Photo of the day... Submitted by Mr Hutton
Well what a controversy this picture of some students messing around in a museum has caused!!
So much so that I thought I would try and promote your thoughts on it. Read the comments below by clicking comments and look at the various personal attacks that have come out of it- attacks which seem to concentrate on - you guessed it - my association with a church.
Maybe I should just cut my ties altogether?? I'm clearly not welcome in this particular centre of Christianity...
I'm NOT changing this website address again and I am certainly not going to stop posting whatever the hell I like!
© 2006 Fredordead
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Squat Thrusting
Envious of all the excitement, MY FREDDY had decided to publish at his blog again.
It can now be found
HERE© 2006 Fredordead
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VISIT GRACE DENT!!!
I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! - week 2 recap
Day 7
It's Sunday in the jungle. Jason Donovan has spotted a yabby. The small, startled crayfish is taking its morning constitutional when Donovan captures it in a net and manhandles it back to camp to present to the celebs. The assorted stars of pantomime and infomercial are overjoyed. "We'll eat well tonight!" whoops Lauren Booth optimistically (one small yabby shared between 12 would barely smatter a small cracker for a light amuse-bouche).
I feel awful for the yabby. The mistake Jason made was telling me he found it on the path "wandering back after a swim". Now, in my mind, the yabby has a little personality and a Sunday routine. He likes a morning dip, a leisurely stroll through the jungle and then perhaps a lounge about with the Observer supplements and a pot of tea with one eye on the Hollyoaks omnibus.
What right has Malandra Burrows got to bash his head in and turn him into rudimentary lobster bisque? If anyone deserves to be sacrificed for protein's sake it should be her. Following an animal rights debate, the yabby is set free. The celebs agree to have four spoonfuls of soggy basmati rice instead, cooked in the putrid boiled water.
Jan Leeming is picked for another Bushtucker Trial involving snakes and immediately begins sobbing and ranting. All the celebs keep gushing that she must be up for every trial as she's so "sweet and entertaining". Jan isn't buying that one little bit. Jan knows people keep voting her in because as a nation we're psychologically askew and enjoy watching a little old lady being placed in a Perspex box with giant mutant spiders with long legs and big faces, which look like a sinister hybrid of the arachnid kingdom and Frank Sidebottom.
This episode throws up many questions for me. Why do I feel sorry for Jan even though she's a pernickety, uptight biddy? How long can Faith Brown uphold her eye-make-up standards? How does Myleene Klass look so aggravatingly great in a bikini? Has she never heard of a nice mid-afternoon pasty or a box of Quality Street green triangles? And how has David Gest with his dry, daft stories begun to be my favourite jungle celeb?
Day 8
Ant and Dec turn up and divide the camp into two halves. Boys v girls. The girls pack up their things to leave for Snake Rock. Toby Anstis sobs real tears knowing how much he'll miss Jan's great Bushtucker Trial anecdotes and her numerous renditions of Summertime.
Jan feels sad, too. "I'm not a woman's woman!" she says, sadly. Now in a way, this I can understand. Life in the boys' camp appears to be much simpler. Get up, sit about, talk about who has had a poo, listen to Gest's Vaginica Seamen stories, have an early night. Meanwhile, over in the girls' camp it's all: "Well, excuse me, I can cook, too! People travel for miles for my famous roasts!" and "Psst…do you think Lauren is comfortable in her skin? Are her legs retaining water or has she just let herself go?" and "I can't believe you said that! Well, it's not what you said, it's how I thought you sounded when you said it." Great fun.
It'd be good if they just switched the cameras off at Snake Rock and let us hear David Gest's amazing showbiz stories instead. I wish he would talk about Liza Minnelli. It's intriguing how two people could come to hate each other so much. Especially as he does such a good impression of someone really quite laid-back. Maybe Liza tried to make him eat sausages. That's the only thing that's really ruffled him so far: "I hate sausages! Hate them! I won't eat them! They make me sick and go right through me and make me constipated!" claims Gest, which sounds like a reality spin-off show in itself.
Boys v girls; Phina, Lauren, Matt and Scott wade through swamps to open a chest and win cheese and biscuits. As the girls forge ahead to win, Scott runs off and sits on the chest with his hands over the lock. Scott has now taken the game to a weird place. Everyone is hungry, angry and disorientated and suddenly Scott's flipped the flimsy rules about, claiming it to be lateral thinking not just brute force or plain awkwardness.
Phina goes berserk and begins grappling with Scott, determined not to be beaten physically by a man with a semi-permanent eyelash tint. Scott is bitten. Lauren tries to split them up. Matt is tearful. The girls win the biscuits but return to camp shaken and ashamed.
Scott Henshall, who started the trouble, is both incandescent and righteous. "I have been attacked!" he rants, pointing at a light chafe on his chest. "If this was the real world I would press charges!" Good for you, Scott. Next time I can't get the police to respond to a call out, I'll sleep easy knowing it's because they're tied up helping you report an altercation over Tuc biscuits.
Toby Anstis is the first to leave the jungle. He looks really sad all the way across the rope bridge, until he gets a glass of booze in his hand
Day 9
David Gest now claims to have lost over 28 pounds. He knows people who have lost just as much weight as this in the Outback. They all died. Some of them became so ravenous they even considered eating a Cumberland sausage before they perished.
At Snake Rock, Phina has finally had her fill of jungle beans and has begun to vomit around the camp like a Bigg Market hen-party harpie. Jan Leeming and Scott Henshall are chosen to do the Catch a Falling Star task, which involves chucking themselves out of a plane and catching ribbons on their way down. Leeming cries a lot. No-one really, truly cares.
Am I the only person who doesn't think it's a good idea to emotionally bribe a 64-year-old woman with a fear of flying into a complicated parachute jump, where her focus must be on catching ribbons on the way down instead of trying not to break her hip? OK, just me then.
The girls are worried that the boys are starving. Gest doesn't like to be dramatic, but he must have lost at least 71 pounds by now and his internal organs are ingesting themselves, which is exactly what his good friends Michael Jackson, Lord Lucan and the Dalai Lama warned him about when he was shooting pool with them in wibbly wobbly world.
Malandra Burrows lets Dean Gaffney win the celebrity chest task so the boys can win some supplies. Instead the boys end up with plastic sumo suits, which not even the most skilful chef could whip into a tasty snack. Let's face it, nobody ever says, "Well, excuse me, I can cook too! People travel for miles to eat my famous sumo suits." Not even Jan Leeming.
Day 10
Oh, Scott Henshall, there's no pleasing you. One minute you're starving, then someone presents you with a delicious plate of kangaroo anus and penis washed down with nice lumpy bug smoothie and suddenly you're not hungry again. And you, Leeming, why won't you eat the testicles? They're not that big. Two bites at the most. It's not like they're making you eat the hairy testicular sack too. They've given you a knife to scoop it out with. What's bloody wrong with you?
Aren't you desperate to please us, Henshall? Ricky Tomlinson has even given a short interview saying how disappointed he is with you. And Lee Ryan's (who used to be in Blue) tour manager is irked at you, too. (Who?) And one of the Dingle women from Emmerdale.
Yes, basically anyone who was in the ITV building who'd vaguely watched I'm a Celebrity and was willing to give a soundbite was totally disappointed with you, yet still you refuse to eat live crickets. Lisa Scott-Lee even managed to get her face in there. I bet she'd eat the kangaroo testicles. I bet she'd do a Totally Scott-Lee: Eating Kangaroo Testicles Special every day on MTV in December if she thought it would get her a top 20 placing.
Day 11
News just in: Toby Anstis has finally had a poo. Toby's being very vocal about it. Matt Willis is enjoying it vicariously as much as Toby did. In Snake Rock, Phina has finally snapped and yelled at Jan for whining. Jan loses her temper back and swears at Phina. Now Jan is even more upset at Phina for making her swear and Phina has become overcome with "The Tongues", which control her in testing times.
Phina is a very big Christian (apart from when she's biting fashion designers over a box of Ritz crackers and some Edam, which isn't mentioned in any of the biblical scriptures.) Jan Leeming shouldn't drink. One glass of wine and she was coming on to Toby Anstis. Half a beer and she's taking on Phina, and even Ricky "the Hitman" Hatton wouldn't take on Phina.
The camps are joined back together. Scott is still very irked about being beaten up by Phina. Phina apologises lots of times but Scott is a vision of uppitiness. She'll never get back in Scott's good books now and she can kiss goodbye to getting one of his backless, frontless size 0 corset frocks for next year's TV awards.
Toby Anstis is the first to leave the jungle. He looks really sad all the way across the rope bridge, until he gets a glass of booze in his hand, then he seems just fine. I'm more worried about Kerry Katona: she lives with a giant hyperactive aardvark and a crocodile and she's not tasted complex carbohydrates for a fortnight. No wonder she drinks.
Psychic TV
Next week I'll be watching more celebs eating kangaroo testicles and the baiting of a 64-year-old woman on I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! (daily, ITV1).
This article is stolen unabashedly from GRACE DENT's excellent blog who can be found
HERE.© 2006 Fredordead
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Happy Feet Still Better Than 007 Weekend Box Office
Did you know that if you ask 100 people want they want to see in a film, around 87 of them will answer "tap-dancing penguins, and the voice of Frodo out of Lord Of The Rings"
And, what do you know, that's exactly what Happy Feet offers. Happy Feet is enjoying its second week at the top of the US weekend box office, beating Casino Royale.
Happy Feet is the number one movie at the US weekend box office this week, Here's the US weekend box office top five…
1 - Happy Feet
2 - Casino Royale (After seeing Casino Royale, the question the world is asking is no longer "Will Daniel Craig be a worthy James Bond?" but "When is the next one out??"
3 - Deja Vu (A LOAD OF KAK APPARANTLY)
4 - Deck The Halls (A film where one man tries to put so many Christmas lights on his house that it can be seen from space and another man accidentally has a sexual fantasy about his young daughter.)
5 - Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan (People, you've been fooled. Sacha Baron Cohen says that Borat isn't a funny film about a fat man rubbing his crack in another man's face, but a film that "shows the absurdity of holding any form of racial prejudice." Boo! We want our money back!)
© 2006 Fredordead
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Ray from the X Factor
Exclusive pictures of Ray before he was famous for wiggling his arse in tight jeans on Saturday nights....
© 2006 Fredordead
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DOGS AND LOGS
As you know some time ago we devoted a lot of time to DOGS.
There was a whole week when DOGS seemed to pore out of every article here on Fredordead.
There was
THIS one then there was
THIS one and finally there was
THIS one !!!
Well today I'm afraid CATS seem to be the latest direction for this blog. We have briefly touched upon CATS before
HERE and
HERE but finally I think we have to admit that CATS have been a rare feature. However I have a strong feeling that this all that is about to change.
DAMO who sits beside me in work has given birth to four kittens and will have four more very shortly. If anyone has a good home for these adorable little pussies, please let
DAMO know by e-mailing me
HERE and I will pass on your details.
AWWWW!! Look at them though!!!
© 2006 Fredordead
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I love work.
Yesterday my bosses all sneaked round and presented me with a bottle of champagne at my desk for getting to the semi final of a work related project competition.
I got a lovely bottle of Bolly which Fred and I drank last night...
Well we were going to save it for Christmas Day... but then we decided "no to blazes with it all" and we proceeded to scoff it in one settee sitting watching the box.
It was heavenly... I love my work!!!
© 2006 Fredordead
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Lt Michael Fodor
Some of you will remember Fredordead took part in a memorial for the 9/11 terrorist attacks in New York and we in particular focused on
Lt Michael Fodor.I had a lovely comment from Ashley, Michael's daughter. I thought you would maybe like to revisit
Lt Fodor's article and read Ashley's comment which reads as follows:
My name is Ashley, and I am Lt. Fodor's daughter. I miss him everyday, and
take comfort in his strength and our memories together...I am stronger each day
I carry him in my heart. I know he is at peace, and honored to be remembered by
you all.
Ashley I hope you found what was said about your father in the article to be accurate and appropriate, if there is anything you would like me to add I would of course be honoured to do so.
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Heather Mills Apparently Not A Gold-Digger, Says Heather Mills
I haven't said too much about what I think about Heather Mills yet. So far I have had my own thoughts but I know that you should try never to take sides in these things. Divorce is a transaction in my view and should be carried out with a minimum of fuss.
According to the media, Heather Mills is either a helpless disabled abused wife with an evil, controlling, drug-addled millionaire husband or a bit of an annoying gold-digger. Take your pick. Believe what you want and get on with your life - who really cares what you think?
Well apparantly Heather Mills does.
Most of the public, you see, appears to have sided against Heather Mills ever since she and Paul McCartney split up, and Heather Mills isn't essentially all that happy about that.
That's why Heather Mills has granted an interview so that she can put the world right on what a nice person she is and how people love her so much that she's often hugged by strangers on the street. Seriously. Small dogs lick her ankle on a regular basis...
Here's a selection of Heather Mills quotes you can look forward to seeing during the interview:
"I'm a good mother, I'm a good person. I fell in love for the right reason. I fell in love unconditionally.""I haven't got a lover. At the moment, I'm focusing on my daughter. It's totally made up!"
"I didn't know that many people cared. You get to know who your friends are and I haven't lost any friends.""Eighty-five percent of my income goes to my charity. The word gold digger doesn't go with that. If I was a gold digger, I would have a lot of money in my bank account… I'd be worth millions and millions."So with these rather lame quotes, it looks as if the interview won't go too far in repairing Heather Mills' damaged reputation, either.
Surely it's just a matter of time before Heather Mills resorts to her fail-safe method of winning people round - covering her boobs in whipped cream, holding a whip and licking a man's red jelly penis in another embarrassing German sex book.
That'd probably do it. Let it Be Heather, Let it Be. I'm speaking words of wisdom..... Let it Be...
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Sprout snooker
In answer to Freddy's question "where do you find sprout snooker?" - you find it in your very own kitchen; we had to make our own fun, son, when we were a lad, we didna have 't internet...
In order to play sprout snooker you will need the following:
15 tomatoes (red balls)
1 lemon (yellow)
1 sprout (green)
1 meatball (brown)
1 blueberry muffin (blue)
1 spoonful of salmon mousse (pink)
1 black olive (black)
1 meringue (white)
1 breadstick for each player (cues)
1 dining table with a lip around the edge [as a pool table-but no green felt, maybe something more cleanable] to keep in spilt liquids,and pockets with plastic bags instead of nets to collect spillages.
Once you have potted each "ball", you can eat it! Good luck with potting a spoonful of salmon mousse!
© 2006 Smithy
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Mocking me....
Some of you have been laughing at me recently.
You know who you are.
Yes laughing - openly laughing - at me.
The reason for this is my new favourite band. You all think that me liking this band is pathetic. Well maybe it is. But I still love them.
Please listen to the song below with an OPEN mind and tell me that this band is not the GREATEST band around today. I'll tell you who it is another day...
What was number one in the "Hit Parade" on the day that you were born???
What HIP TUNE was playing on the WIRELESS the day you stuck your head through the legs of your earthly mother???
When you first gasped your first hungry breath and started depriving the rest of us of much needed oxygen, what commercial record was "Top of the Pops"???
What would have been playing on your dad's IPOD on that day (if IPOD's had been invented)
FIND OUT HERE!!!Then leave a comment saying what is was!!
© 2006 Fredordead
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A lovely letter from a new listener!!
Hi Fred,
I am an avid fan of your website and have been for the past 15 mins. It enlightens me everytime I read it - really no joke!
I especially like the way you use colour and slight humour throughout your pieces.
A suggestion for a website for your followers to view is
http://www.ratemypoo.comWARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE OF A FAINT DISPOSITION AND/OR CONSTIPATED !!
Wee joke - ok it's old but it's great!!
3 nuns die in a car crash.
St. Peter meets them at the gates saying 'girls, really sorry you have joined us so early, but we are a bit full at the minute. I need to ask you a question each - if you get it right, you can walk through the pearly gates'
Fair enough chant the nuns in unison.
Peter asks the first nun, 'Who was the 1st woman on earth?'
'Why that would be Eve' she says triumphantly.
'You are right - The Kingdom is yours'. Turning to the 2nd nun, Peter asks ' your question is where did Eve live?'
The nun answers 'That's easy, The Garden of Eden'
'Absolutely, in you go' says St. Peter
Turning to the Mother Superior, St. Peter says, 'due to your rank and superiority I will have to ask you a more difficult question. What was the 1st thing Eve said to Adam?'
'Oh that's a hard one' replies Mother Superior.
'CORRECT IN YOU GO!'
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
Thank you for teaching me to look beyond the light of the train coming towards me..............................
Yours,
T
© 2006 Fredordead
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The lineup on tomorrow's X Factor... according to Holymoly
Ray: La Vida Loca (with dancers)
Robert: You Are Not Alone (with choir)
Leona: Bridge Over Troubled Water (with choir)
Ben: With a Little Help From My Friends (with piano)
McCuntyChopBros: Love is All Around (With the whole world apart from Scotland wishing them syphilis)
Eton Rd: I Don't Feel Like Dancing (with Louis looking on hiding an erection.)
© 2006 Fredordead
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Something Christmassy to amuse you all!!!
Click the SPROUT above for a quick game of SPROUTFEST!!! Don't let your boss catch you!!
© 2006 Fredordead
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Christmas Oddity
I know this is a bit early, but you know me I just love Christmas
Turn up your volume and click
HERE and listen:
© 2006 Mr Hutton
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Katrina's joke for today
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go!"
© 2006 Fredordead
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Miss Beatrice, submitted by Mrs Jenny
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and it's strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes,"
she replied,
"Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
© 2006 Fredordead
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Sometimes you can have a rough day don't you think? A day where nothing seems to go right?? A day where the bottom seems to fall out of your world??
If you think your day is bad so far, check out what happened to this poor girl the day the world
FELL OUT OF HER BOTTOM....© 2006 Fredordead
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There is a brand new exciting product available - a merger between MS explorer and the extremely popular Firefox. You should really think about downloading it -
have a look here...© 2006 Fredordead
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Answer Jonny's Bond Quiz
If you can answer the questions on this quiz above, then e-mail the answers to
THIS E-MAIL ADDRESS. The prize is a years supply of alchohol!! Oh My GOD!!!
This is a promotional quiz being run to commemorate the Bond film "
Casino Royale" out this week.
This is a genuine quiz with a genuine prize - no catch. Your e-mail address is not being saved or anything I promise you!! Just
E-MAIL the quiz !!
© 2006 Fredordead
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The Indian Restaurant version of Bohemian Rhapsody
(To be sung INWARDLY to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen)
Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras .
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This dopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
[ guitar solo]
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
( There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
( No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!
[guitar solo]
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
[guitar solo]
[slow bit]
Korma or dopiaza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
(Any way the wind blows....shshshsh)
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Interview with Philip Lawson, King's Singers
I thought some of you might be interested in an interview with baritone Philip Lawson, who has been a member of the King's Singers since 1993 - I found this interview on the internet and have shamelessly reproduced it.
For almost four decades, the King's Singers have wowed audiences worldwide with a distinctive sound, sophisticated musicianship and intriguing repertoire. Put together in 1965 by members of the choir of King's College of Cambridge University, the sextet sings everything from Renaissance motets to daunting new contemporary music to popular songs in the American tradition of close harmony.
Q: What made the King's Singers such an enduring institution?A: The main thing is the sound. It's the thing people notice when they first hear the group. It doesn't sound like six soloists battling for supremacy.
Q: When did you start singing?A: I started at the age of 9 at the local parish church in Worth in Sussex in southern England. I became a boy chorister in the choir.
I was unlike most of the members of the King's Singers. I was not a cathedral chorister, which means living at the (cathedral choir) school and singing every day. I just sang on Sunday.
Then at age 18, I did go to York Minster (the cathedral in York) to be a choral scholar.
Q: How did you continue your singing career?
A: I moved to London and did free-lance singing and had (voice) lessons.
In 1982, I moved to Salisbury as a baritone lay clerk in the Salisbury Cathedral. That meant (singing) daily services, which I had always wanted to do — three service on Sundays and midweek services as well.
When I got to Salisbury, one of the boy choristers was the son of Simon Carrington, one of the founders of the King's Singers. He used to come in and listen to us, and occasionally deputize for me. When he decided to retire, he suggested that I try out. That was in 1993.
Q: Is the path followed by most of the King's Singers members the typical manner for training English male singers?A: The tradition of cathedral-trained singers (starting as young boys) is the dominant manner for male singers.
In your country, singing is very well established in high schools and colleges. In England, it's not.
Q: Have any singers not raised in the cathedral tradition been members of the King's Singers?A: I think I might be the only one.
The original members were all cathedral choristers. Once you get the bug of English church music, it's in you forever.
Q: Would a singer from other traditions be able to join?A: We have auditioned people from other countries — recently a Canadian and a German — but there's something in the way the vowel sounds are produced. The German couldn't make the vowel sounds (we needed) at all.
© 2006 Fredordead
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Mr Hutton's Joke of the day
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends £5000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the man behind the counter,
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32,"
came the reply.
"I'm exactly 47,"
the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the staff lady the very same question. She replies,
"I guess about 29."
"Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a greengrocer on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some bananas and asks the man this burning question. The clerk responds,
"Oh, I'd say about 30."
Again she proudly responds,
"I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies,
"Madam, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out,
"What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra, closes his eyes and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay,...how old am I?"
"Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says,
"That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man replies,
"Promise you won't get annoyed?"
"Yes, I promise,"
"I was behind you in the queue at McDonald's."
© 2006 Fredordead
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Other Fred
I have pleasure in directing you to
the other Fred's blog. In my view it's better than mine.
© 2006 Fredordead
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Ah, bless!
Gordon Ramsey is such a bad driver that a Bentley mechanic told us that they won't let him drive into the official Bentley garage, just in case.
Meanwhile our Gordon has been giving some thought to his legions of gay fans: "I know why they like me – I look good in or out of my top and I have a huge widger, so what is not to admire?"
By the way, for those who were wondering, TV kok
means "TV cook" in Dutch, the language which also brought you slagroom
(whipped cream)! © 2006
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Gordon's Slot
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Today is our GORDON'S 40th birthday. Gordon Ramsay is reputed to now be worth £86m
Think about that. He's 40 and worth £86m.
He's opening a new restaurant in New York at the moment and already has about 11 others internationally.
AT 40!!!
Our salaries are irrelevant next to this. If I calculate what I am worth (and if I am cheeky and put in my house which is a lie anyway as it belongs to our bank officially until I am about 55) I reckon I am worth about 0.0008 % of what he is!!
Why don't you calculate what you are worth as a fraction of what Gordon Ramsay is worth and THEN work out if your life is meaningful....
The
Samaritans telephone number is 08457 90 90 90
© 2006 Fredordead
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Our halloween party last week
Dayvid and Pamela had us all up to their house last week in Raloo (did I spell that right?) for Halloween. It was a fancy dress party as is now our custom. Regular viewers of Fredordead may recall that last year this event was cancelled due to the birth of Pam and Dayvid's first child Erynn.
So anyhoo here are the pictures of last week's party....
Fred turns up as BATMAN!! (If one of you nasty people leaves a comment with any puns about FATMAN you will be barred...)
Colin the Clown and Pam the White Drunk Lady
Colin scares the bejezus out of everyone with his "up the nose" torch routine. Not quite as scary with modern flash photography Colin...
As the night progresses, Freddy turns into BATGIRL after a few drinks...
That's more like it Colin!! Steven King would be proud!
Clair in her witches outfit complete with prothsetic nose (not that anyone could tell the difference)
Don't make Dayvid angry - otherwise he'll puff up all red and angry looking and serve you a drink...
That's all very well Colin but are you going to show us your arse this year???
Fiona looking a little bit like Cher on her 2006 Turn Back Time Tour
Pished as a shite and we haven't even had our starters yet!
Clair strikes her chin minimising pose for the camera, little realising that it's not going to work with THAT nose!!
© 2006 Fredordead
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Our arty choir shot
Philip sent me this picture of ecclesium taken during our last recording of his second CD for you all to see!
I think I look lovely and tall... I'm the same height as Alan C which is true in real life as well. Philip is much shorter than me and he's 4 foot closer to the camera!!
© 2006 Fredordead
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Wexford Baby!
Didn't we have a luvverly time the day we went to Wexford!
The Ulster Orchestra have just had a little jolly down to Wexford, did a concert in the festival here. Although Wexford is only 200 miles away, we had to take a day travelling there, then do the concert on the second day and then travel back on the third!
It all started very well, when we cracked open a bottle of Veuve Clicot that Jonny Roberts gave me for my birthday - Thanks Jonny!
Went to a very posh restaurant called Forde's on the first night, and I had lobster! Yum!
Soyez le bienvenu à Wexford!
© 2006 Smithy
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"History. It's just one bloody thing after another."
Regular readers of this blog will know that last year I was involved in selecting music for a play that took place here in Belfast that was performed in Stranmillis by a local drama group called "
The Lady in the Van" by Alan Bennett. It was a premiere for the amateur circuit and the group had special permission to perform it by Alan Bennett himself. Most of the music was already stated in the script so it was just a matter for me of sourcing recordings of them - mainly Schubert and Mozart. The rest of the music I selected from old collections I have already and I used a few choral pieces which had been written by Philip, a friend of mine. The music went down very well and the cast in particular loved it.
I love Alan Bennett and last night I went with Smithy to see "
The History Boys" in the Grand Opera House (written by Alan Bennett) - this play has been recently made into a film also which
is on general release at the cinema currently.
Our Grand Opera House has been recently refurbished. I'm not sure what I want to say about this. The refurbed interval bars are built on 3 levels with open courtyard area in the middle. The new wing is certainly very spacious and the place seems so much roomier - but I'm afraid it seems slightly lacking in atmosphere... it feels like you are going out to a shopping mall food court during the interval. I would have thought it would have been more sympathetic to the old dame of a theatre to make the extension dark and theatrical as well as spacious? Worryingly, there lots of open raised levels with shelves to put your drink on overlooking the floor quite a distance below where more people mill about - it will only a matter of time before someone gets bottled from above by someone accidentally dropping their bacardi breezer over the edge..
The actual play was good first half, and stunning second, as is quite often the way. The first half set up the characters - I'll not reconstruct the story here but you can read the plot
HERE if you are interested.
Suffice it to say I enjoyed the play very much - a lot more than Smithy did who doesn't feel comfortable with touchy feely dramatic sessions, but both of us came away feeling that Bennett whilst a brilliant playwright certainly, succeeds mainly in making us all feel very very stupid. Call me a victim of
Dumbed-Down-Britain if you feel like it, but I think Bennett's albeit vastly intelligent writing excludes some of his audience. I missed a lot of the concepts especially the references to turning points in history referred to because they were just too clever too quickly. Reading the play is a must and I will do that as I think it is truly worth doing just that. That way I will have time to absorb the ideas - but just to warn you - it's a wordy one this. Don't go expecting Thora Hird and her cream cracker under the settee ...
The slick stage work of the production team (seemed like the stage was always being set by the actors themselves) was a treat to watch. Each set change was precisioned to the second with vintage 70's and 80's songs played over rolling black and white VT as flats rolled across stages and furniture was glided into place by the actors themselves. What looked like chaos during the blackouts would suddenly be floodlight with a bang and everyone was in place and the action rolled on. Lighting cues and sound cues were just the best I have seen and for me this was extremely exciting to watch. Of course the actors were also very slick indeed - our performance was subtitled for the deaf so the actors were under pressure to deliver the script in it's exact form - no paraphrasing - which they did exactly.
My biggest complaint however is about our audience. During some of the more delicate subject matter in the play, our Belfast audience clearly could not cope. During a scene where a teacher is being fired for some rather
"hands on" teaching with one of the boys, our audience laughed nervously throughout.
My theory on this odd behaviour is that Belfast only goes to the theatre once in a blue moon and when it does it goes there for a "good laugh" and to be "entertained" and most of all to be seen by other people who want to be seen - so any serious subject matter will confuse it and make it feel uncomfortable resulting in laughing away the awkwardness.
I'm sure it was most bizarre for these touring actors to hear hysterical laughter at lines alluding to a teacher being sacked for repeatedly groping an underage boy... but that's Northern Ireland for you...
Labels: Northern Ireland, rant, smithy, Theatre
It all returns from pearshaped plaza...
Great news !!
My computer is now back online and I got all my files back!! Hooray
Big thanks to
Richard - not the usual Richard but Richard of "Richard and Fi" who told me what to install to sort out my problem - a thing called Norton Partition Magic which was totally brilliant and solved it all for me.
I went to Dixons today and purchased an additional 160 GB drive to add to my existing one so my computer is not only healed but TURBO CHARGED!!!
Very Very HAPPY BOY TODAY!!
© 2006 Fredordead
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