A lovely letter from a new listener!!
Hi Fred,
I am an avid fan of your website and have been for the past 15 mins. It enlightens me everytime I read it - really no joke!
I especially like the way you use colour and slight humour throughout your pieces.
A suggestion for a website for your followers to view is
http://www.ratemypoo.comWARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE OF A FAINT DISPOSITION AND/OR CONSTIPATED !!
Wee joke - ok it's old but it's great!!
3 nuns die in a car crash.
St. Peter meets them at the gates saying 'girls, really sorry you have joined us so early, but we are a bit full at the minute. I need to ask you a question each - if you get it right, you can walk through the pearly gates'
Fair enough chant the nuns in unison.
Peter asks the first nun, 'Who was the 1st woman on earth?'
'Why that would be Eve' she says triumphantly.
'You are right - The Kingdom is yours'. Turning to the 2nd nun, Peter asks ' your question is where did Eve live?'
The nun answers 'That's easy, The Garden of Eden'
'Absolutely, in you go' says St. Peter
Turning to the Mother Superior, St. Peter says, 'due to your rank and superiority I will have to ask you a more difficult question. What was the 1st thing Eve said to Adam?'
'Oh that's a hard one' replies Mother Superior.
'CORRECT IN YOU GO!'
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
Thank you for teaching me to look beyond the light of the train coming towards me..............................
Yours,
T
© 2006 Fredordead
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Katrina's joke for today
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go!"
© 2006 Fredordead
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Mr Hutton's Joke of the day
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends £5000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the man behind the counter,
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32,"
came the reply.
"I'm exactly 47,"
the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the staff lady the very same question. She replies,
"I guess about 29."
"Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a greengrocer on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some bananas and asks the man this burning question. The clerk responds,
"Oh, I'd say about 30."
Again she proudly responds,
"I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies,
"Madam, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out,
"What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra, closes his eyes and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay,...how old am I?"
"Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says,
"That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man replies,
"Promise you won't get annoyed?"
"Yes, I promise,"
"I was behind you in the queue at McDonald's."
© 2006 Fredordead
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Today's Terrible Joke
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God,"
said an elderly nun at the back.
"I'm so tired of chardonnay."
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Richard's Joke of the day
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES YES, I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"
The other answered,
"I don't know I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORYNot all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men,
are men.Vote for Freddy every visit!! Click Here!!Email FredLabels: Joke
Mr Hutton's Joke of the Day....
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
"Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!"
"If I go down, I go down in flames!" Vote for Freddy every visit!! Click Here!!Email FredLabels: Joke, Mr Hutton
DEO !! DEO!!
This is a bit of an "In - Joke" so apologies to anyone who does not surround themselves in church music in the sad way I do.
If you are on the other hand up for a choral rib tickler, then look no further than
HERE
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Joke of the day!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
Labels: Joke
Joke of the Day!
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar
immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1- The bartender is a blonde girl.
2- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?" the blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, Nah.
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!
Labels: Joke
Joke
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?
A. Wiped his arse.
Labels: Joke
Lynda's Joke of the day!!
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff.... dad.... I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad.... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother this gold Rolex and for ye daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff.... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus!.... Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a big hug!"
Thanks Lynder for that!!
Labels: Big Brother, Joke, lynder
Shania Twain
To explain this joke to our international customers, The man speaking is in fact Mr Jonathon Ross, a well known British presenter who is unable to say his "R"s. Thanks to Katrina for this little chuckler....
Labels: Joke
Announcement from Ikea
Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, Ikea have just released their new range of LESBIAN "MARRIED COUPLE" BEDS to coincide with the amended gay marraiges law in the UK. There's no screwing involved, it's just tongue and groove!!!Badoom Shish!!This joke was submitted by Andrew Smith of West HolywoodLabels: Joke
Wee joke...
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'
OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands Finally, the President looks up and asks..........
''How many is a Brazillion ??!'
Labels: Joke
