If you did not see the gayest thing on TV this year so far (and that includes the moment "H" from Steps tried to teach "The Face" from the A-Team to perform a dance routine to "I Don't Feel Like Dancing" by the Scissor Sisters) then Fredordead is here to help.
Turn your sound up, press play and behold what is surely the epitomy of GAY.
Take That - the opening to a live broadcast called Dancing on Ice on Saturday night on BBC1 complete with Torville and Dean skating round them and endless skating be-hooped dancers dressed up in giant condoms.
I love the moment Gary Barlow abandons his piano (presumably it plays itself from that point) to do a bit of dancing - surely a simple enough routine - he still manages to look like your dad at a wedding after a few glasses of asti spumanti.
It's brilliance for me was the fact that we had all these icons of yesterday like Take That, Philip Schofield and Toville and Deane being wheeled back onto prime time TV all at the same time making the point to everyone that talent doesn't age and that our generation has still plenty to offer.
The picture of me Jenny and Lynder at Castleward is used quite a lot on FredorDead - however I unearthed THIS rarer picture of Fred with the two beautiers and I thought I would share!!
It was Valentines day - the sky was really blue, the City Hall looked stunning from my work (above) and all was good in the world. I had a really good sales day yesterday - in fact there was NOTHING bad about yesterday. I caught myself thinking that my life is far from perfect but it's as near as I can get it.
I'm not rich, but I'm not poor. I have a house and a mortgage - something that is becoming quite an achievement these days since people can't actually afford starter homes, I'm not alone in the world, I have my Freddy who I love, and I work in a place where I like everyone and everyone likes me. I don't have bird flu. I don't live in Iraq. I'm NOT being poisoned by Russians. I've beaten my anorexia by taking down the mirrors in my house. All is good. (only joking by the way before I get a comment asking me to talk about annorexia)
So I just thought I'd say that. Yesterday was a lovely day because actually I have nothing real to complain about.
Peter, the eternal pessimist who lives in my brain is still jumping around deep down shouting "Prepare to be doomed! Prepare to be doomed!" but he can fuck right off!!
I got this lovely Valentine's card this morning from my Fred. I DO hope you can read the lovely verse he put on the envelope, it really touched my heart.
I won't even begin to show you what was written inside the card...
I would refer you to the poem I wrote for you all LAST YEAR and admit I haven't yet written a valentine poem this year - perhaps I will be able to write one today if I get time to break wind...
In the mean time read the above poem from last year - perhaps you could write FREDORDEAD a valentine poem and add it below?
1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".
2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing the night before.
3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
5. All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.
6. Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.
7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be alright for the DIY or in the garden.
8. You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.
9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving Properties of most of the things that are in it.
10. You start to worry about your parents' health.
11. You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
12. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace And Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your children.
13. Pop music all starts to sound the same.
14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really nice half-bottle of house red.
15. You always have enough milk in.
16. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
17. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
20. You wish you had a shed.
21. You have a shed.
22. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 4 TV channels" and "Not in my day...."
23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine has some really interesting guests on.
24. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, You tut at rowdy school children.
25. When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.
Pointless Museum Lets You Look At Kylie's Smelly Clothes
Here we are again with Kylie.
I've ranted about her before on here. I find her bland and ordinaire. It's well known.
But I will admit that Kylie has provided men in general with some worthwhile entertainment. And now you can be entertained and fascinated all at the same time by looking at her pants quite close up.
Yes, that’s right, you can now unleash the stalker that’s always been lurking inside you and go down to the Victoria & Albert Museum in London to look at various stage outfits that Kylie has donned, from the dungarees that she sported in the early days of Neighbours in 1987 to those infamous hotpants that helped save her dodgy music career.
Over 200 pieces of Kylie gear has been donated for you to perv over look at, and to Fredordead's amazement, tickets are said to be selling well ahead of Thursday's opening.
In, a statement that literally took seconds to prepare, Kylie described how she felt about the exhibition to BBC News:
“Honoured.”
So is this the new celebrity trend? I presume so. As whenever a winning money-spinning formula is created, other celebrities will soon follow. Expect to see the clothes that Richard Hammond crashed in, the lack of clothing that Jordan models in and the various syringes that Pete Doherty squirts blood at cameras with. If any PR companies out there would like to see what trendy gear Fredordead wears on a day-to-day to basis, send a bag of cash and a sturdy table and I'll proudly show off my sweaty, burger-stained gear to the whole damn world.
As we congratulate Ed on getting into York Minster, it is my duty to embarrass him at the same time. Well it's my way isn't it. They build you up and then they knock you down again don't they....
Smithy and I are delighted to announce that we will be taking part in Methody's concert of Carmina Burana at the Waterfront on 15 March.
If you have hitherto missed the sight of Smithy and I in school uniform on stage at the Waterfront trying and failing to blend in with schoolchildren in a vaguely disturbing fashion, then I'm afraid you are to be disappointed. This year as last year we will be wearing DJ's - much more seemly for gentlemen of our age. However such a blending attempt was done in the past, much to the amusement of some of the parents who were able to pick us out because of our podgy middle aged bellies....
I've been playing around a bit with a new picture editing thing I've downloaded and I produced this slightly enhanced picture of Lynder and Jenny at Ripon Cathedral England.
