It's all kicking off...
Sorry this is late - I had intended to talk about X factor before now but what with Smithy's party over the weekend I have not had time. But we really need to start getting hyped up about this programme as I believe it really has kicked off big time this year... up until Sat night it was a little stale - and suddenly "BAM" !! It got all exciting... or did it?Remember before the live X Factor shows started, when there was a lot of talk about everything being completely different on X Factor this year? Well on Saturday night, everything was different. Everything!!!
And by 'everything' we mean that Lionel Richie showed his big smug face for about eight seconds and read out too much information from a card before being silenced by Kate...
Simon Cowell now has his shirt unbuttoned all the way to his belly button. Major, major changes. How are we expected to go back after that?
Robert Allen was first up. Faced with having to try and sell perhaps the most anonymous X Factor contestant in the show's history to an already-overloaded public, what did Sharon Osbourne do? She only stuck Robert Allen on first, where he'd be most likely to be forgotten. And - let's be fair - the world would be a better place if everyone forgot Robert's X Factor performance of All Night Long, which involved him screaming "Let's clap people, then, UH!" and "Woo, if you know it, sing!" like a Butlins redcoat. After the song, Robert Allen flitted backwards and forwards between hyperactive joy and hysterical weeping. Everyone said he was great marvellous super best thing since sliced bread. I'm going to wait and see....
Eton Road - I wish I had Louis Walsh's brain, because I'd love to know what he is now thinking about Eton Road. He didn't want them initially - but because he was conned by some production team with a pre-fab boy band, who had to be disqualified, all of a sudden ETON ROAD are now his great white hope. Eton Road sang My Girl on Saturday's X Factor, but they fell down when each member clearly started to try to out-sing everyone else in the group. Simon Cowell called Eton Road "odd," This means that when the lead singer sings, he takes on a posture like a 1950s cartoon housewife who's seen a mouse in her kitchen. He is fascinating though, and there is no doubt in my mind that ETON ROAD will change immeasurably over the next few weeks as Louis does a major revamp on them. Louis is counting on them now - the two scottish tall glasses of milk are not going to win it for them that's for sure.
Nikitta Angus - You'll know who Nikitta Angus is; she's one of the X Factor contestants with a "back story" - she has a dead Mum. As tragic as that undoubtedly is, mentioning it within seconds of her X Factor video intro did seem like she was over-egging things a little. I know that may offend some people but it is just the first case of "politics" and not the last. They are all seemingly anxious at this stage to sell their emotions as part of the game and it annoys me. More of this subject later. I suppose this is not new. Remember Andy "THE BIN MAN WITH YOUNG CHILDREN" from last year?? Admittedly, during her performance, Nikitta set this issue aside and looked like she was having the time of her life. Shame, then, that Nikitta sounded like a wasp in a wind tunnel all the way through her song. Which we can't even remember the name of. That doesn't exactly bode well for the future, does it?
Raymond Quinn - In an obvious attempt to pander to the droves of housewives who watch X Factor, Simon Cowell brylcreemed the life out of Raymond's hair and made him sing Ben, a weepy song about a dead rat. Unfortunately his vocals were simply all over the place. However, Simon Cowell said that Raymond is in possession of a little something called 'likability.' True - which is why he'll be in the last few in my view... unless he makes some major mistake like forgetting to smile which I don't think he will. Prepare for much footage of Raymond out playing football with his chums and family, visiting his granny and generally being a "likable" youth.
Ashley McKenzie - I think it will not be long before we see this chap doing a live cover of the Crazy Frog ringtone tune. Think about it - he looks exactly like the crazy frog. If you gave him one of those leather hats and put him on a motor bike he'd BE the crazy frog. However, despite his slightly kinky twin set and pearls, Ashley McKenzie made a fairly eventless standard run through, singing Easy Like Sunday Morning and "making it his own". By 'making it his own' I of course mean that Ashley sang "I'm izzy lakka sundiy morrrnan" instead of actual words that are in the English language. But - hey - it worked for him, so who are we to take the piss? His tuning was all over the place but no-one picked up on it because the judges don't seem to hear tuning problems (unless they are trying to tactically "comment" the other judges act out...)
Leona Lewis - Leona Lewis is a very good singer - she must be, because she does that annoying Mariah Carey 'aaaoooooh' thing at every single opportunity she gets. Since she was singing I'll Be There on Saturday's X Factor, that meant she could go 'aaaoooooh' about a thousand billion times. And do "Jazz Hands" a bunch of times. And then instantly burst into tears the moment it was over. Leona Lewis is obviously being set up as the winner of X Factor - Leonna is the subject of much Simon Cowell frothing. She's 'special' apparently, maybe even special enough to be allowed to release two singles after X Factor ends instead of just one.
Ben Mills - Imagine, if you will, that for one reason or another you're shitting out a rock-hard turd the size and shape of a rugby ball that's inexplicably been studded with shards of broken glass. Now imagine the sort of noise that'd come out of your mouth if you had to do this. Chances are it'd sound exactly like how Ben Mills sings - his X Factor performance of Tracks Of My Tears on Saturday consisted solely of him roaring like a lion with a van on its paw. To be fair to Ben, this approach won the X Factor judges over. They said he was like Rod Stewart. At least, we think that was a compliment… Next week is Rod Stewart week. Wouldn't it be funny if Rod Stewart (who I imagine is turning up) absoltely hated Ben??
So there you have it - the characters have been introduced to you - who do you all think will win this year? Who do you like? Who do you hate? Answers on a comment please...
posted by Freddy @ Friday, October 20, 2006
Comments: 2
