The Good Life
Grace Den't's marvellous blog can be found HERE"H, give us a hand here…say goodbye to everyone," said Donny Tourette jumping over the CBB fence on Friday night. "Mate, I'm out of here. I'm not f****** waiting hand and foot on some f****** moron and her family. I'm out."
As exits go from Big Brother, this was possibly the most dignified ever. No threats, no sobbing, no trots back and forth to the diary room or listening to their hokum about needing "24 hours to prepare"; just direct, positive action. If he'd jumped on the night bus from Borehamwood he could've reached Koko in Camden for last orders.
This would be much more fun than an evening trapped in a scullery with Leo Sayer's incessant twaddle or Jo's perma-frown. After expending all of her earthly allocation of joy during a particularly jocund S Club Party in 2000, Jo O'Meara appears to be working on a Pauline Fowler tribute act. "I don't do small talk," she told Donny as they began their 25-day incarceration. You can't blame Donny for walking.
Obviously, the main reason Donny left was the arrival of the multi-millionaire entertainment conglomerate Jade Goody plc. Jade arrived with her mother "Jackiey", (a woman so inherently dim that even her own name is a spelling mistake) and a young boy called Jack who's from the David Beckham/Leona Lewis school of charisma.
Jack's job is to be Jade's boyfriend and wear outfits that complement hers and appear in endless exclusive stories in Hot Celebs! magazine with titles such as: "Our fight over skimmed milk!" "Why I stormed out of the milk aisle!" or "It's a bit annoying when Jade steals the phone pen!"
I've nothing against the Goody clan in general; I'm just surprised and more than a bit dismayed to see them in Celebrity Big Brother.
For me, the point of the show is watching celebs we don't know a great deal about and observing their hidden side as it gently emerges. Back in 2002, I was keen to find out more about Jade Goody. That's why E4's What Jade Did Next was such a success. It was fun to see Jade at home and find out more about her nightmare mother Jackiey.
Then on Channel 4's Celebrity Wife Swap we all got a further look at "the real Jade". And in Five's Back to Reality we saw her returning to a Big Brother-style house for weeks. By this point there was little left to know about Jade's past or present. Nothing that wasn't in her warts-and-all autobiography, anyhow.
If you wanted any more footage of Jade being gobby and her mum being chavvy, you could watch Living TV's Jade's Salon, a reality-TV show about Jade's business. Or Living TV's Jade's PA. Or 60 Minute Makeover or Extreme Makeover where Jade and Jackiey both bickered and acted thick for the cameras.
Prior to Friday night, I refused to believe that it would actually be Jade's family going into Celebrity Big Brother. Largely because I'd found out about it a week beforehand via the serious investigative journalist tactic of walking to my corner shop and buying a newspaper. Everyone in Britain knew. All the celebs knew, too. They'd spent two days in the CBB house talking about Jade arriving. "This is all a smoke screen!" I told everyone, "They'll have someone really brilliant to put in!"
But it wasn't anyone brilliant, it was the Goody clan. Then the house was divided into paltry and luxury quarters. Then Donny Tourette walked. And somewhere inside of me a light for Celebrity Big Brother died. I'd been enjoying watching Donny play I-Spy with Jermaine Jackson and chatting about the music industry. And everyone trying to keep a straight face when he talks about his son "Jermajesty".
I enjoyed watching H from Steps show Jermaine his Bo' Selecta! impression. Or watching little-ray-of-sunshine Danielle hobbling about in her high heels doing her Aveline from Bread "Burrrrrr I'm a modddddel!" sing-song voice. It was starting to be good fun.
By Sunday, the house is a misery to watch. Everyone is playing a master/servant game of which neither the housemates nor the viewers at home understand the rules. Ken's left. Danielle is crying a lot. H looks knackered. Leo has taken a vow of silence. Meanwhile, Jackiey is being exactly like Jackiey always is.
I've seen it all before. Jackiey can't say Shilpa as it's too complicated so she calls her whatever springs to mind. It's an unamusing version of Little Britain's Marjorie Dawes on Fat Club listening to the lady in the sari then shaking her head in confusion and saying "Eh..? Something about curry?"
This is a weird point for me and CBB. I love Big Brother. I've loved it since day one, but right at this precise moment another three weeks feels like a chore. I've also lost any faith in voting after BB7, because let's face it, what is the point in voting out Jackiey if she can be put back in on day 23 in a "twist" and go on to win anyhow?
I turned over to BBC1 halfway through the CBB highlights show last night and watched Hannah Waterman doing tuneless karaoke on Just the Two of Us instead. When CBB starts losing feeble-minded disciples like me, they need to be worried. I love Big Brother so much I'll put up with anything. I've sat up till 5am before listening to Maggot from Goldie Lookin' Chain explain in loving, intricate detail his favourite parts of the Brecon Beacons.
If I had my way, I'd sweep out all the Goodys, stick in another three rock stars/comedians/whatever, get the house united and laughing again and begin the game afresh.
It was a good point, well made, Donny Tourette. Maybe I shouldn't be wasting my time watching some f****** moron and her family, either.
Labels: Big Brother, Jade Goody
posted by Freddy @ Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Comments: 0
