Grace Dent updates
Grace Dent can be found HEREOn the shreddies front, things were getting desperate for Leo Sayer. Staring forlornly at a suitcase full of grubby keks, Leo prays for the arrival of the special laundry fairy who replenishes his pant supply back home. "Washing powder is provided, Leo," says Big Brother.
Leo is very vexed. "I do not wash my own clothes!" he snaps. Washing his own underwear is clearly below Leo. Surely some Endemol work experience flunkie should be dispatched with a box of Dreft for a merry afternoon gratefully scrubbing the royal gusset? "This is unsanitary! And unhygienic!" rails Leo, "If you won't provide me with fresh pants I'm out of here. Let me out!"
At least this incident offers us a new reading of Leo's recent remastered hit Thunder in My Heart. "There's a storm raging deep inside my soul/There's a howling wind that I can't control/There's a fire inside that I can't explain," sings Leo, "I feel thunder in my heart and I can't explain!"
Until recently, I thought the track was about woman troubles. Now, I realise it was written in the 70s on the bleak day when the Sunset Strip Hyatt hotel couldn't assure Leo a same-day under-garment laundering service.
"Right, f****** let me out!" Leo yells. Eventually he levers open a door with a shovel and makes his escape, reaching the security fence before being flanked by two hulking security guards who prevent him going any further. Whether you like Leo or not, there's something about this final part of the drama that I find slightly unnerving.
"We've got him!" one guard shouts into his walkie-talkie. They then physically detain the flailing, shouting Leo until a producer and a camera crew can get there.
In seriousness, what sort of contract do housemates sign when they enter Big Brother? This is a TV studio in Elstree, not one of Her Majesty's detention facilities. How are Endemol employees allowed to use brute force to stop you leaving when you're shouting, "Let me out! Let me out! I want to leave!" at the top of your voice?
Of course, before anyone launches a human rights appeal on Leo Sayer's behalf it should be mentioned that when Leo is permitted to leave "this stupid f****** TV show" and "this stupid f****** country", he doesn't go at all. He hangs around to do an exclusive Friday-night interview, watch his best bits, talk about himself and cram his face on TV a little more. So much for hating Big Brother.
Leo's departure plays havoc with the Friday-night eviction. In a head-to-head between a columnist and Face from the A-Team, it's little surprise when Carole is spewn down the steps receiving the same muddy carpet of boos and cheers that almost everyone leaving and entering the house receives these days.
Let's hope in time for BB8 they find a totally new way of putting people in and out of the house. For me, the moment it became totally standard for people to be booed and abused on their way into the house, eviction nights lost their pizazz.
I'll miss Carole. She was dry, witty, calm-headed and at least led the conversation into some intelligent places. I sat watching live feed Jade and Danielle over the weekend, with added percussion by Jack. To say that an eight-year-old child could run rings around them all intellectually would be vastly unfair to Tony Blair's educational legacy.
How has Danielle got all those GCSEs? Was she dating the exam-board supervisor? Whatever, listening to Jade and Danielle even try to agree where they met and how they know each other puts me in mind of that Larson cartoon "Midvale School for the Gifted".
Last night on the live feed, Jade sat moaning at Shilpa about the way she acted during Carole's nomination. Six minutes into "the conversation", having endured Jade's singular point ten times, I decided to watch World Darts. I'm still truly disappointed that Celebrity Big Brother contains Jade Goody.
I'm not interested in hearing any more of the inarticulate ramblings of her Malteser-sized mind. She's had half a dozen other reality shows already. I'm not bothered about her, or her silly little lapdog boypal in his ridiculous Steptoe braces and Top Shop porkpie hat mooching about like a Lidl Justin Timberlake, either.
How long before Jermaine, Shilpa and Dirk walk out too? In the face of so much stupidity, bitching and bad feeling, I'm very impressed with Shilpa Shetty for having the stoic determination to stay. She's the best advert for converting to Hinduism I've ever seen. If Shilpa's faith could help me retreat to a fluttery place in my head where the tedious little triumvirate of fishwife Danielle, Fenella the Kettle Witch Jo and Jade plc became even worth reasoning with, I'd give it a shot.
With almost two weeks to go, I need divine intervention from somewhere.
© 2006 Fredordead
Labels: Big Brother, Grace Dent, Jade Goody
posted by Freddy @ Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Comments: 0
