and Beka!! We did a charity boat race for Childline on the 30th April & had to dress up in 80's gear... So we picked punk!!! ha ha Well if thats what ya wanna call it...

Anyone else want to e-mail me their picture and a message to everyone??

Limerick Competition

Some of the more observant amongst you may have noticed that I was challenged to a limerick yesterday by SMITHY. Here was my attempt for those who missed it.

David Blaine thought he'd try out a stunt
A world record he thought he'd confront
But the soggy magician
made a glaring ommission:
You can't breathe in air from your c***...

Do we think the Church of Ireland would approve of this limerick?

Feel free to write a limerick about David Blaine and I'll publish it for you - start it with "David Blaine thought he'd try out a stunt" - It's more fun writing them than reading them I promise you!!

Labels: limericks, smithy

Who are you??

Some of you have been asking me - who exactly has password access to fredsgonered now?

Here is the list - feel free to leave a comment saying hello!!

Lisa in NZ
Andrew in Holywood
Mr Hutton
Alan in Edinburgh
Clair with the hair
Ed (or Eddie to his teachers)
Fiona Henrietta
Mrs Porter
Jonny Diageo
Jenny the golden alto
Katrina My Sister
Our Lynder
Leanne in Dunmurry
Little Philip (Is it me??)
Richard the Organist
Sueeesan
Other Fred

That's it - that's all there is on here !!!

So come on let's hear you!!! Say hello to each other and let's bond!!

Labels: Ed, jenny, lynder, Mr Hutton, richard

Especially for Lisa!

Labels: Lisa

Superman!!!!

I've told you before about Superman Returns!! I'm so excited about it - I loved Superman as a child. I used to have a red cape and I used to run around in it all the time pretending I could fly.

Anyway here is the trailer - now you can get excited with me!!!

Joke

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?
A. Wiped his arse.

Labels: Joke

What if....

THIS ARTICLE gave me an idea. Instead of our annual trip to Barcelona, why don't we all go naked in Dorset?

Or even better find a nudest holiday in Majorca???

Food for thought...

I can imagine Susan and Lynder playing naked volleyball with me and Alan Hutton without a care in the world!!!

Labels: barcelona, lynder, Mr Hutton, Susan

Melisma

Melisma performed a short concert last night as part of a lecture in Jordanstown University. The entire affair lasted around 30 minutes - we should do more gig's like this don't you think??!!

Thanks to Philip and Jenny for organising the event and special thanks to Jenny for again pleasuring us all with her silver and gold flute!!!

Labels: jenny, melisma

Dick of the Day

As predicted - what a silly man.

Monday's Naughty Quickie

Now that we know we are all alone I'd like you to tell me and the group a bit about yourself.....
I'm going to launch our new regular feature - "The Naughty Quickie".

So today's "Naughty Quickie" is:

"Have you ever had a "quickie" with someone who was very loud in bed, and if so did you join in loudly?"

Answer below by clicking comment - you don't have to leave your name...

(Today's naughty quickie was sponsored by NAKED OPERA, the above logo was designed my SMITHY )

Labels: smithy

Oh there you are!!!

So you've found me then???

That must be because I know you and trust you and love you!!

This site was compromised by someone I don't know who found my site and worked out who I was. This connected "gay issues" (apparantly) with my church and noone wants that particularly so I have gone all anonymous!!

If you have found your way here it's probably because I have given you the new password. Keep it to yourself. this site is now officially a private members only area!!
To celebrate this, here is a picture for you...

Big Brother Quiz

At this time of the year it is perhaps useful to review events of last year's Big Brother in order to decide how relevant it all is. This helps us to take a call on how commited we will be this year in our viewing habits.

Last years Big Brother was hailed as the BEST EVER and I'm sure you like me enjoyed it and got hooked.

How much then do you remember about the most significant TV event last summer?

Here's a quiz. Without cheating or looking it up can you tell me if you know who came first second and third?? Dead easy isn't it? Isn't it? If you know Put in a comment saying "I know!!" NO CHEATING!!

Labels: Big Brother

Newsflash!!

OH MY GOD!!

Big Brother 7 (UK) starts on the 18th May which is now less than two weeks away!!

I'm excited.

Susan's excited.

I know Philip will be excited.

Jonny Diageo loves a bit of Big Brother (if only for a deep seeded interest in the ladies' baps)

Mr Hutton I suspect is probably a bit of a closet fan - that's if he's not too involved with his Wimbledon commitments.

I know Freddy will be getting the Sky Plus ready for a blitz.

Andrew pretends he doesn't like it cos it's too low brow for him, but secretly he's up all night watching the live feed on E4 in case someone show's their bazooka's...

Rswipe is probably assembling pictures as we speak so he can present an alternative angle on the "event

Anyone else to be added to this list????

How excited are you??? You decide!!!!!

Labels: Big Brother, Mr Hutton

Chill out!!!

Having a stressful day? Sit back close your eyes turn your sound up and click this link

Request

Has anyone got a spare heavy boulder and a rope?

Fred'sNotDead

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Barcelona 2006 Part One

Gentlemen? Are you actually gay?

Friday, May 26, 2006

Amir's Laptop

Thursday, May 25, 2006

I feel incredibly sorry for Shabaz - discuss.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Big Brother Link

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Heather had always been good at "Twister"

Friday, May 19, 2006

Mills / McCartney split

Big Bother!!

The finest double entendres on British TV & Radio...

Thursday, May 18, 2006

I'm so excited!!!!!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Susan's Jim

A Swan!!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Mr and Mrs

Pathetic....

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Message from Leanne in Dunmurry!!

Limerick Competition

Who are you??

Especially for Lisa!

Superman!!!!

Joke

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

What if....

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Melisma

Dick of the Day

Monday, May 08, 2006

Monday's Naughty Quickie

Oh there you are!!!

Friday, May 05, 2006

Big Brother Quiz

Newsflash!!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Chill out!!!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Request

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