Well Jade has gone. Who do you think will win?
After a week of making a noise like a vaguely racist chainsaw, Jade Goody was evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house on Friday to discover that she was bigger news than the announcement that we're on the brink of actual nuclear Armageddon.
Jade Goody left the Celebrity Big Brother house to a deafening wall of audienceless silence, largely because the inevitable booing marking her departure would have knocked all the planet's satellites out of orbit and plunged Earth into a second Stone Age. From then on it was Celebrity Big Brother eviction business as usual; Jade Goody cried enough tears to single-handedly end the drought in Africa and Davina McCall embarked upon a breathtakingly inept exit interview which bizarrely saw her telling viewers "If you want to be a part of this summer's Big Brother…" as if people watching at home would see Jade sobbing and wailing and helplessly apologising for all the international diplomatic unease she'd caused and think "Yeah, that looks like fun, where's the application form?"
But now that Jade Goody has been evicted, Celebrity Big Brother can get back to being the bone-crushingly dull reality TV show we know and love. So how do we get rid of the remaining "racialists" ?
Jack Tweed - Now that Jade Goody has traded life as a Celebrity Big Brother housemate for life as the "Escapegoat" for all of society's problems, this leaves Jack Tweed in a tricky predicament. Since he's been inside the Celebrity Big Brother house, Jack has only said five words - almost half of them used to describe Shilpa as a "w##ker" and a "c##t" - but they were all said to Jade. Now Jack is all alone on Celebrity Big Brother, there's every chance that he'll either shrivel up and die without anyone actually noticing, or he'll come out of his shell, show his real personality off and spill his fluids off all over someone else's leg for a change. Which of these is most likely?
Danielle Lloyd - Lucky old Danielle Lloyd. Thanks to her not having a voice like twenty tectonic plates smashing into each other at a million miles and hour in an echo chamber, she managed to avoid the bulk of the Celebrity Big Brother racism row despite being about a billion times more racist-seeming than Jade Goody. Handily this hasn't gone unnoticed by the public, who now see Danielle Lloyd as the second-least favourite to win Celebrity Big Brother even though the big old racist flap has sort of died down now. What this means is that when Danielle Lloyd is eventually evicted from Celebrity Big Brother it'll be in front of a massive crowd. A massive booing crowd. A massive booing crowd of angry Indians holding burning effigies of Danielle Lloyd!
Jo O'Meara - All of the above goes equally for Jo "Are all Indians thin because they're sick all the time?" O'Meara. During Celebrity Big Brother Jo has changed from a mardy old sourballs to a mardy old sourballs with a nifty side-career as a sneering racist sidekick. Jo O'Meara was conspicuously the only member of The Celebrity Big Brother Bitches Of Elstree (copyright every bloody newspaper ever) not to apologise to Shilpa Shetty for being a bit of an arsehole to her. On the plus side, Jo O'Meara seems to be completely oblivious to all the crap that's going on outside of the Celebrity Big Brother house to the extent that she's actually given a Diary Room speech about how proud she is of her time in the house.
I would think the least Endemol can do is have evictions every night this week with MASSIVE audiences booing and braying for blood and making these plebs face their deeds head on.
Come on Endemol, MAKE THAT CHANGE!!
Vive la Revelution mes amis!!
© 2006 Fredordead
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Grace Dent updates
Grace Dent can be found
HEREOn the shreddies front, things were getting desperate for Leo Sayer. Staring forlornly at a suitcase full of grubby keks, Leo prays for the arrival of the special laundry fairy who replenishes his pant supply back home. "Washing powder is provided, Leo," says Big Brother.
Leo is very vexed. "I do not wash my own clothes!" he snaps. Washing his own underwear is clearly below Leo. Surely some Endemol work experience flunkie should be dispatched with a box of Dreft for a merry afternoon gratefully scrubbing the royal gusset? "This is unsanitary! And unhygienic!" rails Leo, "If you won't provide me with fresh pants I'm out of here. Let me out!"
At least this incident offers us a new reading of Leo's recent remastered hit Thunder in My Heart. "There's a storm raging deep inside my soul/There's a howling wind that I can't control/There's a fire inside that I can't explain," sings Leo, "I feel thunder in my heart and I can't explain!"
Until recently, I thought the track was about woman troubles. Now, I realise it was written in the 70s on the bleak day when the Sunset Strip Hyatt hotel couldn't assure Leo a same-day under-garment laundering service.
"Right, f****** let me out!" Leo yells. Eventually he levers open a door with a shovel and makes his escape, reaching the security fence before being flanked by two hulking security guards who prevent him going any further. Whether you like Leo or not, there's something about this final part of the drama that I find slightly unnerving.
"We've got him!" one guard shouts into his walkie-talkie. They then physically detain the flailing, shouting Leo until a producer and a camera crew can get there.
In seriousness, what sort of contract do housemates sign when they enter Big Brother? This is a TV studio in Elstree, not one of Her Majesty's detention facilities. How are Endemol employees allowed to use brute force to stop you leaving when you're shouting, "Let me out! Let me out! I want to leave!" at the top of your voice?
Of course, before anyone launches a human rights appeal on Leo Sayer's behalf it should be mentioned that when Leo is permitted to leave "this stupid f****** TV show" and "this stupid f****** country", he doesn't go at all. He hangs around to do an exclusive Friday-night interview, watch his best bits, talk about himself and cram his face on TV a little more. So much for hating Big Brother.
Leo's departure plays havoc with the Friday-night eviction. In a head-to-head between a columnist and Face from the A-Team, it's little surprise when Carole is spewn down the steps receiving the same muddy carpet of boos and cheers that almost everyone leaving and entering the house receives these days.
Let's hope in time for BB8 they find a totally new way of putting people in and out of the house. For me, the moment it became totally standard for people to be booed and abused on their way into the house, eviction nights lost their pizazz.
I'll miss Carole. She was dry, witty, calm-headed and at least led the conversation into some intelligent places. I sat watching live feed Jade and Danielle over the weekend, with added percussion by Jack. To say that an eight-year-old child could run rings around them all intellectually would be vastly unfair to Tony Blair's educational legacy.
How has Danielle got all those GCSEs? Was she dating the exam-board supervisor? Whatever, listening to Jade and Danielle even try to agree where they met and how they know each other puts me in mind of that Larson cartoon "Midvale School for the Gifted".
Last night on the live feed, Jade sat moaning at Shilpa about the way she acted during Carole's nomination. Six minutes into "the conversation", having endured Jade's singular point ten times, I decided to watch World Darts. I'm still truly disappointed that Celebrity Big Brother contains Jade Goody.
I'm not interested in hearing any more of the inarticulate ramblings of her Malteser-sized mind. She's had half a dozen other reality shows already. I'm not bothered about her, or her silly little lapdog boypal in his ridiculous Steptoe braces and Top Shop porkpie hat mooching about like a Lidl Justin Timberlake, either.
How long before Jermaine, Shilpa and Dirk walk out too? In the face of so much stupidity, bitching and bad feeling, I'm very impressed with Shilpa Shetty for having the stoic determination to stay. She's the best advert for converting to Hinduism I've ever seen. If Shilpa's faith could help me retreat to a fluttery place in my head where the tedious little triumvirate of fishwife Danielle, Fenella the Kettle Witch Jo and Jade plc became even worth reasoning with, I'd give it a shot.
With almost two weeks to go, I need divine intervention from somewhere.
© 2006 Fredordead
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Celebrity Big Brother
Grace Dent can be found
HEREJermaine Jackson wanders the Celebrity Big Brother house clad in his typical morning ensemble: unpleasant long johns and one of Noel Edmond's Christmas day jumpers. His expression is blank. He speaks very rarely apart from when he's praying.
If Jermaine's six days in the Big Brother house have achieved anything, they've brought him closer to God. Despite growing up in a house full of diamanté-shoulder-padded, surgery-obsessed fruitcakes, Jermaine has never quite met anything like Jackiey Budden. God is his only salvation.
"I wannedeggs! Not a nana! Nah, I don't want nish now! Nah, nuffing!" Jackiey is shouting, getting confused, upset, then angry about breakfast. Next there will be crying, then more yelling. Jade will need to step in and smooth things out again. Frequently this only makes things worse as Jade isn't very good at speaking either. Jade's eyes are hollow. She's exhausted with trying to keep the peace.
The day wears on, Jackiey charges around the house with her klaxon voice, wonky eye, flappy arm and cheese-and-chive breath, farting a lot, talking loudly about her days as a thief and drooling over Jo from S Club (who isn't gay, just a big fan of Joan "The Freak" Ferguson from Cell Block's look).
H and Cleo treat Jackiey with compassion, as if she were a backwards child. Later, Jackiey pulls out a bag of QVC-shopping-channel jewellery, then begins to dispense it to her "friends". "Dat Shirpal, Shippal, whatever her name is, ain't gettin' nish, though!" she says.
"I want to go home," Jade says sadly to Jack in the garden. To be honest, I can't muster up much sympathy for her. The acute discomfort of knowing the entire house is cringing and withdrawing from her own mum must be unbearable, but it certainly can't be a shock. When the phone call came from Jade's agent requesting the entire Goody family to go on Celebrity Big Brother, Jade knew her mother, being the stuff of Chris Morris Jam-style nightmares, would be the "star" of the show.
In all of Jade's numerous reality-TV shows, Jade has been dogged by her mother Jackiey's behaviour. The difference here being that instead of allowing us to see bite-sized chunks of Jade and Jackiey's comedy bickering, what Jade sold this time was the rights to 24-hour scrutiny of her hilarious dysfunctional, intellectually limited mum for us all to pick at. Which we all are, thank you very much.
"I feel terrible. I can't take this any more," sobs Jade following another Jackiey outburst about menus. Never mind, Jade, buy yourself another big car with the pay cheque, you'll get over it.
Ken left over an argument involving cheese and biscuits. I'll remember him for two quotes. On Jackiey: "At best she's a joke…at worst she's an evil woman." Then, as the producers opened the door to let him leave, Ken announced airily, "My slippers are under the chaise longue…will someone fetch them?" Goodbye, Ken, you'll be missed.
Despite Celebrity Big Brother being totally fun-free right now, there's still a fish hook through my gob dragging me back each day to watch. I suppose one of the most captivating things about Big Brother is that it's eternally different. This isn't I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! or Strictly Come Dancing, where you know what's in store from the off. It's a different type of drama each time.
Right now, CBB isn't especially witty, bitchy, surreal or youthful, like last year's CBB was with Preston, Chantelle, Pete, Maggot, Traci etc. Instead, this year's show is slow, dark and compelling, albeit in a depressing way. Instead of belly laughs, this CBB is an examination of snobbery, unravelling egos and, above all, the meaning of celebrity itself.
Leo Sayer cannot bear the concept of Jade Goody. According to Leo, he is a proper celebrity and she is nothing, because Leo has a talent and a 30-year recording career and Jade is just bloody Jade.
Aggravatingly for Leo, Jade Goody plc fascinates millions of people, while nobody gives a stuff about Leo any more. It's just not fair. The rules have all changed in celebrity world and no amount of swearing or sulking can do anything to alter it.
And what's left of Leo's career he's dismantling anyhow by behaving worse than Ricky Gervais would have asked him to for a cameo role in Extras. Until a week ago, cheeky, good time, upbeat Leo held a place in the nation's hearts as he always seemed such a nice bloke. Within 24 hours of entering the house it was clear that Leo had a touch of The Fast Show's Colin Hunt about him with his catchphrases, inane wittering, bad single entendres and mucky comments.
Leo spends most days mooching about the house, hands in pockets, seeking out people to talk at about himself. "I fancy a w***," he announced to Carole and Danielle recently, while they both set aside their breakfasts in horror trying to blitz the image of Leo wrestling with his own luncheon-truncheon from their minds.
Leo's anger with Big Brother has spilled into venomous fury of late because of the "conditions" he has to live in. "It should not be worse in here than we're accustomed to!" Leo huffs as Carole tries to explain that as a fee-paid celeb who is supposedly used to luxury, the name of the Celebrity Big Brother game is to see him fall from grace (subtext: shut your gob and get on with it).
This just makes Leo more furious. Back to the diary room Leo trots for more swearing, flicking of V's and offers to show his genitals. "F*** off. Give me my contract. I want to see my contract! Bring it to me now!" Leo shouts, thus creating the funniest moment of Celebrity Big Brother so far. Leo's contract is presented to him and he sets about reading it with the boggle-eyed intensity that he should have done the first time.
Leo sighs and tuts a bit, finally finding a paragraph of small print that I like to imagine said something like:
"Sub-clause 7896q: Dearest Leo, in your frothy-mouthed frenzy to get your little face back on British TV, you have NOT read this small-print paragraph. We at Big Brother reserve the right to treat you pretty much however we want during the next 25 days, stopping just short of actually killing you.
"If you're such a fool that you didn't think to visit YouTube and watch clips of last year's Celebrity Big Brother before signing up then sorry, mate, we can't help you. But believe us, stop wittering on about 'your rights', you fuzzy-headed little Fraggle.
"So do run along and stop waffling on about the air con, hygiene and diet not being "all you're accustomed to" and we'll be along with your economy baked beans in a moment.
"Yours, baring our bum cheeks in your general direction, love and kisses, everyone at Big Brother. XXXXX"
"I've read my contract," huffs Leo to Carole, stomping out of the diary room in a dark and brooding fug. "Oh…right," sighs Carole, "What did it say?" Leo fumes for a bit, his "real celebrity" bottom lip jutting out like a petulant child's. "It says they can do what they want."
© 2006 Fredordead
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The Jade Goody phenomenon
From the
INDEPENDENTHow did a former dental nurse rise from obscurity to earn a £4m fortune as a 'celebrity'? Why has she become such a ubiquitous presence on british television screens? What does her success say about the cultural life of the nation?Published: 09 January 2007The first time she was mentioned in the national press, Jade Goody was a "pretty dental nurse, 20, from London". It was 25 May 2002 and the car crash that was Big Brother 3 had only just begun.
By the end of the summer, Jade had been described as a nasty slapper, public enemy number one, the most hated woman in Britain and a monster. Big Brother message boards had received "burn the pig" death threats and Channel 4 bosses were urged to smuggle her out and rush her to a secret location abroad (maybe in "East Angular") for her own safety.
Four-and-a-half years later, Jade is, by her own account, "the most 25th inferlential [sic] person in the world". She is worth up to £4m; it is impossible to switch on a television without her featuring on some satellite channel somewhere; she is never out of the red-tops. She even has her own best-selling perfume.
So how did this remarkable transformation come about? And what does it say about all of us?
For when Jade walked back into the Big Brother house last Friday night it was, she was keen to point out, as a bona fide celebrity. Not that the other celebrities agreed. Within a day, Donny Tourette, the Sid Vicious-wannabe with unforeseen Spiderman tendencies, had scaled the wall of the Big Brother compound, declaring manfully: "I'm out of here. I'm not fucking waiting on some moron and her family."
Next to succumb was the film director Ken Russell. Not someone who has led a sheltered life, he branded her "demented" and realised that he had to get away. As he hurriedly packed his bags on Sunday, the director of The Devils and Revenge of the Elephant Man explained that he could not tolerate being in a quite large house with a small Essex girl and her enormous mouth. "I don't want to live in a society riddled with evil and hatred," he whispered. It was more than he had said all week in the house.
Last night, Ladbrokes had odds of 2 to 1 on another celebrity getting a bad case of Goody-itis and legging it out of the house. The Jade magic is working again, just like it did in 2002. But Jade should not be downhearted: she has learnt that being an "escape goat", as she so memorably described her position, is big business.
It started the day after she walked into the house first time around alongside contestants such as Adele, Kate and Alex - now long forgotten. After 24 hours of Jade, The People wrote an astonished attack, entitled: "Why we must lob the gob". The next day, Coral suspended betting on Jade being the first to be voted out after a flood of bets including one of £5,900.
Whatever they said about Jade, she was worse. The Daily Mail asked, "Are these the 12 most awful people in Britain?" So Jade celebrated her 21st birthday, declaring: "I'm going to make myself so drunk that I'll make myself sick, and then I'll start all over again." Dominik Diamond called her a "nasty slapper" with a face like a pig. She found herself in bed with her housemate, PJ, who denied their under-the-sheets fumble and ran from her, shrieking. For perhaps the first time in living memory, The Sun and The Mirror were in full agreement: this was the most hated woman in Britain. The Daily Star decided she was a "monster".
Then Jade threatened to "deck" Adele for pointing out that Jade had a verruca. It was rumoured that even Germaine Greer was struggling to find a sense of sisterhood and had muttered in the Newsnight green room that "the fat slag deserves all she gets". She was more unpopular than Saddam Hussein. Who was a boxer, according to Jade.
Such was the passion behind the new national sport that some grew wary. Big Brother's producers were warned by Dr Cynthia McVey, a leading psychologist and expert in reality TV show ethics, who announced her fears for Jade's safety and sanity. "My real worries are for Jade," she said. "Every bit of her character has been attacked. She has been called ugly, stupid and nasty."
Channel 4 insiders revealed that Jade had a long chat with the show's psychologist and been recommended for 24-hour protection the minute the show was over. Her mum begged programme-makers to smuggle her out via a back door, for fear that she would be lynched. Then Jade emerged in fourth place, in a pink satin dress two sizes too small, and all hell broke loose. Was she upset my all the criticism? Was she bollocks, she said.
Years later, Dr McVey is still certain that she was right to voice her concerns. "I have a theory that, after I'd said that, some people felt that they had gone too far, and they turned around and supported her," she said yesterday. "You'd expect her to be demoralised. But what happened may have enabled her future career."
Was she referring to The Mirror, which announced triumphantly that its anti-Jade campaign was "a brilliantly conceived clandestine campaign to drum up sympathy for the divine Ms Jade Goody"? Or The Sun, which decided to back her as a worthy winner? Whatever it was, Jade's fortunes took a turn for the better.
Dr McVey shrugs. "Maybe she was less sensitive than other people would have been. She may have thought that it was a fair trade off - the price of fame. Still, I am a little surprised that she agreed to go back into the house. The first time may have been a good move in the long term but it was not a pleasant experience in the short term. I'm surprised she didn't say to herself that it might not be the best move."
Whatever the short-term pain, you can forgive Jade for wanting some more of that long-term action. She is estimated to be worth between £2m and £4m. She owns three houses with giant plasma TV screens and chandeliers and a £60,000 turbo-charged Range Rover. Her autobiography, cunningly titled My Autobiography, has sold 113,000 copies, not bad for someone who admits that she can have trouble signing her own name. And her perfume, Shh... Jade Goody, is the third most popular in the country, after Kylie's and Victoria Beckham's.
Jade's agent, who also represents Davina McCall, Tess Daly, Mariella Frostrup and Sadie Frost is very shy about talking money. A representative from John Noel Management was willing to reveal that she is paid for TV appearances on the likes of The Weakest Link and The Friday Night Project, and for reality TV projects such as Celebrity Driving School, What Jade Goody Did Next and Jade's PA. They are also willing to reveal that she has just released her third fitness DVD. But they are notably cagey about what she actually does for a living. Apart, that is, from fight with her boyfriends, make up with her boyfriends, and have an apparently continual series of cancer scares. "They camp outside my door," she told her fellow "celebrities" at the weekend. And she always delivers.
"When she first left the house there were, um, concerns, about how her life would be," says a spokeswoman. "We were approached by Endemol to advise her on how to deal with all the media requests." Jade may not be "the sharpest tool in the sandwich box", but she has some working for her, according to the PR guru Max Clifford.
"With good management and a bit of luck Jade can last another two or three years as a celebrity," he predicts. And, he thinks, the public deserves the celebrities it gets. "I think the magic is that anybody watching Jade would think, 'I could do that, and I could do that better,'" he says. "More and more young girls and boys want to be famous. And if Jade can be, anyone can be. She makes them feel intelligent.''
Ten thousand people tried to emulate Jade last year and get into the Big Brother house, which is now in 20 countries. When she first appeared, reality TV was in its infancy. Now every second programme seems to be The Apprentice, or Jamie's Kitchen, or Just The Two of Us, or Celebrity Love Island. It seems to have done - or magnifed - something fundamental to the British psyche, an embracing of the vulgar, the lowest common denominator of mediocre, pointless television, according to Paul Watson, whom many credit with the invention of the genre 30 years ago.
Clifford says of Goody's current appearance: "The others resent her because celebrities are generally very insecure and empty vehicles. And let's face it, if they had a career they wouldn't go in this show. You only go on a show like this if you have nothing to lose. And the lucky thing for Jade is that she doesn't have any delusions. When you start taking yourself seriously as a star, that's when the problems start." This time round, though, does Jade risk reminding the public why she was public enemy number one in 2002? "Those around her have had three or four years to prepare her for going back into the house," says Clifford. "A lot of professionals are making a great deal of money out of her, and they'll be shrewd enough to protect their investment. Provided she's sensible there's no reason why this shouldn't be another successful step."
It is difficult to see what more Jade has to throw at us. Almost five years on, the public may think they have acquired an immunity to her peculiar brand of talentless fame. But Jade has a secret weapon: her mum. However stupid, however mean and however intolerable Jade was in 2002, Jackiey is worse by miles. And she has had £125,000 of cosmetic surgery to make her an even more zeitgeist anti-heroine.
As Ken Russell fled the house, he revealed that, while Jade was bad, he simply could not tolerate Jackiey. "She is a disruptive force verging on pure evil," he insisted. "She seems not to have control of her tongue or her brain, if she has one." Jade tried to be loyal, but even she was soon in tears in the diary room. "My mum's doing my head in," she sobbed. "I can't get away from her voice."
Jade Goody, the most hated woman in Britain, has been superseded by an even more invidious evil. She is louder, stupider and more cosmetically enhanced. And she has history. Jackiey may have admired Davina's bottom and lost the use of her left arm in a motorbike accident, but she is not your typical one-armed lesbian. When Jade was interviewed in 2002, she confessed that her mum had given her her first joint aged five, beaten her "because I hadn't fixed my wendy house properly" and once, in a haze of prescription medication, forgotten she had a daughter. "There were times when it was hard," she admitted, sagely.
Having thrown everything she has at us, Jade has brought out her trump card. "You thought I was bad?" she seems to be saying. "You should see my family."
© 2006 Fredordead
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The Good Life
Grace Den't's marvellous blog can be found HERE"H, give us a hand here…say goodbye to everyone," said Donny Tourette jumping over the CBB fence on Friday night. "Mate, I'm out of here. I'm not f****** waiting hand and foot on some f****** moron and her family. I'm out."
As exits go from Big Brother, this was possibly the most dignified ever. No threats, no sobbing, no trots back and forth to the diary room or listening to their hokum about needing "24 hours to prepare"; just direct, positive action. If he'd jumped on the night bus from Borehamwood he could've reached Koko in Camden for last orders.
This would be much more fun than an evening trapped in a scullery with Leo Sayer's incessant twaddle or Jo's perma-frown. After expending all of her earthly allocation of joy during a particularly jocund S Club Party in 2000, Jo O'Meara appears to be working on a Pauline Fowler tribute act. "I don't do small talk," she told Donny as they began their 25-day incarceration. You can't blame Donny for walking.
Obviously, the main reason Donny left was the arrival of the multi-millionaire entertainment conglomerate Jade Goody plc. Jade arrived with her mother "Jackiey", (a woman so inherently dim that even her own name is a spelling mistake) and a young boy called Jack who's from the David Beckham/Leona Lewis school of charisma.
Jack's job is to be Jade's boyfriend and wear outfits that complement hers and appear in endless exclusive stories in Hot Celebs! magazine with titles such as: "Our fight over skimmed milk!" "Why I stormed out of the milk aisle!" or "It's a bit annoying when Jade steals the phone pen!"
I've nothing against the Goody clan in general; I'm just surprised and more than a bit dismayed to see them in Celebrity Big Brother.
For me, the point of the show is watching celebs we don't know a great deal about and observing their hidden side as it gently emerges. Back in 2002, I was keen to find out more about Jade Goody. That's why E4's What Jade Did Next was such a success. It was fun to see Jade at home and find out more about her nightmare mother Jackiey.
Then on Channel 4's Celebrity Wife Swap we all got a further look at "the real Jade". And in Five's Back to Reality we saw her returning to a Big Brother-style house for weeks. By this point there was little left to know about Jade's past or present. Nothing that wasn't in her warts-and-all autobiography, anyhow.
If you wanted any more footage of Jade being gobby and her mum being chavvy, you could watch Living TV's Jade's Salon, a reality-TV show about Jade's business. Or Living TV's Jade's PA. Or 60 Minute Makeover or Extreme Makeover where Jade and Jackiey both bickered and acted thick for the cameras.
Prior to Friday night, I refused to believe that it would actually be Jade's family going into Celebrity Big Brother. Largely because I'd found out about it a week beforehand via the serious investigative journalist tactic of walking to my corner shop and buying a newspaper. Everyone in Britain knew. All the celebs knew, too. They'd spent two days in the CBB house talking about Jade arriving. "This is all a smoke screen!" I told everyone, "They'll have someone really brilliant to put in!"
But it wasn't anyone brilliant, it was the Goody clan. Then the house was divided into paltry and luxury quarters. Then Donny Tourette walked. And somewhere inside of me a light for Celebrity Big Brother died. I'd been enjoying watching Donny play I-Spy with Jermaine Jackson and chatting about the music industry. And everyone trying to keep a straight face when he talks about his son "Jermajesty".
I enjoyed watching H from Steps show Jermaine his Bo' Selecta! impression. Or watching little-ray-of-sunshine Danielle hobbling about in her high heels doing her Aveline from Bread "Burrrrrr I'm a modddddel!" sing-song voice. It was starting to be good fun.
By Sunday, the house is a misery to watch. Everyone is playing a master/servant game of which neither the housemates nor the viewers at home understand the rules. Ken's left. Danielle is crying a lot. H looks knackered. Leo has taken a vow of silence. Meanwhile, Jackiey is being exactly like Jackiey always is.
I've seen it all before. Jackiey can't say Shilpa as it's too complicated so she calls her whatever springs to mind. It's an unamusing version of Little Britain's Marjorie Dawes on Fat Club listening to the lady in the sari then shaking her head in confusion and saying "Eh..? Something about curry?"
This is a weird point for me and CBB. I love Big Brother. I've loved it since day one, but right at this precise moment another three weeks feels like a chore. I've also lost any faith in voting after BB7, because let's face it, what is the point in voting out Jackiey if she can be put back in on day 23 in a "twist" and go on to win anyhow?
I turned over to BBC1 halfway through the CBB highlights show last night and watched Hannah Waterman doing tuneless karaoke on Just the Two of Us instead. When CBB starts losing feeble-minded disciples like me, they need to be worried. I love Big Brother so much I'll put up with anything. I've sat up till 5am before listening to Maggot from Goldie Lookin' Chain explain in loving, intricate detail his favourite parts of the Brecon Beacons.
If I had my way, I'd sweep out all the Goodys, stick in another three rock stars/comedians/whatever, get the house united and laughing again and begin the game afresh.
It was a good point, well made, Donny Tourette. Maybe I shouldn't be wasting my time watching some f****** moron and her family, either.
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This week's most interesting referrals
As you may know I can see you all. I can see when you look at my site and I can see what you click....
Actually that's not strictly true - the info is limited and anyone can access it not just me. The only thing I can actually do is guess what your IP address is telling me. However I can see why people have come to Freds if they came from a search engine such as Yahoo or Google. Some of this week's most interesting referrals are fascinating!!. If you click these links you will see what people were looking for when they "happened upon" Fred's.
"Drugs kept me from being a terrorist:kelly brook december coverJade Goody Stealing from Asdanicolas dorsett lifestyle now that he had left x factor"jeff brazier" suckchico "is chico time" song lyricschico blowjob picture x-factorchico slimari gayLabels: Jade Goody, X Factor
Jade Goody Update
In a feature for the latest 'Reveal' magazine, edition of 29/10/05, Jade examines various weight-loss techniques that do not involve dieting.
As well as wearing magic pants & having a full body-wrap, Jade enjoyed her first colonic irrigation treatment.
Jade: 'I was a bit nervous at first, but was quickly put at ease. After the tube was put in place, I just had to lie on a table & relax. If you want, there's a mirror so you can see what's coming out, but I didn't fancy a peek.
The hardest part is to feel relaxed & not self-conscious, but once you do that, it's fine ...
As soon as the treatment was over, I felt better. It can release trapped gas, which makes your tummy go down.'
The procedure was a success for Jade who instantly lost one and a half inches from her waist & over a pound in weight.
As a result of undertaking all 3 procedures jade is a lovely size 12, once again.
At Fred and Fred's, we think it's marvellous that Jade goes through all this agony in the spirit of public information. We could never hear enough of all this and would particularly love to find out more about her "magic pants"
Labels: Jade Goody
Points for Limerick Round
Apologies for the appearance of posts but I'm having to e-mail them in at the moment as the internet server is down....
Points for the Limerick round have now been awarded.
I realise I'm a bit biased but I can't resist Other Freddy's attempt for first place for his kebab limerick. Non-UK people may wish to know that a "Kebab" in the UK was a phrase which was made popular on the hit "Big Brother" show a few years ago by Mz Jade Goody. I will not define Kebab for you as it is a bit rude - suffice it to say that at one point on the show, having lost outright a game of strip poker, Mz Goody was concerned that her "Kebab" may be "showing". this was picked up by the hit comedy show "Bo-Selecta" and hence the word "Kebab" has taken over a whole new meaning.
Therefore I award points as follows:
Pig / Other Fred = 5
Andrew = 4.5
Walker = 4
Sandra = 3.5
Lisa = 3
THE JUDGES DECISION IS FINAL
Labels: Big Brother, Jade Goody, limericks
Your Jade Goody Limericks!!!
“My Gaaawrd” said Jade Goody, “I'm knicked!”
To the copper as she screamed and she kicked...
“I’m just an escape goat
in me knickers and fur coat
do you think I’m a sexual addict?”
Andrew SmithMy Gaaawrd" said Jade Goody, "I'm knicked!"
To the copper as she screamed and kicked
She hitched up her dress
And god what a mess
The policeman thought as he was sick!!
SandraMy Gaaawrd" said Jade Goody, "I'm knicked!"
To the copper as she screamed and kicked
But the policeman just laughed
At the ugly drunk Chav
And thought "christ what a minger I've picked" Sandra"My Gaaawrd" said Jade Goody, "I'm knicked!"
To the copper as she screamed and kicked...
I just went to town
To find something brown
But got into a lot of shtick!!
Walker"My Gaaawrd" said Jade Goody, "I'm knicked!"
To the copper as she screamed and kicked..."
there had been a mistake
in the cells she would bake
and all for a bleedin' jacket!
Lisa
"My Gaaawrd" said Jade Goody, "I'm knicked!"
To the copper as she screamed and kicked..."
as the handcuffs went "snap"
round her wrists they did wrap
"twas the bottle what made me derelict!"
Lisa
"My Gaaawrd" said Jade Goody, "I'm knicked!"
To the copper as she screamed and kicked...
The Women's Wing beckoning,
But Poor Jade was reckoning
That she would enjoy having her kebab flicked.
Other FredLabels: Jade Goody, limericks
My Effort
"My Gaaawrd" said Jade Goody, "I'm knicked!"
To the copper as she screamed and kicked..."
I was framed by Jeff Brazier
He couldn't be crazier,
So I know who I'm going to evict"
Labels: Jade Goody
Wednesday's Puzzler (Yes it's Limerick Wednesday)
Finish this limerick surrounding Jade Goody.
"My Gaaawrd" said Jade Goody, "I'm knicked!"
To the copper as she screamed and kicked...
Blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!!!
Entries should be e-mailed to mark.mcguire@btinternet.com and all entries will be published at 4.00. International late entries will be accepted if there is a time zone issue!!
Good luck All!!
M XXLabels: Jade Goody, limericks
Jade Goody
Former Big Brother contestant Jade Goody has been arrested on suspicion of shoplifting at an Asda store in Essex.
But she was released when police decided there was not enough evidence to charge her. Staff at Asda in Harlow called police after a security tag on a £16 denim jacket she was carrying set off a security alarm, The Sun reported.
A spokesman for Ms Goody, 24, told The Sun that staff had merely forgotten to remove the tag after she paid. 'Run its course' "She did not do anything wrong," he said. "As far as she is concerned, she went into the store and purchased a number of items of clothing before leaving. "She thought Asda staff mistakenly left the tag on the jacket."
Essex Police's Insp Adrian Dearsley said on Monday: "Police received a report at 1450 on Sunday afternoon of a theft of an item of clothing from Asda's in Harlow. "This evening a 24-year-old woman from Chipping Ongar was arrested on suspicion of theft. "The investigation has run its course and there will be no charge out of it."
Ms Goody, one of Big Brother's most popular personalities, came third in the Channel 4 reality TV show in 2002.
Labels: Big Brother, Jade Goody
