Celebrity Big Brother
Grace Dent can be found HEREJermaine Jackson wanders the Celebrity Big Brother house clad in his typical morning ensemble: unpleasant long johns and one of Noel Edmond's Christmas day jumpers. His expression is blank. He speaks very rarely apart from when he's praying.
If Jermaine's six days in the Big Brother house have achieved anything, they've brought him closer to God. Despite growing up in a house full of diamanté-shoulder-padded, surgery-obsessed fruitcakes, Jermaine has never quite met anything like Jackiey Budden. God is his only salvation.
"I wannedeggs! Not a nana! Nah, I don't want nish now! Nah, nuffing!" Jackiey is shouting, getting confused, upset, then angry about breakfast. Next there will be crying, then more yelling. Jade will need to step in and smooth things out again. Frequently this only makes things worse as Jade isn't very good at speaking either. Jade's eyes are hollow. She's exhausted with trying to keep the peace.
The day wears on, Jackiey charges around the house with her klaxon voice, wonky eye, flappy arm and cheese-and-chive breath, farting a lot, talking loudly about her days as a thief and drooling over Jo from S Club (who isn't gay, just a big fan of Joan "The Freak" Ferguson from Cell Block's look).
H and Cleo treat Jackiey with compassion, as if she were a backwards child. Later, Jackiey pulls out a bag of QVC-shopping-channel jewellery, then begins to dispense it to her "friends". "Dat Shirpal, Shippal, whatever her name is, ain't gettin' nish, though!" she says.
"I want to go home," Jade says sadly to Jack in the garden. To be honest, I can't muster up much sympathy for her. The acute discomfort of knowing the entire house is cringing and withdrawing from her own mum must be unbearable, but it certainly can't be a shock. When the phone call came from Jade's agent requesting the entire Goody family to go on Celebrity Big Brother, Jade knew her mother, being the stuff of Chris Morris Jam-style nightmares, would be the "star" of the show.
In all of Jade's numerous reality-TV shows, Jade has been dogged by her mother Jackiey's behaviour. The difference here being that instead of allowing us to see bite-sized chunks of Jade and Jackiey's comedy bickering, what Jade sold this time was the rights to 24-hour scrutiny of her hilarious dysfunctional, intellectually limited mum for us all to pick at. Which we all are, thank you very much.
"I feel terrible. I can't take this any more," sobs Jade following another Jackiey outburst about menus. Never mind, Jade, buy yourself another big car with the pay cheque, you'll get over it.
Ken left over an argument involving cheese and biscuits. I'll remember him for two quotes. On Jackiey: "At best she's a joke…at worst she's an evil woman." Then, as the producers opened the door to let him leave, Ken announced airily, "My slippers are under the chaise longue…will someone fetch them?" Goodbye, Ken, you'll be missed.
Despite Celebrity Big Brother being totally fun-free right now, there's still a fish hook through my gob dragging me back each day to watch. I suppose one of the most captivating things about Big Brother is that it's eternally different. This isn't I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! or Strictly Come Dancing, where you know what's in store from the off. It's a different type of drama each time.
Right now, CBB isn't especially witty, bitchy, surreal or youthful, like last year's CBB was with Preston, Chantelle, Pete, Maggot, Traci etc. Instead, this year's show is slow, dark and compelling, albeit in a depressing way. Instead of belly laughs, this CBB is an examination of snobbery, unravelling egos and, above all, the meaning of celebrity itself.
Leo Sayer cannot bear the concept of Jade Goody. According to Leo, he is a proper celebrity and she is nothing, because Leo has a talent and a 30-year recording career and Jade is just bloody Jade.
Aggravatingly for Leo, Jade Goody plc fascinates millions of people, while nobody gives a stuff about Leo any more. It's just not fair. The rules have all changed in celebrity world and no amount of swearing or sulking can do anything to alter it.
And what's left of Leo's career he's dismantling anyhow by behaving worse than Ricky Gervais would have asked him to for a cameo role in Extras. Until a week ago, cheeky, good time, upbeat Leo held a place in the nation's hearts as he always seemed such a nice bloke. Within 24 hours of entering the house it was clear that Leo had a touch of The Fast Show's Colin Hunt about him with his catchphrases, inane wittering, bad single entendres and mucky comments.
Leo spends most days mooching about the house, hands in pockets, seeking out people to talk at about himself. "I fancy a w***," he announced to Carole and Danielle recently, while they both set aside their breakfasts in horror trying to blitz the image of Leo wrestling with his own luncheon-truncheon from their minds.
Leo's anger with Big Brother has spilled into venomous fury of late because of the "conditions" he has to live in. "It should not be worse in here than we're accustomed to!" Leo huffs as Carole tries to explain that as a fee-paid celeb who is supposedly used to luxury, the name of the Celebrity Big Brother game is to see him fall from grace (subtext: shut your gob and get on with it).
This just makes Leo more furious. Back to the diary room Leo trots for more swearing, flicking of V's and offers to show his genitals. "F*** off. Give me my contract. I want to see my contract! Bring it to me now!" Leo shouts, thus creating the funniest moment of Celebrity Big Brother so far. Leo's contract is presented to him and he sets about reading it with the boggle-eyed intensity that he should have done the first time.
Leo sighs and tuts a bit, finally finding a paragraph of small print that I like to imagine said something like:
"Sub-clause 7896q: Dearest Leo, in your frothy-mouthed frenzy to get your little face back on British TV, you have NOT read this small-print paragraph. We at Big Brother reserve the right to treat you pretty much however we want during the next 25 days, stopping just short of actually killing you.
"If you're such a fool that you didn't think to visit YouTube and watch clips of last year's Celebrity Big Brother before signing up then sorry, mate, we can't help you. But believe us, stop wittering on about 'your rights', you fuzzy-headed little Fraggle.
"So do run along and stop waffling on about the air con, hygiene and diet not being "all you're accustomed to" and we'll be along with your economy baked beans in a moment.
"Yours, baring our bum cheeks in your general direction, love and kisses, everyone at Big Brother. XXXXX"
"I've read my contract," huffs Leo to Carole, stomping out of the diary room in a dark and brooding fug. "Oh…right," sighs Carole, "What did it say?" Leo fumes for a bit, his "real celebrity" bottom lip jutting out like a petulant child's. "It says they can do what they want."
© 2006 Fredordead
Labels: Big Brother, Grace Dent, Jade Goody
posted by Freddy @ Friday, January 12, 2007
Comments: 0
