VISIT GRACE DENT!!!
I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! - week 2 recapDay 7
It's Sunday in the jungle. Jason Donovan has spotted a yabby. The small, startled crayfish is taking its morning constitutional when Donovan captures it in a net and manhandles it back to camp to present to the celebs. The assorted stars of pantomime and infomercial are overjoyed. "We'll eat well tonight!" whoops Lauren Booth optimistically (one small yabby shared between 12 would barely smatter a small cracker for a light amuse-bouche).
I feel awful for the yabby. The mistake Jason made was telling me he found it on the path "wandering back after a swim". Now, in my mind, the yabby has a little personality and a Sunday routine. He likes a morning dip, a leisurely stroll through the jungle and then perhaps a lounge about with the Observer supplements and a pot of tea with one eye on the Hollyoaks omnibus.
What right has Malandra Burrows got to bash his head in and turn him into rudimentary lobster bisque? If anyone deserves to be sacrificed for protein's sake it should be her. Following an animal rights debate, the yabby is set free. The celebs agree to have four spoonfuls of soggy basmati rice instead, cooked in the putrid boiled water.
Jan Leeming is picked for another Bushtucker Trial involving snakes and immediately begins sobbing and ranting. All the celebs keep gushing that she must be up for every trial as she's so "sweet and entertaining". Jan isn't buying that one little bit. Jan knows people keep voting her in because as a nation we're psychologically askew and enjoy watching a little old lady being placed in a Perspex box with giant mutant spiders with long legs and big faces, which look like a sinister hybrid of the arachnid kingdom and Frank Sidebottom.
This episode throws up many questions for me. Why do I feel sorry for Jan even though she's a pernickety, uptight biddy? How long can Faith Brown uphold her eye-make-up standards? How does Myleene Klass look so aggravatingly great in a bikini? Has she never heard of a nice mid-afternoon pasty or a box of Quality Street green triangles? And how has David Gest with his dry, daft stories begun to be my favourite jungle celeb?
Day 8
Ant and Dec turn up and divide the camp into two halves. Boys v girls. The girls pack up their things to leave for Snake Rock. Toby Anstis sobs real tears knowing how much he'll miss Jan's great Bushtucker Trial anecdotes and her numerous renditions of Summertime.
Jan feels sad, too. "I'm not a woman's woman!" she says, sadly. Now in a way, this I can understand. Life in the boys' camp appears to be much simpler. Get up, sit about, talk about who has had a poo, listen to Gest's Vaginica Seamen stories, have an early night. Meanwhile, over in the girls' camp it's all: "Well, excuse me, I can cook, too! People travel for miles for my famous roasts!" and "Psst…do you think Lauren is comfortable in her skin? Are her legs retaining water or has she just let herself go?" and "I can't believe you said that! Well, it's not what you said, it's how I thought you sounded when you said it." Great fun.
It'd be good if they just switched the cameras off at Snake Rock and let us hear David Gest's amazing showbiz stories instead. I wish he would talk about Liza Minnelli. It's intriguing how two people could come to hate each other so much. Especially as he does such a good impression of someone really quite laid-back. Maybe Liza tried to make him eat sausages. That's the only thing that's really ruffled him so far: "I hate sausages! Hate them! I won't eat them! They make me sick and go right through me and make me constipated!" claims Gest, which sounds like a reality spin-off show in itself.
Boys v girls; Phina, Lauren, Matt and Scott wade through swamps to open a chest and win cheese and biscuits. As the girls forge ahead to win, Scott runs off and sits on the chest with his hands over the lock. Scott has now taken the game to a weird place. Everyone is hungry, angry and disorientated and suddenly Scott's flipped the flimsy rules about, claiming it to be lateral thinking not just brute force or plain awkwardness.
Phina goes berserk and begins grappling with Scott, determined not to be beaten physically by a man with a semi-permanent eyelash tint. Scott is bitten. Lauren tries to split them up. Matt is tearful. The girls win the biscuits but return to camp shaken and ashamed.
Scott Henshall, who started the trouble, is both incandescent and righteous. "I have been attacked!" he rants, pointing at a light chafe on his chest. "If this was the real world I would press charges!" Good for you, Scott. Next time I can't get the police to respond to a call out, I'll sleep easy knowing it's because they're tied up helping you report an altercation over Tuc biscuits.
Toby Anstis is the first to leave the jungle. He looks really sad all the way across the rope bridge, until he gets a glass of booze in his hand
Day 9
David Gest now claims to have lost over 28 pounds. He knows people who have lost just as much weight as this in the Outback. They all died. Some of them became so ravenous they even considered eating a Cumberland sausage before they perished.
At Snake Rock, Phina has finally had her fill of jungle beans and has begun to vomit around the camp like a Bigg Market hen-party harpie. Jan Leeming and Scott Henshall are chosen to do the Catch a Falling Star task, which involves chucking themselves out of a plane and catching ribbons on their way down. Leeming cries a lot. No-one really, truly cares.
Am I the only person who doesn't think it's a good idea to emotionally bribe a 64-year-old woman with a fear of flying into a complicated parachute jump, where her focus must be on catching ribbons on the way down instead of trying not to break her hip? OK, just me then.
The girls are worried that the boys are starving. Gest doesn't like to be dramatic, but he must have lost at least 71 pounds by now and his internal organs are ingesting themselves, which is exactly what his good friends Michael Jackson, Lord Lucan and the Dalai Lama warned him about when he was shooting pool with them in wibbly wobbly world.
Malandra Burrows lets Dean Gaffney win the celebrity chest task so the boys can win some supplies. Instead the boys end up with plastic sumo suits, which not even the most skilful chef could whip into a tasty snack. Let's face it, nobody ever says, "Well, excuse me, I can cook too! People travel for miles to eat my famous sumo suits." Not even Jan Leeming.
Day 10
Oh, Scott Henshall, there's no pleasing you. One minute you're starving, then someone presents you with a delicious plate of kangaroo anus and penis washed down with nice lumpy bug smoothie and suddenly you're not hungry again. And you, Leeming, why won't you eat the testicles? They're not that big. Two bites at the most. It's not like they're making you eat the hairy testicular sack too. They've given you a knife to scoop it out with. What's bloody wrong with you?
Aren't you desperate to please us, Henshall? Ricky Tomlinson has even given a short interview saying how disappointed he is with you. And Lee Ryan's (who used to be in Blue) tour manager is irked at you, too. (Who?) And one of the Dingle women from Emmerdale.
Yes, basically anyone who was in the ITV building who'd vaguely watched I'm a Celebrity and was willing to give a soundbite was totally disappointed with you, yet still you refuse to eat live crickets. Lisa Scott-Lee even managed to get her face in there. I bet she'd eat the kangaroo testicles. I bet she'd do a Totally Scott-Lee: Eating Kangaroo Testicles Special every day on MTV in December if she thought it would get her a top 20 placing.
Day 11
News just in: Toby Anstis has finally had a poo. Toby's being very vocal about it. Matt Willis is enjoying it vicariously as much as Toby did. In Snake Rock, Phina has finally snapped and yelled at Jan for whining. Jan loses her temper back and swears at Phina. Now Jan is even more upset at Phina for making her swear and Phina has become overcome with "The Tongues", which control her in testing times.
Phina is a very big Christian (apart from when she's biting fashion designers over a box of Ritz crackers and some Edam, which isn't mentioned in any of the biblical scriptures.) Jan Leeming shouldn't drink. One glass of wine and she was coming on to Toby Anstis. Half a beer and she's taking on Phina, and even Ricky "the Hitman" Hatton wouldn't take on Phina.
The camps are joined back together. Scott is still very irked about being beaten up by Phina. Phina apologises lots of times but Scott is a vision of uppitiness. She'll never get back in Scott's good books now and she can kiss goodbye to getting one of his backless, frontless size 0 corset frocks for next year's TV awards.
Toby Anstis is the first to leave the jungle. He looks really sad all the way across the rope bridge, until he gets a glass of booze in his hand, then he seems just fine. I'm more worried about Kerry Katona: she lives with a giant hyperactive aardvark and a crocodile and she's not tasted complex carbohydrates for a fortnight. No wonder she drinks.
Psychic TV
Next week I'll be watching more celebs eating kangaroo testicles and the baiting of a 64-year-old woman on I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! (daily, ITV1).
This article is stolen unabashedly from GRACE DENT's excellent blog who can be found HERE.
© 2006 Fredordead
Labels: Grace Dent
posted by Freddy @ Wednesday, November 29, 2006
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